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Archive for the ‘Animal Jokes’ Category
Quick Animal Jokes
Q: What do you get out of forest fires?
A: Crispy critters
Q: How many mice does it take to screw IN a light bulb?
A: Two
Q: What’s green and red and goes 100 mph?
A: A frog in a blender
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The Vet
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog’s chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.” “What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven’t even done any tests! I want another opinion.” The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it’s head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”). The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he’s gone”). After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That’s outrageous!”
The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the
cat scan….”
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $30.
“Why so inexpensive?” she asked. The pet store owner said “Look, lemme’ be honest here. This bird used to live in a house of ill-repute and sometimes – oftentimes – he can blurt out some pretty vulgar stuff!”
The woman considered this, but decided because of the price, she’d get the bird anyway. She took him home and set him in the living room. The bird looked around, then at her and said Ah, new house, new madam!”
The woman was a tad shocked at the implication but then thought “That really isn’t so bad”
When her two teenage daughters came home from school, the bird looked at them and said “Ah, new home, new hookers.” The women were a bit offended but then chuckled at the inference.
Moments later, the woman’s husband, Wayne, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hiya Wayne, how’re ‘ya doin’?”
A Talking Pig
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said “…And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said “Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to
build my house with?”
Then the teacher asked the class “And what do you think that man said?” and my friend’s son raised his hand and said “I know! I know! He said ‘Holy Shit!! A talking pig!’”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
The Three Ducks
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn’t mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
“What’s your name?” He says to the first duck.
“Huey” said the first duck.
“How’s your day been, Huey?”
“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day”.
“Oh. That’s nice.”, says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck “Hi. And what’s your name?”.
“Dewey” came the answer.
“So how’s your day been, Dewey?”
“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again”.
o the Bartender turns to the third duck and says “So, you must be Louie”.
“No”, growls the third duck,
“My name is Puddles. And don’t ask about my fucking day”.
The Pet
This one is great…..
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug),which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me and have a beer?”
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?”
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and started shouting,
“Hey, in there!
Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?
A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time!
I’m putting on my shoes!”
The farmer and the sheep
A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool, chops, etc… After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down in the grass and roll around when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try did not take and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. “No”, she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”
The Horny Camel
A guy and two of his friends are in the desert one day and they need to cross a really remote part. The only way is by camel and it would take 4 days.
The only guy around with camels for rent is very low on camels. He only has two to give the three men. So, one of the men says, “Hey, what about that camel over there in back?” The owner of the place says, “You don’t want that one. You have to jerk him off to get him to go.”
The three men laugh in disbelieve and say they will take him.
So off they go and the first day…no problems. The second day after they wake up and clean up camp, they climb up on their camels and off they go, except one…The One. The rider tugs at the reins…nothing. He kicks the camel in the ass…nothing. He looks the camel in the eye and gives him the jerk off sign and the camel nods his head, yes. So, he does the deed
and they get going. They ride all day with no more incidents.
The third day, the same thing…the camel won’t go. So, he pulls the reins…nothing. He kicks him in the ass… nothing. So, he gives him the jerk-off sign and this time the camel shakes his head, no.
The guy says, “You’re fucking kidding me! This far from no where and you pull this shit?!
What am I supposed to do?! Blow you?! And the camel nods, yes!
THE RABBIT AND THE BEAR
A bear is walking through the woods looking for a place to take a shit; Since he always has trouble with his fur getting dirty he decides to get close to the water so he can wash up afterwards…
On his way down he notices a rabbit taking a shit, so the bear says to the rabbit: “Excuse me; Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?”
The rabbit says, “No”
So, the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit
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