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Archive for the ‘Love Jokes’ Category
The last day
A man walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me a shot of the strongest thing you’ve got.” He takes the shot glass and knocks it back. He then asks for another one and knocks that on back, too. After about 5 or 6 of these the bartender decides that he’s going to cut the guy off. He say’s to the guy, “Hey, what’s wrong with you? Did you have a fight with your wife or something?” The man sighs and says, “Yeah, after the fight she said that she wasn’t going to speak to me for a whole week!” The bartender, puzzled, says, “Well, what’s wrong with that?” The man replied, “Well today’s the last day!”
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Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew
1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up, put it down.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived. 17. Sunday = Sports.
18. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap-opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done not both.
23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
24. You have enough
25. Nothing says “I love you” like sex.
Quick Love Jokes
Q: What do you tell a girl with two black eyes?
A: Nothing. You already told her twice!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag
The Cremation
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter… Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?”
She answered by saying, “I bought it with the insurance money!”
She then said, “Irving, remember that new car you promised me?”
She answered saying, “Well, I bought it with the insurance money!”
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes……!
Stand By Your Man
The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”
“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
MARRIAGE
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don’t expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise.
I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night, whether you’re here or not.”
WOMEN’S ENGLISH
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = you’ll be sorry
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset you idiot
You’re certainly active tonight = Is sex all you think about
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don’t want you to see me naked
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ….and carpeting, and wallpaper, and furniture
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m gonna ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something you’re not gonna like
I’ll be ready in a sec = kick your shoes off and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You need to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening? = Too late, you’re dead meat
I’m not yelling = Yes, I’m yelling because I think this is
Important: POSSIBLE ANSWERS TO “WHAT’S WRONG?”
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing really = It’s just that you’re an asshole
MEN’S ENGLISH
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal of this
What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
I’m bored = do you want to have sex?
I love you = let’s have sex now
I love you, too = o.k., I said it, we better have sex now
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I can’t tell any difference
Let’s talk = I’m trying to impress you by showing you that I’m a deep and maybe you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
While shopping) I like that one better = pick any stinking dress and let’s go home
I don’t think that blouse and skirt go well together = I’m gay
Jack and Jill
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat…He says “Jack, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, “Here – try these on.” So, she did and said, “These are too big, I can’t wear them.” So I replied, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.” Ever since that night we have never had any problems.”
“Hmmm,” says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, “Here try these on.” So she does and says, “These are too large, they don’t fit me.” So Jack says, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don’t want you to ever forget that.”
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, “Here you try on mine.” So he does and says, “I can ‘t get into your pants! .” So Jill says, “Exactly. And if you don’t change your smart ass attitude, you never will.”
CIRCLE OF LIFE
When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, she cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
cheap
A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had varied excuses.
“Happy anniversary Mom and dad,” gushed son number one….”Sorry I’m running late…didn’t have time to get you a present.”
“Not to worry,” said dad. “The important thing is that we’re all together today.”
Son number two arrived and announced, “Just flew in from LA and didn’t have time to get you anything…sorry.”
“It’s nothing,” said the father, “glad you can be here.”
The daughter arrived. “Happy anniversary! I’m sorry but I’ve been out of town and didn’t bring a present.” Again the father said, “I really don’t care, at least the five of us are together today.”
During dinner, the father put down his fork, looked up and said,”Listen, you three, there’s something your mother and I need to tell you. We came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise you and send you to college. But we never got around to getting married.”
The three kids gasped and said, in unison, “You mean we’re BASTARDS?”
“Yep,” said the dad. “And cheap ones too.”
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