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Archive for the ‘Christmas Jokes’ Category
Behind the counter
A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.
“Santa!” he says. “What are you doing working here? Shouldn’t you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?”
Santa Claus sighs. He’s really let himself go. The red suit’s got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron’s in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn’t want to be serving up kebabs for a living.
“Well,” Santa says at last, “the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the stock market collapse and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But… it didn’t help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation.”
“Gee,” the guy says. “I’m really sorry, it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way.”
“Yeah,” says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. “Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?”
The guy says, “I’ll have a large Donner.”
“Sorry,” says Santa. “We’re all out of Donner. Will Blitzen do instead?”
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A little boy
A little boy sits on Santa’s lap. Santa says “I bet I know what you want for Christmas,” and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells “T-O-Y-S”.
The little boy thinks a second and says, “No, I have enough toys.”
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, “C-A-N-D-Y.”
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, “No, I have all kinds of candy.”
“Well what would you like for Christmas?” Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, “P-U-S-S-Y, and don’t tell me you don’t have any because I can smell it on your finger!”
Santa’s Pick Up Lines
* I know when you`ve been bad or good, so let’s skip the small talk, sister!
* Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
* Some of my best toys run on batteries…
* I see you when you’re sleeping – and you don’t wear any underwear, do you?
* Screw the “nice” list — I’ve got you on my “nice AND naughty” list!
* Wanna join the “Mile High” club?
* That’s not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I’m just glad to see you!
They’re Carol’s
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honour of this holy season,” Saint Peter said: “you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.” The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said: “They’re bells” . Saint Peter said: You may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked: “And just what do those symbolise?”
The man replied: “They’re Carol’s”.
All go to the Bahamas
The Teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy.
“Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?” she asked.
Patrick addressed the class, “Well Ms. Jones, my twelve brothers and sisters and I go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.”
“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?”
“Well, Ms. Jones, my sister and I also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents,” Jimmy replied.
“That’s also very nice Jimmy,” she said. Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked Isaac Cohen the same question. “Now Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”
Isaac said, “Well we also sing carols!”
Surprised, Ms. Jones questioned further. “Tell us what you sing.”
“Well, it’s the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, ‘What a friend we have in Jesus.’ Then we all go to the Bahamas.”
Things To Do During the Christmas Holidays
1. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.
2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of the neighbour’s nativity scene.
3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer jerky and Easter Bunny fillets.
4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick. Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless bastards for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.
5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand on the corner saying “Ho! Ho! Ho!” as women walk by.
6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that they’ve been naughty and won’t be getting any presents this year.
7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in suggestive poses.
8. Buy a package of Keebler’s E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the bad elves.
9. Decorate your yard to look like a sleigh and eight tiny reindeer crashed and burned. Walk back and forth along the street muttering, “Oh the humanity”
10. Get a job playing Santa at a corporate Christmas party and ask everyone if they’d like to see some naked pictures of Santa with the Boss’s wife.
11. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman urns.
12. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children they’ll get what you give ‘em and that’s that!
13. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children you’re sick of the milk and cookies crap and you’d prefer a beer and a hot blonde instead.
14. Sell Grinch-skin rugs.
15. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe.
16. Post a sign in front yard that says “Carollers Welcome.” When they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers.
17. Randomly replace one bulb in your neighbour’s lights so they no longer work. Repeat this every day until Christmas.
18. Decorate your yard for the holidays using you neighbour’s decorations.
What would have?
What would have happened if it had been the three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men ?
They would have asked directions
… arrived on time
… helped deliver the baby
… cleaned the stable …
brought practical gifts …
and made a casserole
But what would they have said as they left…?
As they left, they would have said……..
“Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?”
“Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in there!”
“And that donkey they are riding has seen better days too!”
“I heard that Joseph isn’t even working right now!”
Want to bet on how long it will take before you get your casserole dish back?”
“That baby doesn’t look anything like Joseph!”
“Virgin, my arse! I knew her in school !”
The True 12 Days of Xmas
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
======================================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
=======================================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=======================================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
========================================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
======================================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
======================================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What’s with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of dang joke is this? There’s bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
=======================================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their darn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me.
Agnes
=======================================================
December 22, 1972
Hey Butthead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You’ll get yours !
Agnes
========================================================
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those girls ladies. They’ve been flirting with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of manure. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned.
I’m calling the police on you !
Agnes
=======================================================
December 24, 1972
Listen Butthole:
What’s with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They’ve been trampled to death. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
======================================================
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
Memo from Santa:
From Santa…………..
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace and Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer, one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen…” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”
5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I her’d dat!”
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off”. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hog Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state police cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox”; Cledus T. Judd’s “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack”, and Johnny Paycheck’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, Shove It.”
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
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