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Archive for the ‘Animal Jokes’ Category
Like a Beaver
A little boy walks in on his grandma taking a shower. the little boy says “Grandma! Grandma!, What’s that?”
Grandma quickly thinks of something and says
“Why, that’s my Beaver,… yeah that’s it, my beaver”
The little boy walks off and buys the answer, then the next day the little boy walks in on his mom taking a shower.
The little boy says, “Mommy! Mommy! I know what that is!”
The little boy’s mom says “ok… then what is it.”
The boys says, “That’s your beaver, grandma has one too, but I think hers is dead cos it’s tongue was hanging out.”
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Why Dogs are Better Than Women
1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
2. Dogs like beer.
3. Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
4. Dogs don’t criticize.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs never expect gifts.
7. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you’ve ever had.
8. Dogs don’t let a magazine article guide their lives.
9. You never have to wait for a dog, they’re ready to go 24 hrs. a day.
10. Dogs don’t cry.
11. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
12. A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
13. Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late – the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
14. Anyone can get a good looking dog.
15. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
16. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
17. Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
18. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
19. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
20. A dog’s parents never visit.
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs don’t have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3. You can train a dog.
4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
5. Dogs understand what “NO” means.
6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
7. When dogs play “fetch”, they don’t laugh at how you throw.
8. Dogs are color blind.
9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren’t allowed to come inside.
How Dogs and Men Are Alike
1. Both keep moving…even when they are lost.
2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
4. Both are threatened by their own kind.
5. Neither understands what you see in cats.
6. Both want dominance.
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
8. Both chase cars.
9. The larger ones tend to drool.
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They’re totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They’re moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
Conclusion: They are tiny women in little fur coats.
Bloody brilliant
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog, “T-Square” do your stuff!”
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a square, circle and triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But, the accountant said his dog could do better.
He called to his dog and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”
Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He then divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his dog could do better.
He called to his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive.
The three men turned to the government worker and said, “What can your dog do?”
The government worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a dump on the paper, had sex with the other three dogs,
claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker’s compensation and then went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
They all agreed, that dog was bloody brilliant!!!
Oh simple
A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box. He sets the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck begins dancing.
The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is full of people watching this amazing duck, still dancing and giving the odd quack now and again.
The barman realizes that he hasn’t had business this good in a long time. It is so good that he offers to buy the duck from the man to which the man agrees to sell for £500. The barman thinks it is a bit expensive but agrees to buy it anyhow. On selling the duck, the man goes home leaving a crowded pub watching his dancing duck.
Later that night, the man gets a telephone call; it is the barman and he exclaims that the duck is a great success and that he has his money back in the amount of drink he has sold, but he says – “There is one thing… How do you get the duck to stop dancing?” to which the man replies: “Oh simple – just take the lid off the biscuit box and blow out the candle.
A Few More Things I’ve Learnt …
1. If you are too open-minded, your brain falls out.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
21. There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
22. Experience is the ability to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
24. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
20 miles
A mouse is putting down a few stiff ones at the local pub one evening and since his best girl left him, he’s feeling rather horny. Unfortunately the only female in the place is a giraffe, but she does look pretty good. In fact, as the mouse drains his glass he realises she look very good so he asks the barkeep to pour her a drink.
She smiles, he winks and next thing you know they’re sitting right next to each other. The bartender goes about his business and after a while notices that both the mouse and the giraffe have left. About an hour or two later he sees the mouse coming back into the bar – his little tail is all curly-cued, one ear is flopped over and he generally looks like heck.
“What happened to you?”, the barkeep inquires.
“Well”, says the mouse, “you saw me leave with that giraffe, didn’t you?”
The bartender nodded.
“Well,” continued the mouse. “Between the ‘Kiss me, Fuck me, Kiss me, Fuck me’, I must have ran 20 miles!”
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