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Archive for the ‘Blonde Jokes’ Category
Sunday night
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, “Oh, it’s Sunday night and my car broke down! I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
“Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messin’ with my sons Jed and Luke.”
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
“Okay”, she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?” They say, “Huh?”
She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.” She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, “Luke?”
Luke says, “Yeah, Jed?”
Jed says, “You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?”
“Yeah,” says Luke, “I remember.”
“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.
“Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not”.
“Me, neither,” says Jed, “Let’s take these things off.”
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With a black eye
A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what happened. He told them it had happened at church. They insisted that you couldn’t get a black eye at church, and wanted to know what really happened.
So, he told them, “I went to the church—I got on my knees and prayed—I stood up to sing the hymns—there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen, and when she had stood up, her dress had got stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her and she did not like that so she hit me.” The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he’d got beaten up at church. Again they didn’t believe him, so he explained, “I went to the church—I got on my knees and prayed—I stood up to sing the hymns—and there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack.”
At this point the other men interrupted and said “Please tell us you didn’t pull her dress out of there again?”
“No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn’t like that—so I shoved it back in.”
Take it out
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: But I don’t have any money. But I’d do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother”.
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) “Anything?” he asked. Yes,yes, anything” the blonde promised. “Well then, just follow me”, said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. “Come in And close the door” the man said. She did. He then said “Now get on your knees”. She did. “Now take down my zipper”. She did. “Now go ahead …take it out ….” he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered “Well…go ahead”. The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it ..and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said………..
“Hello, mum can you hear me?”
Dumb blonde
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He’s going through his usual off-colour and “dumb blonde” jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says:
“I’ve heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person’s hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being?
It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential…because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you
do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
“You stay out of this Mister! I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”
Yes/no
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of “yes/no” type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet – Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and inquires if something is wrong?
“I finished the exam in half an hour but I am rechecking my answers…”
The trigger
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?”
“No, silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: “I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”
“So, then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, “I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”
“So, then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”
A shiny object
A blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, “What is that?”
The store clerk responds, “It’s a thermos.”
The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk says “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
So she buys one.
The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blonde, asks, “What is that shiny object?”
She replies “It’s a thermos.”
She asks, “What does it do?”
She says, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
She then asks, “What do you have in there?”
“Two cups of coffee and an ice lolly.”
A waterbed
Ralph went to a bar and ordered a drink. After a few minutes, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon he invited her back to his place. When they got to the bedroom, the blonde exclaimed “Wow! A waterbed,
I’ve never had sex on a waterbed before.”
Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde stopped him and said, “Before we go any further, don’t you think we should put on some protection?”
“Good idea,” Ralph responded.
The blonde jumped up walked out of the room, and when she came back, she was wearing a life jacket.
“Blonde patient”
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
“You’ll be fine,” he said.
She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”
He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”
“The young blonde”
The young blonde was describing her evening’s exploits to a friend. “After dinner,” she said, “he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that.”
“That was smart,” her friend said, approvingly. “Then what happened?”
“He kept insisting, and I kept refusing,” the blonde said.
“You didn’t weaken your resolve did you?” asked the friend.
“Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry…”
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