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Archive for the ‘Alcohol Jokes’ Category
Shamus and Murphy
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said: “Hang on, I have an idea.” He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said: “Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all’.
Murphy replied: “Don’t worry – just follow me.” He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamesons Whiskey.
Shamus said: “Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’
Murphy replied, with a smile: “Don’t worry, I have a plan. Cheers!” They downed their drinks. Murphy said: “OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said: “Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more o’this. I’m pissed and me knees are killin’ me!”
Murphy said: “How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.”
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Two old drunks
Two old drunks were really lapping them up at a bar one night.
The first old drunk said, “Ya know, when I was thirty years old and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.”
The first drunk continued, “By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be sixty next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”
“So,” says the second drunk, “What’s your point?”
“Well,” says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”
Two drunks
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, “You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
One of the drunks said, “Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
A very drunk lady
A very drunk lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, “Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.” The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
“Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy”, again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, “Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn.”
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, “Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray.”
A drunk
A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, “Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?” The drunk replied, “Yes ma’am, I have indeed shit myself.” The woman says, “Well, why don’t you go somewhere and clean yourself up?”
The drunk says, “‘Cos I’m not finished yet…”
Four retired guys
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Miami Beach. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says “Old Timer’s Bar ” …” All drinks 10 cents!”.
They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they should not judge the ‘book by its cover.’
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, Gentlemen?”
There seems to be a fully-stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis – shaken not stirred – and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each , please.” The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, …….”That’s 40 more cents, please.”
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They’ve each had two martinis, and so far they’ve spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”
Here’s my story. I’m a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same.”
“Wow. That’s quite a story.” says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn’t help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn’t have a drink in front of them, and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, “What’s with them?”
The bartender says, “Oh, those are vacationing Scotsmen. They’re waiting for happy hour.”
Six inches off the ground
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off !”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on, “but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!”
Frayed knot
A piece of string walks into the pub. The barman says, “Sorry mate, we don’t serve string.”
String goes outside, ties itself up a bit, pulls it’s ends apart, goes back in the pub.
Barman says, “Aren’t you that piece of string I just refused to serve?”
String says, “No mate, I’m a frayed knot”.
Some kind of a joke
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a Kiwi all walked into a bar.
The bar tender turned around and said, “Is this some kind of a joke?”
A man with no arms
A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
“Look,” said the customer, “I have no arms – would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?”
“Sure”, said the bartender, and he did.
“Now,” said the customer, “I wonder if you’d be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.”
“Certainly.” And it was done.
“If,” said the armless man, “you’d reach in my right hand pants pocket, you’ll find the money for the beer.” The bartender got it.
“You’ve been very kind,” said the customer. “Just one thing more. Where is the men’s room?”
“Out the door,” said the bartender, “turn left, walk two blocks, and there’s one in a filling station on the corner.”
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