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Archive for the ‘Christmas Jokes’ Category
The bitch in the kitchen
A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell “All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we’re leaving.”
The mother went in and told her son, “we don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don’t want to hear any bad language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
“For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
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What do we tell them for Christmas?
An old man in Macclesfield calls his son in London and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you talking about,” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man said. “We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Bristol and tell her.” And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Macclesfield immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for easter weekend and paying their own way!! Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
Heard on Christmas Day
Talk about huge breasts!
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist!
If I don’t undo my pants I’ll burst.
Whew, that’s a terrific spread
I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
Are you ready for seconds yet?
It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, you’ll get some.
Don’t play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
I didn’t expect everyone to come at once.
You still have a little bit on your chin.
Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.
How long will it take after you put it in?
You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that.
How many are coming?
That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen.
Just lay back and take it easy…I’ll do the rest
How long do I beat it before it’s ready?
“Season’s greetings”
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally-conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, celebration of the winter/summer solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of your choice, or secular practice of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all AND a fiscally-successful, personally-fulfilled and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar for 2003, but not without due respect for the calendars of your choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our society great (not to imply that our society is necessarily greater than any other society) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for himself or others and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting (whichever comes first) and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Happy holidays!
Inner City Christmas Carols
(To the tune of Deck The Halls)
See that drag queen his name’s Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 quid he’ll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La
(To The Tune Of We Wish You A Merry Christmas)
We wish you a happy hearing,
we wish you a happy hearing,
We wish you a happy hearing,
and we hope you make bail!
(To The Tune Of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer)
Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.
(Then there’s my favorite rendition of an old holiday classic…)
‘Twas The night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
So I took their stereo.
Blonde’s Complaint
“Last year at a Christmas party, I got off with this gorgeous bloke called Ben. He was a real arrogant git, but I’ve always been attracted to bastards.
Little did I know this bloke was the biggest shit imaginable. We went back to my place and he pounced on me straightaway. Within minutes, he was shagging me frantically from behind on the sofa. I began to think that doing it that way was really impersonal.
“Let me turn around, I want to see your face,” I slurred in my drunken state. But Ben just carried on regardless. I tried to move round myself, but he held me in place, grunting something about his jeans round his ankles making it difficult to move.
I was getting well cheesed off and I could feel he was about to finish. I suddenly found myself groaning, “I want to see your face as you cum”.
I felt him reach down into his pocket and just as he reached orgasm, he thrust his bus pass in front of my face. I stared miserably at a passport photo of the git as he shot his load behind me.”
“Sincerely, Santa”
Dear Friends:
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from the “Twelve Days of Christmas”, but we had a little problem up here.
The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with VD from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my ass in bird shit. On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined The Gay Liberation Front, and those dumb Newfoundlanders have scheduled Christmas for the 5th Of February.
Sincerely, Santa
A pair of panty
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, “What does this do?”, “You’re kidding me!”, “Who owns that?”
Finally I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also sub as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane. Finding what I wanted was difficult as love dolls come in many models. I figured the “vibro-motion” was a feature my brother could live without so I settled for Lovable Louise. She also was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and left the front door unlocked. In the wee hours of the morning long after Santa had come and gone I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for hours.
The next morning Jay called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that made him VERY happy but the dog was confused. The dog would bark and bark. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came for the traditional dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except we forgot Grandma and Grandpa would be there.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked.
“It’s a doll.” replied my brother.
“Who would play with something like that?” she replied “And where are her clothes?”
“Boy that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying to steer her into the dinning room. But Granny was relentless.
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, “Hey who’s the naked gal by the fire place?” I told him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.
Dinner went well. We made the usual small talk when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the morning. She then lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure.
Later we discovered the cause of Louise’s collapse as she had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her thigh. Thanks to duct tape we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house…
The Christmas tree
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: “Where would you like to put this tree Santa?”
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
2 days before Christmas
It was 2 days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, “Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.”
“Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.” (pause)
“Ok, I see that it’s above the luggage scale, which is the place you’d have to step forward for a kiss.”
“That’s not why it’s there.” (pause)
“Ok, I give up. Why is it there?”
“It’s there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”
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