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Archive for the ‘Marriage Jokes’ Category
1. So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it’s really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat. Sorry!
3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don’t fret about it… She moved in with me.
4. Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder… What the hell was I thinking?
5. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
6. How could two people as beautiful as you… Have such an ugly baby?
7. I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you … I’ve changed my mind.
8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life… I never believed in Hell till I met you.
9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am… That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
10. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go … would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.
11. Someday I hope to get married …but not to you.
12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age… Almost Lifelike!
13. When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.
14. We have been friends for a very long time… what say we stop?
15. I’m so miserable without you …it’s almost like you’re here.
16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we’re having you put to sleep.
18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)
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A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife’s car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.
Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’
She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?’
‘Yes,’ was his incredulous reply
She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.’
COWS, GOLF AND MY WIFE
A man staggered into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him ‘What happened to you?
Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow’s arse.
Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’
‘I don’t remember much after that…’
¿Qué hacer para que una mujer le brillen los ojos?… Ponerle una linterna en la oreja.
¿Cuál es el anticonceptivo más efectivo para la mujer?… Una aspirina… sujeta entre las rodillas.
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