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Archive for the ‘Animal Jokes’ Category
The Three Ducks
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn’t mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
“What’s your name?” He says to the first duck.
“Huey” said the first duck.
“How’s your day been, Huey?”
“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day”.
“Oh. That’s nice.”, says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck “Hi. And what’s your name?”.
“Dewey” came the answer.
“So how’s your day been, Dewey?”
“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again”.
o the Bartender turns to the third duck and says “So, you must be Louie”.
“No”, growls the third duck,
“My name is Puddles. And don’t ask about my fucking day”.
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The Pet
This one is great…..
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug),which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me and have a beer?”
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?”
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and started shouting,
“Hey, in there!
Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?
A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time!
I’m putting on my shoes!”
The farmer and the sheep
A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool, chops, etc… After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down in the grass and roll around when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try did not take and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. “No”, she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”
The Horny Camel
A guy and two of his friends are in the desert one day and they need to cross a really remote part. The only way is by camel and it would take 4 days.
The only guy around with camels for rent is very low on camels. He only has two to give the three men. So, one of the men says, “Hey, what about that camel over there in back?” The owner of the place says, “You don’t want that one. You have to jerk him off to get him to go.”
The three men laugh in disbelieve and say they will take him.
So off they go and the first day…no problems. The second day after they wake up and clean up camp, they climb up on their camels and off they go, except one…The One. The rider tugs at the reins…nothing. He kicks the camel in the ass…nothing. He looks the camel in the eye and gives him the jerk off sign and the camel nods his head, yes. So, he does the deed
and they get going. They ride all day with no more incidents.
The third day, the same thing…the camel won’t go. So, he pulls the reins…nothing. He kicks him in the ass… nothing. So, he gives him the jerk-off sign and this time the camel shakes his head, no.
The guy says, “You’re fucking kidding me! This far from no where and you pull this shit?!
What am I supposed to do?! Blow you?! And the camel nods, yes!
THE RABBIT AND THE BEAR
A bear is walking through the woods looking for a place to take a shit; Since he always has trouble with his fur getting dirty he decides to get close to the water so he can wash up afterwards…
On his way down he notices a rabbit taking a shit, so the bear says to the rabbit: “Excuse me; Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?”
The rabbit says, “No”
So, the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit
Dogs In Need
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. “What are they doing, Grandma?” asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, “The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”
“They’re just like people, aren’t they Grandma?” said the little one.
“How do you mean?” asked the Grandma.
“Offer someone a helping hand,” said the little girl, “and they screw you every time!”
Chicken and the Horse
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly, the Horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink. The horse yells at the Chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So, the chicken gets into the farmer’s BMW and drives it as fast as possible back to the mud hole. Wasting no time, the chicken ties a rope around the bumper, and then tosses the other end
of the rope to the horse. As the horse hangs on for dear life, the chicken drives the car forward, and saves the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again. This time, the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to hurry and get the farmer, or the farmer’s BMW. The horse then says, “Wait, I think I can stand over the mud hole!” So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says to the chicken, “Reach up and grab my ‘thingy,’ and pull yourself up!”
The chicken did so, and pulled herself up to safety.
The Moral of the Story?
If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A Fish Story
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance. The fish said to itself, “If that fly comes six inches closer, I’ll jump up and have myself a meal.”
Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, “If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I’ll catch the fish and have myself a meal.”
As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, “If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I’ll shoot the bear.”
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself: “If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I’ll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.
However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, “If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I’ll snatch the rat.”
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, and the cat jumped, missed the rat, and landed in the lake.
The moral of this story is:
A lot has to happen before the pussy gets wet.
A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell Terrier named Killer along for the company.
One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Jack Russell thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” Instead of running, however, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says…
“Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”
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