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MANLY MAN Quiz
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don’t miss Sportscenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife needs ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 Extra
6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem, she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Primer is to paint
c) A line is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) ‘I hope we can still be friends,’
b) ‘I’m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep,’
c) ‘Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU.’
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered ‘a’ more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered ‘b’ more than seven times, check into therapy, you’re still a little confused.
If you answered ‘c’ more than 7 times, ‘YOU DA MAN!’
From: Albert Roman
(0 Comments)
Man Bashing
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
__________________
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
_________________
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.
__________________
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won’t stop to ask directions.
__________________
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
__________________
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
__________________
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
__________________
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
__________________
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know; it has never happened.
_________________
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
__________________
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
__________________
When do you care for a man’s company?
When he owns it.
__________________
What are a woman’s four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
__________________
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
__________________
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
_________________
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes
___________________
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
___________________
What did God say after creating Eve?
“Practice makes perfect.”
__________________
How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
___________________
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.
__________________
Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says: “So you would love her.”
“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “So she would love you.”
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
————————
Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Install Tears 6.2 and enter the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You
might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
Good luck.
Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew
1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up, put it down.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Sunday = Sports.
18. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap-opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done -> not both.
23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says “I love you” like sex.
You know you grew up female in the late 80’s and early 90’s IF:
posted by The_Web_Joker @ 8:00 AM
Friday, September 3, 2010
You know you grew up female in the late 80’s and early 90’s IF:
1. You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word “PSYCHE”.
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the “Fresh Prince of Bel Air”
4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
5. You know who Kristi Thomas, Claudia Kishi, Mary Anne Spier, and Stacey McGill are.
6. You owned those Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that “WOAH” comes from Joey on Blossom.
8. Two words: M.C. Hammer
9. If you ever watched “Fraggle Rock”.
10. You had plastic streamers on your handlebars.
11. You can sing the entire theme song to “Duck Tales”.
12. You watched Punky Brewster on Saturday mornings.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. And one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
15. You saw the original “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” on the big screen.
16. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
17. You played the game “MASH” (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You would watch 90210 and flip channels when your parents came in the room..
19. L.A. Gear…need I say more
20. You wanted to change your name to “JEM” in Kindergarten.
21. You remember reading “Tales of a fourth grade nothing” and all the Ramona books.
22. Judy Blume is still secretly your favorite author.
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off…
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You know the secret powers of Gummi berry juice.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say “NOT” after some sentences.
30. You remember and owned a Hypercolor t-shirt.
31. You have ridden on a scooter. And thought you were cool.
32. You thought Sheera and He-Man should hook up.
33. You can still sing the themes to Facts of Life, Silver Spoons, Family Ties, and Growing Pains.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jellies.
35! . After you saw Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure you kept saying “I know you are, but what am I?”
36. You could pick the lady from the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercial out of a line up.
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were in-line skates.
38. You’ve gotten seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
41. You’ve gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
42. You can vividly remember that Popples love to party.
43. You’ve said the phrase “Don’t worry, be happy” to someone
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down.
46. “Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK!”
47. You remember that they were once called boom boxes
48. You know what it meant to say “Care Bear Stare!!”
49. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales”
50. You thought Doogie Howser was hot.
51. You remember Alf and that creepy robot girl, Vickie.
52. Your favorite band was New Kids on the Block.
53. You have entire scripts from “Saved By the Bell” memorized.
54. You sang along with Paula Abdul to your WALKMAN.
55.Your brother had a mullet.
56. Or a rat tail.
57. You still could “Peg” your pants in a high water emergency.
58. You know that one should never, ever “put baby in a corner”
59. Reading this has made you a little teary.
Great Quotes by Great Ladies!
Inside every older person is a younger person — wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-
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Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-
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Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-
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Old age ain’t no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-
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A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t.
-Rhonda Hansome-
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The phrase “working mother” is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-
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Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
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Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-
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Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-
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I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
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If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-
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When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-
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I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I’m also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
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If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
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I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
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When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-
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Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
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In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man – if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
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I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
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I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
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Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
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Give me a compliment…
A woman standing in front of the mirror naked says to her husband:
“I’m fat, pale and ugly; Give me a compliment to cheer me up.”
The husband says, “At least there’s nothing wrong with your eye sight.”
Don’t Mess With Women
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in
front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder.
This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung his head out his
window and flipped the woman off.
“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and
wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic
and here’s why:
I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that’s 76 miles. Of these, 16
miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an
8-lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I
pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every
40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424
cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I
figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to
something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these
are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in
28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642. According to
Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding,
that’s 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. And 34%
describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33. According to the
National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is
increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her
period, and is armed.
No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of flipping her off.
Dinner Farts
A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the Family. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!”
The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “dammit Ginger!”
Once again the woman smiled and thought, “yes!” A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!”
Classes For Men
CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS-SIGN-UP…..
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY OF THEIR CONTENTS, EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8 PARTICIPANTS EACH.
TOPIC 1 – HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS.
STEP BY STEP, WITH SLIDE PRESENTATION.
TOPIC 2 – THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
ROUND TABLE DISCUSSION.
TOPIC 3 – IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
GROUP PRACTICE.
TOPIC 4 – FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
PICTURES AND EXPLANATORY GRAPHICS.
TOPIC 5 – THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
EXAMPLES ON VIDEO.
TOPIC 6 – LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
HELPLINE SUPPORT AND SUPPORT GROUPS.
TOPIC 7 – LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
OPEN FORUM.
TOPIC 8 – HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
GRAPHICS AND AUDIO TAPE.
TOPIC 9 – REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
REAL LIFE TESTIMONIALS.
TOPIC 10 – IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
DRIVING SIMULATION.
TOPIC 11 – LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE.
ONLINE CLASS AND ROLE PLAYING.
TOPIC 12 – HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
RELAXATION EXERCISES, MEDITATION AND BREATHING TECHNIQUES.
TOPIC 13 – HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE.
CEREBRAL SHOCK THERAPY SESSIONS AND FULL LOBOTOMIES OFFERED.
*UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS.*
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