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Archive for the ‘Kids Jokes’ Category
Asshole
The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class.
“Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”
She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from “the lamb was sure to go” to “the lamb went with her.”
A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Little Johnny raised his hand and recited, “Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt He stuck his nose in Mary’s clothes, and smelled her little–”
He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. “Prose!” the teacher said weakly. So Little Johnny said, “Asshole.”
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15 year old son
A couple was sitting up waiting for their 15 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.
“Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. “Guess what! I’ve just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!”
His mother turned red and said to her husband, “He’s your son. You talk to him”. Then she left the room.
The father said “Son, that’s great. Now you’ve become a man and I’m proud of you. I’m going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you’ve been wanting. I hope you don’t mind waiting till payday to get it”.
“That’s OK, Dad”, said the boy. “I couldn’t ride it right now anyway. My ass is too sore right now.
10 times its size
The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered for a long time until little Mary stood up, angry, and said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal who would fire the teacher!
The teacher ignored her and asked the question again. “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
The teacher said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and said,”As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number one, you have a dirty mind. Number two, you didn’t read your homework. Number three, one day, you will be very, very disappointed.”
In our garden
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.
“That’s a daddy longlegs.” her father answered.
“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.
“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. “Well, we’re not having that sort of shit in our garden.”
Irritating cunt
A teacher is talking to her class full of infants “If your mother was a bird, what sort would she be?” she asks the children
The first child says – “If my mummy was a bird, she’d be a dove”,
“That’s nice” said the teacher, “why’s that?”
Because she’s beautiful and pure and reminds me of a dove” says the little boy
“If my mummy was a bird, she’d be a stork” says the second boy,
“Oh and why’s that?” says the teacher
“Because she’s tall and elegant and reminds me of a stork” says the boy
“If my mummy was a bird she’d be a thrush” says the third boy
“Why’s that?” says the teacher
“Because she’s an irritating cunt!”
Two young brothers
Two young brothers are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father gets the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs.
The mother turns back to the two boys and says, “we’re going upstairs for a little while. You two stay here and watch TV, okay?”
The two boys nod in agreement, and the parents take off upstairs.
The eldest of the two boys is old enough to know what’s going on, so he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad’s bedroom and just shakes his head. Back downstairs, he says to his little brother, “Be real quiet, and follow me.” Together, they tiptoe up the stairs.
Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and whispers, “Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to get mad at us for sucking our thumbs.”
Mrs. Crunt?
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, “Hello class, I’m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an “r” after the first letter.” The entire class says, “Hello Mrs. Prussy.” A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, “I remember it has an “r” after the first letter.” “That’s right!” she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, “Mrs. Crunt?”
The contagious
A teacher asks her class to use the word ‘contagious’ in a sentence. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, “Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.” “Well done, Roland” says the teacher. “Can anyone else try?” Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says ,”My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it’s contagious.” “Well done, Katie” says the teacher. “Anyone else?” Little Johnny jumps up and says, “Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious”
A blowjob
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”
Little Johnny waves his hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!”
Miss Rogers says, “All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?”
Little Johnny says, “Mas-tur-bate.”
Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”
Little Johnny says, “Oh, No, Miss Rogers! You’re thinking of a blowjob.”
Two little kids
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze!”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”
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