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Archive for the ‘Kids Jokes’ Category
A young farmer’s son
A young farmer’s son awoke and wanted breakfast, so he told his mother. She said, “Not until you feed the animals.” The boy went outside and said to the chicken, “I don’t feel like feeding you today.”
So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry.
His mother said, “I saw you kick the chicken, so you’re not getting any eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so you’re not getting any milk. And I saw kick the pig, so you’re not getting any bacon.”
Just then the boy’s father walked down the steps and tripped over their little pussy cat, kicking the cat in the process.
The boy said, “Mum should I tell him or you?”
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The bitch in the kitchen
A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell “All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we’re leaving.”
The mother went in and told her son, “we don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don’t want to hear any bad language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
“For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
$100
A little boy needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God, which read as follows:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those bastards deducted $95.
Male or female?
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, “Is God male or female?”
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, “Well, honey, God is both male and female.”
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, “Is God black or white?”
“Well, God is both black and white.”
This further confuses him so he asks, “Is God gay or straight?” At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, “Honey, God is both gay and straight.”
At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, “Mom, is God … Michael Jackson?”
The difference
Little Johnny went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he’d sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So little Johnny went to his mother and asked “Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.”
Johnny then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh absolutely, I’d just love to do that! I’d do it for free!”
Then he went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million could buy?”
Johnny pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?
Little Johnny replied, “Yes, sir. Potentially, we’re sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two sluts and a fag.
My name is Petal
The vicar was standing outside the church when a sweet little girl is walking along with her dog.
“Hello little girl, I’ve not seen you around here before, what’s your name?” asks the vicar.
“My name is Petal” replies the sweet little thing.
“Oh what a lovely name” says the vicar “Why did mummy and daddy call you that?”
“Cos when I was growing in my mummy’s tummy one day mummy and daddy went on a picnic and a rose petal drifted down to land on mummy’s tummy and daddy said if we have a girl we’ll call her Petal”
“That’s a lovely story” says the vicar “and what’s your little dog called?”
“Oh his name is Porky” says Petal.
“I suppose that’s because of his curly tail” says the reverend.
“No” replies Petal “It’s because he fucks pigs”
In the same closet
A woman takes a lover in the afternoon while her husband is working. One day her little boy comes home early and she puts him in the closet. Then the husband comes home early too, she puts the lover in the same closet:
Boy: Sure is dark in here.
Lover: Sure is.
Boy: I have a baseball
Lover: How nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Lover: How much?
Boy:$25.00
Lover: That’s outrageous.
Boy My dad is outside.
Lover: Ok I will buy it.
A few weeks later the same thing happens and they both end up in the closet again.
Boy: Sure is dark in here
Lover: Sure is.
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
Lover: remembering the last time says “How much?”
Boy:$75.00
The lover buys the glove.
Shortly after the father says to the boy,” Lets go out and catch some ball.” The little boy says he can’t because he sold his ball and glove.
Father: For how much?
Boy: $100.00.
Father: That was much more than they were worth that is terrible to over charge your friends like that I think you need to go to church and confess.
So the father takes the boy to church and the little boy gets into the confessional and waits for the priest. He hears the door close on the other side and he says “Sure is dark in here” and the priest says “Don’t start that stuff again!”
In North London
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in North London and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Spurs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Spurs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says:
“Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?”
“Because I’m not a Spurs fan,” she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: “Well, if you’re not a Spurs fan, then who are you a fan of?”
“I’m an Arsenal fan, and proud of it,” Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. “Mary, why are you an Arsenal fan?”
“Because my mum and dad are from Highbury, and my mum is an Arsenal fan and my dad is an Arsenal fan, so I’m an Arsenal fan too!”
“Well,” said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, “that’s no reason for you to be an Arsenal fan. You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?”
“Then,” Mary smiled, “I’d be a Liverpool fan.”
Fucking cat
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, He politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, And I’ve just buried him.” The neighbour was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn’t it?’
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your fucking cat.”
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