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Archive for the ‘Marriage Jokes’ Category
First wedding anniversary
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a mobile phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it’s her husband, “Hi hun,” he says “how do you like your new phone?”
She replies “I just love it, it’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there’s one thing I don’t understand though.”
“What’s that, baby?” asks the husband.
“How did you know I was at Sainsburys?”
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Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?
posted by The_Web_Joker @ 8:00 AM
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?
Bob and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say: “We are going to have 8 to 10 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says: We are expecting 10 to 12 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says: “We are expecting 12 to 14 centimetres of snow today. You must park…….” then the electric power goes out. Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says: “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplough can get through?” With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob said: “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”
Sam and Bessie
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens but all his life Sam has wanted to own an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie: “So, do you notice anything different about me?” “What’s different? It’s the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants.” “What’s different?” Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says,: “Bessie, do you notice anything different?” “What’s different, Sam? It’s hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow.” Angrily, Sam yells: “Do you know why it’s hanging down? ‘Cause it’s looking at my new boots!!”. And Bessie said: “You shoulda bought a hat!”.
A young couple
A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.” She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your pants, “she said. “That’s right,” said the husband, and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family. With that she flipped him her panties *and said’ “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. “I can’t get into your panties!” She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to be until your fucking attitude changes!”
73-year-old man
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”
The elderly gentleman replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!”
A newly married
A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
“Care to go upstairs and have a bonk?” the husband asked.
“Shhhh!” said the bride “All the neighbours will know what we’re about to do.
These walls are paper thin. In the future, we’ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking ‘Have you left the washing machine door open’ instead?”
So the following night, the husband asks, “I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?”
“No, I definitely shut it”, replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said, “I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?”
“No thanks” said the husband, “It was only a small load and I’ve done it by hand.”
Wedding night
On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.
“Since we’re married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don’t want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not want sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex.”
“Okay sweetheart,” the groom replied.
“Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don’t want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn’t matter.”
One hot, summer afternoon in Alabama
One hot, summer afternoon in Alabama, Ma and Pa are sitting on the porch swing, rocking to and fro.
Then Pa turns to Ma and says, “Screw you, Ma.”
A minute passes by when Ma says to Pa, “Screw you, Pa.”
Another minute passes by and Pa says to Ma, “Screw you, Ma.”
Again another minute passes by and Ma says to Pa, “Screw you, Pa.”
After a couple of minutes pass by, Pa says to Ma, “You know something, Ma. I don’t know what the fuss is all about but I just don’t get too much from this oral sex thing.”
The grocery store Mary and Ellen
Every week at the grocery store Mary and Ellen, two old friends, would cross shopping carts.
One day one Mary notices a package of dog food in Ellen’s cart and comments, “I didn’t know you had a dog.”
“I don’t,” says Ellen, “I give it to my husband, Henry. It’s less expensive than ground meat and he doesn’t know the difference. Besides, he loves the stuff.”
“You’re going to kill him if you continue to feed him dog food,” Mary warns.
“Nah, he can’t get enough of it,” Ellen responds.
Two weeks later they cross paths in the grocery store again and Mary notices two large bags of dog food in Ellen’s shopping cart.
“I see you’re still buying dog food,” Mary shouts. “Mark my words, you’re going to kill Henry if you keep feeding that stuff to him.”
“No way,” says Ellen, “I simply mix it with a little water. It makes a nice gravy and he eats more than ever before. He doesn’t know the difference and he really loves it.”
Four weeks go by when they meet in the same aisle of the grocery store. This time Mary notices there is no longer any dog food in the cart.
“I see you’re not buying Henry dog food any longer?” Mary inquires, “did he finally wise up?”
“No, unfortunately, Henry passed away last week,” Ellen responds.
“I told you that damn dog food was going to kill Henry,” Mary gleams.
“Oh, no, it wasn’t that,” Ellen answers. “He was run over in the middle of the street while licking his balls.”
Each morning
Each morning, a self-righteous, nosy cab driver would drive a man to his place of employment and would later return to drive the man’s wife to her place of employment…a brothel.
During a conversation one morning with the man, the nosy cab driver smugly stated, “I don’t mean to be prying, but did you know that each morning after dropping you off at work, I return and take your wife and drop her off at a brothel where she works?”
“That is impossible!” The man replied alarmingly. “My wife stays home while I am at work.”
“You are being deceived, sir,” the cab driver taunted. “As a special favor to you, after I drop your wife off today, I will return to pick you up, then take you to this place.”
Both men agreed and after dropping the man’s wife off at the brothel, he then picked up the man and drove back.
“I do not wish to enter such a place,” began the man. “I will gladly compensate you if you would go in and retrieve my wife.”
Anxious to prove his point, the cab driver rushed from the car into the brothel. A few minutes later, he stepped out of the brothel pulling and scuffling with a woman. The man stared out the window confused as he realized that this woman in fact was not his wife.
The cab driver pulled the woman to the car and pushed her inside.
“Sir, I must inform you, that this woman is not my wife,” replied the man.
“I know,” answered the cab driver as he turned back towards the brothel. “I’m going back in after yours, that one’s mine!”
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