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Archive for the ‘Good Advice’ Category
Inventions
There is a famous saying which states that “necessity is the mother of invention”, however the inventions on this list seem far from necessary:
1. Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you’re fifty?
2. Coloured Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn’t make your mouth stand out enough.
3. Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let’s give kids another reason to eat them.
4. Juicers: Carrot-peach-avocado-rutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.
5. Coloured Contact Lenses: Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye colour.
6. Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn’t be able to braid your eyelashes.
7. The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
8. Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.
9. Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats: Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out.
10. Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.
11. Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
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The 21 st century
You Know You’re Living in the 21 st century when…
1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it’s out of date and sells for half the price you paid.
7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.
13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. ; )
19. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
20. Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this to…
20 Ways to Maintain Your Sanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in”.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favours”.
7. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy”.
8. Dont use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
12. Sing along at the opera (or to the classical station on your radio).
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won!”, “I won!” “3rd time this week!”
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “run for your lives, they’re loose!”
19. Tell your children over dinner. “due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
20. Dress up like a pilot, go to the airport lounge and get drunk like hell.
A Halloween Safety Public Service Announcement
posted by The_Web_Joker @ 8:00 AM
Friday, September 9, 2011
A Halloween Safety Public Service Announcement
As we all prepare for the upcoming Halloween season, please take a few minutes to read some simple rules to help keep everyone safe.
1. – Don’t assume the telephone calls are coming from another house.
2. – When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.
3. – Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
4. – Don’t go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out!
5. – If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.
6. – When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone.
7. – Don’t have sex. Especially if you’ve noticed a few of your friends are missing!
8. – As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell.
9. – Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
10. – If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, don’t stand there sighing with relief, GET THE HELL OUT!
11. – If appliances start operating by themselves, don’t check for short circuits; JUST GET OUT!
12. – Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
13. – If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.
14. – Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.
15. – If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely ambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
16. – If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
17. – Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
18. – If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had a full tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and will most likely be eaten.
19. – Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
20. – If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
Questions and Answers
Questions
1-What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2-What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3-What can you find in a man’s pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4-What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5-Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?
6-What does a dog do that you can step into?
7-What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can’t get one you can use your hands?
8-What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9-What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10-What is it that all men have one of; it’s longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn’t use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?
Answers:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name)
More Rejected Children’s Book Titles
1. Juggling Knives is Easy
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want
5. “Whatcha’ Doin’” the Wonderful Phrase
6. 101 Games to Play in the Road
7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer and a Fork
9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games
10. Arthur Gets Hunted
11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
12. Monsters Killed Grandpa
13. The hit sequel to “Elvis is your real dad” Mrs.Claus is your real Mum
14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
15. All Guns Squirt Water
16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
20. 101 recipes to make with Dog
21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
22. The New Boy is Bad
23. Your Nightmares are real
24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabies
26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious…..
28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower
31. Grampa Gets A Casket
32. Dad’s New Wife Robert
33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator
Intelligent Comments
* Can I use your head for my rock garden?
* You have a wonderful head on your shoulders – whose is it?
* I enjoyed talking to you – my mind needed a rest.
* He has a one-track mind – with one rail missing.
* He’s nobody’s fool – he’s a freelancer.
* He has an open mind – and it should be closed for repairs.
* He used to go to school with his dog. But one day they were separated – his dog graduated.
* He has a mind that reminds me of an auction… going, going, gone.
* She reminds me of a bottle of beer. Both are empty from the neck up.
* You sure have a great mind – too bad it never reached your head.
* What does your brain want to be when it grows up?
* Next time you order a toupee, get one with a brain.
* You have a great mind – why don’t you use it sometime?
* Are you always so stupid, or is today a special occasion?
* Are you naturally stupid, or did a terrorist hijack your brain?
* You should go to a dentist and have some wisdom teeth put in.
* Can you really afford to give anybody a piece of your mind?
* It takes real talent to be as dumb as you are.
* I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
* You appear to be as happy as if you were in your right mind.
* Are you naturally stupid or are you waiting for a brain transplant?
* I know you’re not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be.
* What’s the latest dope – besides you?
* He thinks of himself as a wit. He’s only half right.
* He was born April 2 – a day too late.
* You got an idea? Beginner’s luck!
* Every time he gets into a taxi, the driver keeps the “vacant” sign lit.
* Keep talking – someday you’ll say something intelligent.
* You could be the perfect understudy for an idiot.
* As a conductor, he doesn’t know his brass from his oboe.
* Here’s a group that actually made a record. The only reason it didn’t sell is that they forgot to put a hole in the middle.
* If it were for your stupidity, you’d have no personality at all.
* What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.
* If there’s an idea in your head, it’s in solitary confinement.
* He once said, and I quote, “Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.”
* How much of a refund do you expect to get on that head, now that it’s empty?
* Please don’t come any closer, I’m allergic to ignorance.
* You have a keen sense of stupidity.
* Look, I’m going to engage in a battle of wits with you – I refuse to attack an unarmed man.
* In your case, brain surgery would only be a minor operation.
* If you had a brain transplant, the brain would reject you.
* You could be brainwashed with an eyedropper.
* Your mind is as sharp as a marble.
* Anyone who offered you a penny for your thoughts would be over-paying.
* His mind is like a steel trap – always closed.
* I’ve got two minutes to kill – so tell me all you know.
* I bet you’re called a big thinker by people who lisp.
* He’s a little slow. It takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
* I’m paid to make an idiot of myself. Why do you do it for free?
Important
10 ways to really annoy those pesky neighbours this long hot summer
1) Take up the bagpipes.
2) If they happen to have a swimming pool, put a large dead octopus type creature in it every day.
3) Erect a very large sign that says big smelly twat with arrow pointing in their direction
4) Play sounds of uncontrolled flatulence through new 500-watt speakers
5) Concrete their garage door shut
6) Put “SARS: QUARANTINE” sign in their front garden.
7) Paint “I’m with stupid ->” on your house
Place giant magnifying glass over their house in the blistering sun at the height of the English summer (might not work)
9) Video them having a shag; put it on the Net; send them the link
10) Replace your grass with an assortment of broken down vehicles
Dark Suckers
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don’t emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don’t last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck – just like a vacuum cleaner does if you forget to change the bag. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. Then the Dark Sucker quits working.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can’t handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark
Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it’s not wise to touch an operating candle.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
So next time you see an electric bulb, remember: It’s really a Dark Sucker!
Things to Ponder
Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? (I’ve tried it, it doesn’t work)
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Did Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4′s”?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Sooner or later, doesn’t EVERYONE stop smoking?
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