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Archive for the ‘Good Advice’ Category
Let’s see if I understand how America works lately…
posted by The_Web_Joker @ 8:00 AM
Friday, August 19, 2011
Let’s see if I understand how America works lately…
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock ‘n’ roll music or musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.
If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?
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Fun Things to Do in a Public Toilet
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh shoot! My glass eye!”
6. Say “Darn, this water is cold.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!!”
11. Say, “Interesting….more sinkers than floaters”
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!
14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”
15. Say, “Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free.”
What my mother taught me
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION… “Just wait until your father gets home.”
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING…. “You are going to get it when we get home!”
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you … Don’t talk back to me!”
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.
5.My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE… “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD… “If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.
7. My Mother taught me ESP… “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR… “When that lawn mower cuts off you toes, don’t come running to me.”
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
10. My Mother taught me about SEX…. “How do you think you got here?”
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS… “You’re just like your father.”
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS… “Do you think you were born in a barn?”
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE… “When you get to be my age, you will understand.
14. And my all time favorite… JUSTICE… “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. … Then you’ll see what its like.”
15. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE….”If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”
16. My mother taught me RELIGION……”You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
17. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL…..”If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
18. My mother taught me FORESIGHT……”Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
19. My mother taught me IRONY…..”Keep laughing and I’ll *give* you something to cry about.”
20. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS…..”Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
21. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM…..”Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
22. My mother taught me about STAMINA…..”You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is gone.”
23. My mother taught me about WEATHER…..”It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.
24. My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS……”If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?”
25. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY…..”If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – Don’t exaggerate!!!”
26. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE…..”I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
27. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION….”Stop acting like your father!”
28. My mother taught me about ENVY……”There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”
Suicide Attempt
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
“Ordinarily,” Dr. Mills continued, “a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide.”
That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. Thed old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple’s son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother’s murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Proven ways
Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these assclowns for good…
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . ”
3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company. ” You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”
5. Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If BT calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, “OH MY GOD!” and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me neither!” and proceed to hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder!
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
The German controllers
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that, while visiting the cockpit aboard a PanAm 747 being piloted by a boyhood chum, I listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing….
Speedbird 206: “Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active.”
Ground: “Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.”
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: “Speedbird 206, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, ground, I’m looking up the gate location now.”
Ground: (with typical Germanic impatience) … “Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206: (coolly) … “Yes, in 1944. But I didn’t stop.”
A forest fire
Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest whilst assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers and face mask.
A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries.
Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast – some 20 kilometers away from the forest.
The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300m in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 1.78m (5’10″) of the fire.
Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.
How To Write Good
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren’t necessary
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
Your Health Questions Answered…
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it, don’t piss them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain – Good.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
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