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Archive for the ‘Blonde Jokes’ Category
51 days
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” The bartender can’t contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the centre is a beautifully framed child’s puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, “What’s all the chanting and celebration about?” The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, “Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!”
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Like a rabbit
Two blondes were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends. The first said, “He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats.”
“Impressive.” said the second young thing.
“Well… yes.” the first agreed. “But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit.”
Two horses
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.
A neighbour suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.
It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail and our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbour suggested she notch the ear of one horse.
That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again our friend couldn’t tell them apart.
The neighbour suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
Competition
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms…”
Something new and different
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.
She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!”
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!”
Amazed, the blonde wasn’t quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn’t covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly — tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything.
Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, “There are no fish under the ice!”
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice boomed back, “No, this is the manager of the skating rink!”
Completely nude
A high-class dress party is in full flow when suddenly a gorgeous blonde woman walks in…completely nude. The alarmed host rushes to intercept her.
Where’s your costume? he hisses through clenched teeth.
This is it , she explains. I came as Adam.
Adam?’ her host explodes. You don’t even have a cock!
Oh I don’t know, she replies, give me a few minutes…
Oh my God
An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright. “I’m so sorry luv! I just didn’t see ya. Are ya OK?” he blurts out. “Everyfink is justa blur, I can’t see a fing” she says, tearfully. Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, “How many fingers have I got up?” Oh my God no!” she screams. “Don’t tell me I’m paralysed from the waist down as well.
In an elevator
There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says “Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders.” The blonde then replies “That’s a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?”
First wedding anniversary
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a mobile phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it’s her husband, “Hi hun,” he says “how do you like your new phone?”
She replies “I just love it, it’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there’s one thing I don’t understand though.”
“What’s that, baby?” asks the husband.
“How did you know I was at Sainsburys?”
The enquiry is now closed
“For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the same bed every Friday morning” a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. “There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues.”
“However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient’s life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.
“We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The enquiry is now closed.”
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