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Archive for the ‘Animal Jokes’ Category
“A bull in Montana”
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?” A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.” Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?” “It’s great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes.” “What do you do all day?” asked Martha. “Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.” Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?” “Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.” “Well, then, where are you?” “I’m a bull in Montana.”
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The Green Horse
John was walking in the park one morning when, at 9.30, the most beautiful girl he had ever seen rode past on a large bay horse.
Now John’s big problem was that he was tremendously shy and knew that he could never pluck up the courage to make the first move or start a conversation, so he set his mind to working out how he could ensure that this girl talked to him.
After a lot of thought he came up with a super plan.
I’ll buy myself a magnificent horse and the finest riding clothes that money can buy. I’ll also buy 10 gallons of bright green Dulux paint and early in the morning I’ll go down to the stables and paint the horse green. I’ll then go riding in the park and at 9.30 the girl will be riding towards me on her horse. She’ll be absolutely amazed, rein in her horse and say to me.
“My that’s a green horse you’re riding!” And I’ll reply “Yes it is, would you have dinner with me tonight?”
She will be so intrigued that she immediately agrees and we will have a magnificent meal in one of her favourite restaurants. As we’re driving back from the restaurant I will ask her to come to Paris with me at the weekend and she will agree.
In Paris we will have a luxury suite at the finest hotel overlooking the Champs Elysee and I will have bought a beautiful designer gown for her to wear in the evening. We will eat in a Michelin 3 star restaurant and enjoy the finest food and wine. Afterwards, back at the hotel there will be a magnum of champagne chilling by the side of the four poster bed. I will pour two glasses, hand one to her and slowly start to undress her. We will then have a night of beautiful passion and love.
So, having bought the finest horse and riding gear available, John goes to the stable early the next morning with 10 gallons of bright green Dulux paint and paints his horse.
At 9.00 he goes riding in the park. At 9.30 precisely she rides towards him on her large bay. As they meet she reins in her steed and says in a surprised voice “My that’s a green horse you’re riding!”
And John replies “Yes. Do you want to fuck?”
Dog Stuff
“Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot little puppies.” – Gene Hill
“In dog years I’m dead” – Unknown
“Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.” – Dave Barry
“I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.” – Penny Ward Moser
“The dog’s kennel is not the place to keep a sausage.” – Danish Proverb
“Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx.
“The scientific name for an animal that doesn’t either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.” – Michael Friedman
“To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.” – Aldous Huxley
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” – Robert Benchley
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.” – Sue Murphy
“Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?” – Unknown
“I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.” – Unknown
“I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves. ” – August Strindberg
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that that he can hold his own in the conversation.” – Fran Lebowitz
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.” – Franklin P. Jones
“Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul chicken, pork, half a cow.they must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!” – Anne Tyler
“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.” — Rita Rudner
“If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.” – Andy Rooney
“My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.” – Joe Weinstein
“Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.” – Unknown
“If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.” – Woodrow Wilson
“If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.” – James Thurber
“You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.” – Nora Ephron
“Rambunctious, rumbustious, delinquent dogs become angelic when sitting.” – Dr. Ian Dunbar
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” – Ann Landers
“Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” – Robert A. Heinlein
“In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.” – Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” – Ben Williams
“Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.” – Roger Caras
“When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.” – Edward Abbey
“Cat’s Motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.” – Unknown
“Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail..” – Unknown
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.” – Christopher Morley
“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” – Josh Billings
“Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.” – Holbrook Jackson
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andrew A. Rooney
“He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion” – Unknown
“Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.” – Mark Twain
“I care not for a man’s religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it.” – Abraham Lincoln
“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” – Unknown
“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.” – Mark Twain
“Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.” – Smiley Blanton
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.” – John Steinbeck
“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.” – Rita Rudner
Damn!
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old fart, time to retire.”
The old rooster replies, “come on, you can’t handle ALL these chickens. Look what it’s done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?”
The young rooster says, “Beat it! You’re washed up and I’m taking over.”
The old rooster says “I’ll tell you what, young stud, I’ll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”
The young rooster laughs, “You know you don’t stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I’ll give you a head start.”
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He’s already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.
“Damn!” he says, “That’s the third queer rooster I bought this month.”
Talking Duck
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck.”
“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.
“And you talk!” exclaims the bartender.
“I see your ears are working,” says the duck, “Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?”
“Certainly,” says the bartender, “sorry about that, it’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
“Marvellous!” says the ringleader, “get him to come see me.”
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says,
“Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!”
“Yeah?” says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”
“At the circus” says the bartender.
“The circus?” the duck enquires.
“That’s right,” replies the bartender.
“The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals?
With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?” asks the duck.
“That’s right!” says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: “What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?”
Looking for a parrot
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. “What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I’m sure you’ll agree, and it’s an absolute steal at only $20.
“Why is it that cheap?” the woman asks
“Well”, replies the assistant, “it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity”
“Oh, I don’t mind that”, said the woman, making her mind up, “I’m broad minded and it’ll be a laugh having a profane parrot”. So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman “Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam”
“I’m not a madam and this isn’t a brothel” says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let’s it drop.
A little later the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home. “A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes” says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
“Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we’re not prostitutes” complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.
A short while later, the woman’s husband comes home. “Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin’, Dave?” says the parrot.
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, “What were the people doing on the bus?”
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, “Yeah, but what else were they doing?”.
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, “Oh! They were drinking, huh??!” The chief continues, “Okay, were they doing anything else?”
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, “If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?”
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
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In the tropical waters of the Caribbean
posted by The_Web_Joker @ 8:00 AM
Sunday, September 18, 2011
In the tropical waters of the Caribbean
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten…” As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, “Your wish is granted,” and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can’t believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked. “He’s at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark,” came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s house.
As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.” Christian replied “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re a shark, the enemy and I’ll not be tricked.”
Justin cried back, “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed. I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again, Christian!”
In a nice little forest
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am. “It’s quite OK,” replied the snake. Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you. “Oh, that would be wonderful,” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny rabbit. “Oh, thank you! Thank you,” cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you’ve helped me.” So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone else in senior management.”
On the 40th floor
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date’s door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
“I’ll be ready in a few minutes,” she said. “Why don’t you play with Rollo while you’re waiting?” He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he’ll jump through.”
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through-and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul’s date walked out.
“Isn’t Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you’ve ever seen?”
“To tell the truth, ” he replied, “he seemed a little depressed to me.”
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