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Archive for the ‘Alcohol Jokes’ Category
Rules of Life
To anyone teaching or raising kids, of any age, here’s some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not learn in school.
He talked about how feel-good, politically correct teaching has created a full generation of kids with no concept ofreality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
RULE 1: Life is not fair – get used to it.
RULE 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3: You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure.
RULE 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping – they called it opportunity.
RULE 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are.
So before you save therain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
RULE 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer.
This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs!
RULE 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.
Why I Fired My Secretary?
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,”Happy Birthday!”, and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn’t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that’s wives for you, the children will remember.The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!”. And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday…let’s go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!” We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable”Sure!” I excitedly replied.She went into the bedroom, and in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.And I just sat there on the couch naked.
Beautiful story from scotland
This is a beautiful story from a bagpiper who was late for a funeral. It is short and sweet.
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where
I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I’d never played before,from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy
session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary ‘n Joseph, I have never seen nothin’like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
Be Fishers of Men
Be Fishers of Men…. You catch ‘em, He’llClean ‘em.A family altar can alter a family. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
Don’t put a question mark where God put a P Don’t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church. Exercise daily… Walk with the Lord!
Forbidden fruits create many jams. Give God what’s right, not what’s left! Give Satan an inch and he’ll be a ruler.
God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts”!
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible!
He who angers you, controls you!
He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone!
Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.
Never give the devil a ride! He will always want to drive!
Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
“Pray” is a four letter word that you can say anywhere.
Prayer – Don’t give God instructions – just report for duty!
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
This Church is “Prayer Conditioned”! To be almost saved is to be totally lost.
WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning! Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does! We don’t change the message, the message changes us. We set the sail; God makes the wind. We’re too blessed to be depressed. Wisdom has two parts:
1) Having a lot to say.
2) Not saying it.
Worry is the darkroom in which “negatives” are developed.
A hot day in Iowa
It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.
“Gootness, it’s hot,” she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, “Vy nodt?” so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
“Ya know,” Helga said, “it is so hot I tink I’ll have myself zee cold beer.”
The bartender asked, “Anheuser Busch?”
Helga blushed and replied, “Vell fine, tanks, und how’s yer pecker?”…
A Tribute to Beer…
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
Jack Handy
I’m Tessa Sanderson
A man goes into a pub and orders a pint of bitter, halfway through the pint he goes for a piss.
Whilst he is away a large black lady takes his pint drops her knickers squats over it farts and then returns it to the table.
When the man returns the barman tells him what has happened.
The man confronts the woman ‘Oi you fart in my Whitbread ?’
‘No’ she replies ‘I’m Tessa Sanderson’
On an out of town business trip
On an out of town business trip, after a meeting in the afternoon and the obligatory dinner that evening with the client, I went to my hotel room, watched some late-night TV and turned in at about midnight. After tossing and turning for over an hour I decided to give it up for a time and go down to the hotel bar for a drink.
At that time of night – it was now close to 1:30 – the bar was almost deserted. As I slid onto a barstool I noticed a lonely looking guy at the end of the bar just sitting, without a drink in front of him, just looking down at his hands.
When the bartender roused himself, came over and asked, “What’ll you have?” I replied, “Let me have a bourbon old fashion, and see what the guy at the end of the bar is drinking.”
When the drinks came, the man at the end of the bar raised his glass in a gesture of thanks and all was silent for a time.
When I finished my drink I called to the bartender for another, adding, “But this time, leave out the fruit.”
The other guy stiffened, visibly angry, and shouted, “Screw you mister, I didn’t want the first drink!”
Down south
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true they’s suin’ them cigarette companies fer causin’ people to git cancer?”
“Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin’ them fast food joints fer makin’ them fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all them burgers an’ fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?”
“Sure is, Bubba.”
“And that lady sued McDonald’s for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?”
“Yep.”
“And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still can’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer. “But, why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin’… What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?”
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