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Birthday colors …
Look up your birth date, get the color, and scroll to the bottom to see what that color means.
If your birthday is on……
- December 23rd~ January 1st = Red
- January 2nd ~ January 11th = Orange
- January 12th ~ January 24th = Yellow
- January 25th ~ February 3rd = Pink
- February 4th ~ February 8th = Blue
- February 9th ~ February 18th = Green
- February 19th ~ February 28th = Brown
- February 1st ~ March 10th = Aqua
- March 11th ~ March 20th = Lime
- March 21st = Black
- March 22nd ~ March 31st = Purple
- April 1st ~ April 10th = Navy
- April 11th ~ April 20th = Silver
- April 21st ~ April 30th = White
- May 2st ~ May 14th = Blue
- May 15th ~ May 24th = Gold
- May 25th ~ June 3rd = Cream
- June 4th ~ June 13th = Grey
- June 14th ~ June 23rd = Maroon
- June 24th = Grey
- June 25th ~ July 4th = Red
- July 5th ~ July 14th = Orange
- July 15th ~ July 25th = Yellow
- July 26th ~ August 4th = Pink
- August 5th ~ August 13th = Blue
- August 14th ~ August 23rd = Green
- August 24th ~ September 2nd = Brown
- September 3rd ~ Septemeber 12th = Aqua
- September 13th ~ September 22nd = Lime
- September 23rd = Olive
- September 24th ~October 3rd = Purple
- October 4th ~ October 13th = Navy
- October 14th ~ October 23rd = Silver
- October 24th ~November 11th = White
- November 12th ~ November 21st = Gold
- November22nd ~ December 1st = Cream
- December 2nd ~ December 11th = Grey
- December 12th~ December 21st = Maroon
- Decmeber 22nd = Teal
*RED*
- Cute and lovable type, You are picky but always in love…and like to be loved.
- Fresh and cheerful, but can be “moody” at times.
- Capable with people, nice, soft, and people can love you for the way you are.
- Likes people that are easy to talk to, and can make you feel comfortable.
*CREAM*
- Competitive and sporty. Don’t like losing and always cheerful!
- You are trustworthy, and very out-going.
- You choose love carefully, and don’t fall in love easily.
- But once you find the right one, you don’t let go for a long,long time.
*TEAL*
- You are mostly interested in your looks.
- You have high standards in picking love.
- You think and make a solution precisely, and hardly make stupid mistakes.
- You like to lead, and is easy for you to make new friends.
*GREY*
- You are attractive, and active.
- You never hide your feelings, and express everything that’s inside. But can be selfish at times.
- You want to be noticed, and don’t like to be treated unequally.
- You can brighten up people’s day. You know what to say at the right time, and you have a good sense of humour.
*GREEN*
- You get along well with new people.
- You are not really a shy person, but sometimes you can hurt people’s feelings by your words…
- You like to be loved and noticed by your lover, but mostly you are single, waiting for the right person.
*GOLD*
- You know what’s right and what’s wrong.
- You are cheerful and out-going.
- It’s hard for you to find the one you want, but once you find the right person, you won’t be able to fall in love again for a long time.
*PINK*
- You are always trying your best in everything, and like to help and care for other people. But you are not easily satisfied. You have negative thoughts, and you look for romantic love like in a fairytale.
*YELLOW*
- You are sweet and innocent. Trusted by many people, and have a strong leadership towards relationships.
- You make good decision and make the right choice at the right time.
- You are always dreaming of a romantic relationship.
*MAROON*
You are intelligent, and know what’s right.
- You like to make things go your way, which can sometimes cause trouble for not thinking about other people’s feelings. But you are patient when it comes to love…
- Once you get a hold of the right person, it’s hard for you to find a better love.
*ORANGE*
- You are responsible for your own actions, and you know how to treat people.
- You always have goals to reach, and are competitive.
- When it comes to friendship, you find it hard once you find the right friend, you trust them for ever.
*PURPLE*
- You are mysterious, never selfish and get interested in things easily.
- Your day can be sad or happy depending on your mood.
- You are popular between friends but you can act stupid at times, and forget things easily.
- You go for person that’s trustworthy.
*LIME*
- You are calm, but easily stressed out.
- You get jealous easily, and complain over little things.
- You can’t get stuck into one thing, but you have a capable personality for everyone to trust you and like you.
*SILVER*
- You are imaginative and shy, but you like trying new things.
- You like to challenge yourself.
- You learn things easily, and like “Hard to get”.
- Your love life is normally hard and confusing.
*BLACK*
- You are challenging, and have the “guts”. But you don’t like changes in your life.
- Once you make a decision, you keep it that way for a long time.
- Your love life is also challenging, and different.
*OLIVE*
- You are warm and light hearted.
- You seem to flow well with friends and family.
- You don’t like violence and know what’s right.
- You are kind and cheerful, but don’t envy other people easily.
*BROWN*
- You are active and sporty.
- It’s hard for other people to become close with you, but you fall in love easily.
