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Archive for the ‘Age Jokes’ Category
Reunion Dinner
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof Lowen restaurant because the waitress’s there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should go back to the Gausthof Lowen again,because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.10 years later at 60 years of age,the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.Finally it is agreed that they should once again, meet at the Gausthof Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and agrees that the Gausthof Lowen is a good idea because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.10 years later, at 80 years of age, and after talking at great length, it is decided that they should meet at the Gausthof Lowen because they heard it’s a nice place, the food is good and they’ve never been there before.
(1 Comment )
An 80 year old Italian gentleman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asked, “how do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” said the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape… I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up, down and around the fairways. I then have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it than that. How old was your father when he died?”
“Who said my father is dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your father is still alive. How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old,” says the elderly Italian golfer. “In fact, he golfs with me regularly, and then we go to the topless beach to pick up some girls and then have a little vino and that’s why he’s still alive. So you see, he’s Italian and a golfer, too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my nonno is dead?
Stunned, the doctor asks, “are you telling me you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible! how old is he?”
“He’s 119 years old,” said the old Italian golfer.
The doctor was somewhat frustrated at this point and sarcastically said, “So I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No, nonno couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
Getting married! Why would a 119-year-old guy want to get married?
“Who said he wanted to?”
Getting Older
Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You’re it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose. s
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10.Musical recliners.
Chapter 2: Signs of Menopause
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using
you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not
amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives
you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a
field trip to Chippendales.
Chapter 3: signs of wear
“OLD” IS WHEN….. Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and
you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
“OLD” IS WHEN….. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you’re barefoot.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
face.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don’t have to go along.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of
by the police.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any
fiber today.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking
lot.
But after all of that “You are as old as your “State of Mind.”
You don’t grow “Old” you just “GET BETTER.” (State of Mind). (smile!!!!!)
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning….. Uphill… barefoot.. BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3′ s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause – that’s how we rolled, dig?
We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!
And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!
Regards,
The Over 35 Crowd
Survivors of the 1930′s, 1940′s, 1950′s, 1960′s and 1970′s
posted by The_Web_Joker @ 10:45 AM
Friday, January 1, 2010
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps
not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren’t overweight.. WHY?
Because we were always outside playing…that’s why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on..
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo’s and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s,
no surround-sound or CD’s,
no cell phones,
no personal computers,
no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it ?
~
The quote of the month is by
Jay Leno:
‘With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?’
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