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Archive for the ‘Comedy Jokes’ Category
Pearly Gates
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. “You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”
Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for his credentials.
Picasso doesn’t hesitate. “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”
Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women; he captures their essence with but a few strokes of the chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!”
The last to arrive is George W. Bush.
Saint Peter scratches his head. “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
G. W. looks bewildered, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs, “Come on in, George.”
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In the Old West
This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said “I have a suggestion that is sure to help.” “Tell me, tell me,” said the young man. “Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg.” “Will that make me a better gunfighter?” said the young man. “Definitely,” the old man replied. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. “Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?” “Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother.” “Will that make me a better gunfighter?” ” It sure will,” said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve piano player. “This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?” “One more thing,” said the old man. “Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun.” The young fellow didn’t hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun. “No, the whole gun, handle and everything.” said the old man. “Will that make me a better gunfighter?” “No,” said the old man, “But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he’s going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.”
Half a head of lettuce
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that hey only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”
“Essex, sir,” the boy replied. “Well, why did you leave Essex,” the manager asked. The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and football players there.. “Really?” said the manager, “My wife’s from Essex.” The boy replied, “Really? Who does she play for?”
In tiny letters
One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word ‘Penis’ in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class.
The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word ‘Penis’ again; this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s larger than the previous one. Finally one day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words:
“The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”
A blowjob
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”
Little Johnny waves his hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!”
Miss Rogers says, “All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?”
Little Johnny says, “Mas-tur-bate.”
Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”
Little Johnny says, “Oh, No, Miss Rogers! You’re thinking of a blowjob.”
The circus
Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnny’s favourites, the clowns. Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says ‘Little boy are you the front end of an ass?’ ‘No,’ replies little Johnny. Are you the rear end of an ass?’ ‘No,’ replies little Johnny again. ‘In that case,’ says the clown, ‘you must be no end of an ass.’ Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, ‘Little Johnny don’t worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.’ At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night. The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.
Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, ‘Little boy are you the front end of an ass?’ Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice: ‘Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!’
In the middle of Africa
Tony Blair goes on an official state visit to a small country in the middle of Africa.
At the airport he is met by this country’s Minister of Harbours. All of a sudden Tony realizes that this is absurd, this country has no harbours as it is landlocked! He is very puzzled and decides to find out what the story is.
At the official state banquet later that evening, he leans over to the President and asks, “Mr.President, why do you have a Minister of Harbours when you don’t have any harbours?”
The President looks Blair straight in the eye and says, “Well you know that may be true Prime Minister, but I was just as puzzled as to why you have a Minister of Health?”
Sex dog
Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie and he’s excited. He’s especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos. After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can’t wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it.
A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding out.
The movie starts and it’s the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever … group sex, S&M, golden showers … and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice and most of the men.
Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, “I’m only here for the music.”
The woman turns to Jerry and whispers, “We’re only here to see our dog.”
An English businessman
An English businessman is visiting a Spanish company in Seville and plans to stay 3 days. On the first evening he is sitting in the hotel restaurant, enjoying an aperitif and trying to decide what to order from the menu when the lights dim, the door from the kitchen opens and the head waiter walks in with a steaming dish under a large silver salver: a single spotlight plays on the dish. The waiter stops at the table next to the Englishman and with a theatrical flourish lifts the salver off the dish to reveal a plate overflowing with what appears to be a steaming, fragrant delicacy. He then proceeds to serve the customer at that table who is obviously drooling in anticipation of the magnificent offering.
The Englishman calls the head waiter to his table and says, “I don’t recognise that dish from the descriptions on the menu. Could you tell me what it is?”
“Si senor, yesterday was the first day of the bullfight week here in Seville and that dish is made from the testicles of the bull that was killed by our top matador. They are marinated in brandy for 8 hours and then slowly poached with a mixture of the finest truffles and foie-gras. It is truly a magnificent dish”
The Englishman is greatly tempted and asks if he can order the same but is disappointed to learn that the dish, because of the preparation time, has to be ordered a day in advance. He then decides to order it for his main course the next day.
The following evening he arrives in the hotel restaurant early and is eagerly awaiting the arrival of his special order. The lights dim, the door from the kitchen opens and the head waiter walks in with a steaming dish under a large silver salver: a single spotlight plays on the dish. The waiter stops at his table and with a theatrical flourish lifts the salver off the dish to reveal a plate that is almost empty apart from a small mound of shrivelled meat.
“I don’t understand”, complains the Englishman, “Yesterday’s dish was overflowing with a much, much bigger portion”
“Si senor”, replies the waiter, “But you have to understand, sometimes the bull, he wins”
Every Saturday
There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed.
The man said, “No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like.”
So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, “WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?” The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, “YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! He’s naked too!”
This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hit man replied, “It’s $1000 every time I pull the trigger.”
The man said, “$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife.”
The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He’s looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, “Just hold on now… I’m about to save you a thousand bucks.”
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