- Once you find out you can’t get something, you give up and let go easily as well.
*BLUE*
- You have low self-esteem, and very picky.
- You are artistic and like to fall in love, but you let your love pass by, loving with your mind, not your heart.
*NAVY*
- You are attractive, and love your life.
- You have a strong feeling towards everything. And you are very easily distracted.
- Once you get angry at someone, it’s hard for you to forgive them.
*WHITE*
- You dream and have goals in your life.
- You get jealous easily and you don’t react to things easily.
- You are different and sometimes thought highly by others.
*AQUA*
- Your feelings change suddenly and easily.
- You are always lonely, and like travelling.
- You are truthful, but listen and believe other people too easily.
- It’s hard to find love for you, and you get lost in love easily,
- Sometimes you get hurt by love.
Sumbitted by: Pee Lau (AKA: Confused Confucious)
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Things you can only say at Thanksgiving!
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It’s Cool Whip time!
4. If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!
5. Whew, that was one terrific spread!
6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10. Don’t play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
>15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!
18. That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it’s ready?
The True 12 Days of Xmas
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
======================================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
=======================================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=======================================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
========================================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
======================================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
======================================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What’s with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of dang joke is this? There’s bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
=======================================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their darn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me.
Agnes
=======================================================
December 22, 1972
Hey Butthead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You’ll get yours !
Agnes
========================================================
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those girls ladies. They’ve been flirting with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of manure. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned.
I’m calling the police on you !
Agnes
=======================================================
December 24, 1972
Listen Butthole:
What’s with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They’ve been trampled to death. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
======================================================
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
Memo from Santa:
From Santa…………..
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace and Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer, one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen…” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”
5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I her’d dat!”
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off”. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hog Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state police cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox”; Cledus T. Judd’s “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack”, and Johnny Paycheck’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, Shove It.”
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
Getting Older
Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You’re it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose. s
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10.Musical recliners.
Chapter 2: Signs of Menopause
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using
you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not
amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives
you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a
field trip to Chippendales.
Chapter 3: signs of wear
“OLD” IS WHEN….. Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and
you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
“OLD” IS WHEN….. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you’re barefoot.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
face.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don’t have to go along.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of
by the police.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any
fiber today.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking
lot.
But after all of that “You are as old as your “State of Mind.”
You don’t grow “Old” you just “GET BETTER.” (State of Mind). (smile!!!!!)
Roger & Gary’s Gay Shower
Roger and Gary two gay guys are having a nice Valentine’s Day romantic candle light dinner in their new apartment.
After a few drinks, they decide it would be fun to go take a shower and finish the celebration with a bang…
They jump in the shower and start making out madly, turning each other around, spanking each other, all is about to culminate when suddenly the phone rings!
“I’ll get it” says Roger, leaving the shower all pissed off… “but you have to promise you won’t touch yourself until I get back”
He comes back 30 seconds later, rips the shower curtain open only to find cum all over the shower walls. I told you not to finish yourself off!!!” he yells at Gary…
Gary replies: ‘I didn’t, I didn’t, I promise!’ ‘I just farted…
Rocky Mountain Oysters
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a
day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only
did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What
is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, ” Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the hell, I’m on
vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this
delicacy!”
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then
that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the
day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter,
he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are
much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si senor. Sometimes
the bull wins.”
Yodeling
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Switzerland? Italy? France? Most believe it originated in Switzerland, but here’s the real version.
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer’s daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, “Who is that man going into the barn?”
“That’s some fellow traveling through,” said the farmer. “He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn.”
The daughter said, “Perhaps he is hungry.” So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing was disheveled and there was straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer’s wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair was all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. “How could he leave without even saying good-bye” she cried. “We made such passionate love last night!”
“What?” shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, “I’m going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!”
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out:
“LAIDTHEOLADEETOO”
Do you know what “family” is?
Do you really understand what’s behind the word family? It gives me a shock after when I found out the answer. So long I never realize I don’t know the real meaning of family………. Here is the answer…….
FAMILY = (F)ather (A)nd (M)other, (I) (L)ove (Y)ou
WHY does a man want to have a WIFE?
Because: W— Washing I— Ironing F— Food E— Entertainment
WHY does a woman want to have a HUSBAND?
Because: H—Housing U—Understanding S—Sharing B—Buying A—and N—Never D—Demanding
Do you also know that a simple “hello” can be a sweet one, too? Especially for your loved ones. (I mean not only from the boyfriend/girlfriend).
The word HELLO means : H=How are you? E=Everything all right? L=Like to hear from you L=Love to see you soon! O=Obviously, I miss you …..
Water vs. Coke
We all know that water is important but I’ve never seen it written down like this before.
75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
Even MILD dehydration will slow down one’s metabolism as much as 3%.
One glass of water shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?
=================================================
COKE
No wonder coke tastes soooo good:
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and …….Let the “real thing” sit for one hour, then flush clean The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, Remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
FYI:
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its Ph is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!
Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or a coke?
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