Link Web Services
Web Joker RSS Feeds
Subscribe to The Web Joker RSS Feed!
Archive for the ‘Celebrity Jokes’ Category
Quick Celebrity Jokes
MICHAEL JACKSON
Q: Why are Michael Jacksons pants always look like they are too short?
A: Because he grabbed the first pair he could find!
Q: What’s brown and often found in childrens underpants?
A: Michael Jackson
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson going to the hospital for food poisoning
A: he ate a 3 year old weiner
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson going into rehab?
A: he had a ‘little crack’ problem
Q: Why does Michael Jackson like 28 year olds?
A: because there’s 20 of them
Q: What does Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They’re both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns
Q: What’s black and cums in a little white can?
A: Michael Jackson
Q: What celebrity in Hollywood has had the most children?
A: Michael Jackson
Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One’s made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with and the other you put groceries in
Q: Why are Michael Jackson’s pants always too small?
A: Because they’re not his
Q: What time is bed time at Michael Jackson’s house?
A: When the big hand touches the small hand
=====================================================================================
SONNY BONO
Q: How can you tell the difference between a dog and Sonny Bono?
A: One has a whole lot of bark and no bite and the other bites a whole lot of bark
=====================================================================================
NATALIE WOOD
Q: What kind of wood doesn’t float?
A: Natalie Wood
=====================================================================================
HELEN KELLER
Q: Why was Helen Keller’s leg yellow?
A: Her dog was blind, too
Q: How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her?
A: They rearranged all the furniture, put door knobs on all the walls and left the plunger in the toilet
=====================================================================================
MELISSA ETHERIDGE
Q: What do you call 500 heavily armed lesbians?
A: Militia Etheridge
=====================================================================================
MIKE TYSON
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
=====================================================================================
BRITNEY SPEARS
Q: How did Britney Spears cross the road?
A: With a Magic Marker
(0 Comments)
A True Story…
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City; a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. “I’ll be right back and we’ll go to eat,” she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big… very big… an intimidating figure.
The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don’t be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn’t read her mind, but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn’t just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and another-The elevator didn’t move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I’m trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then…one of the men said, “Hit the floor.” Instinct told her: Do what they tell you.
The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, “Ma’am, if you’ll just tell us what floor you’re going to, we’ll push the button.”
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.
She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. “When I told my man here to hit the floor,” said the average sized one, “I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn’t mean for you to hit the floor, ma’am.” He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
She thought: My God, what a spectacle I’ve made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her.
How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn’t know what to say. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring
with laughter while they walked back to the elevator.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together, and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room-a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: “Thanks for the best laugh we’ve had in years.” It was signed,
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan
Nine Things that Piss Me Off – by Adam Sandler
posted by The_Web_Joker @ 7:34 PM
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Nine Things that Piss Me Off – by Adam Sandler
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for
the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the
fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask
where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy
considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to
search the entire room for the TV remote because they
refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel
manually.
4. When people say “Oh you just want to have your
cake and eat it too.” Fuck off. What good is a goddamn
cake you can’t eat?
5. When people say “It’s always in the last place you
look”. Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep
looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who
and where are they?
6. When people say,while watching a movie “Did you
see that?” No ASSHOLE, I paid $7.50 to come to the
theatre and stare at the friggin ceiling up there.
7. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…..
Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
8. When something is “new and improved”, which is it?
If it’s new, then there has never been anything before
it. If it’s an improvement, then it must not be the
first one!!
9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you
know how fast you were going? You should know asshole
you fucking pulled me over!
OJ Simpson in Cancun
One sunny day, OJ Simsons lawyer finds out the bad news about the murder and a dreadful feeling comes over him… he has to call OJ and let him know what’s going on!
He is tired of saving OJ from himself… he picks up the phone, calls OJ, briefly tells him why he’s coming over and that he’ll explain the rest in detail as soon as he got there.
Twenty minutes later he is at OJ’s door; as he goes to ring the doorbell the door opens and to his surprise it’s OJ coming out in a hurry carrying two big suitcases…
‘What the hell OJ?’ says the lawyer, ‘where are you going with all of your stuff in such a hurry?’
“I thought you said I had to go to Cancun…”
NO! you dumbass, I said “You are going to the can, coon!”
Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them.
I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels…I write, “Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.”
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) ‘Married’ (walk off). That’s how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes:
My wife’s from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes’. ‘For Cripe’s sake.’ Who would that be, Jesus Cripe’s? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?
Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, ‘How can he want me the way I look in the morning?’ It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Pregnancy:
It’s weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, ‘Oh my god. He’s kicking. Do you wanna feel it?’ I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It’s weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don’t do that when I have gas. “Oh my god…give me your hand…It won’t be long now…”
Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen’. You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a
treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole
thing.
Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% that say “I don’t know”. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote…They’re voting
“I don’t know.” “Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON’T KNOW!” (Hangs up looking proud.) “Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about.” This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say “I’m not in the mood.”
Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi, it’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is ‘Share the love.’ Beep.” “Uh, yeah…this is the VD clinic calling….Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing
The Funniest Chain Email Letter I ever Received
posted by The_Web_Joker @ 10:14 PM
Saturday, January 9, 2010
This is by Dennis Leary and it’s the best chain letter I have ever read!!!!!
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off
to the traveling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send “his” email to $1000? How stupid are you?
Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit.
So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
Fuck them.
If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your
closest friends, and an amazing wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times.
I don’t fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it’s your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
—————– Chain Letter Type 1: ———————
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >(scroll down)
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >Make a wish!!!
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >No, really, go on and make one!!!
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >Oh please, they’ll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!!
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >Is your finger getting tired yet?
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >STOP!!!!
Wasn’t that fun? 
Hope you made a great wish
Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It’s true! Because, THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here’s how it goes:
Send this to 1 person:
One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people:
2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 5-10 people:
5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
Send this to 10-20 people:
10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will firebomb your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
——————————-Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Orphan from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit.
So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder – if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
Thanks again!!
——————————–Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works:
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way) They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.
This Could Happen To You Too!!!
Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
——————————–Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
Friends
A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you’ve been eating catfood,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re as ugly as a hat full of assholes,
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you’ve soiled yourself,
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad chimpanzees, then thrown to vicious dogs,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn’t speak much English… * no, sorry that’s the cleaning lady,
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll never have sex ever again.
——————————————————
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on.
Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who’s been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you’ll end up like Miranda. Right?
Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you’ll have to look at me naked!
Remember: “There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.”
Joker Comments