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Archive for the ‘Marriage Jokes’ Category
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain”
“Just be quiet”, snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, but officer, I just wanted to say…”
“And I told you to keep quiet … you’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he returns.”
“Don’t count on it,” said the fellow in the cell, “I’m the groom!”
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A nice, calm, respectable lady went to the pharmacy, asked for the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said “I want to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it for my husband.”
The pharmacist, obviously quite shocked, exclaimed, “My word, I can’t sell you cyanide to give to your husband – that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw us both in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen… absolutely not! you can’t have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different… You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
The Cremation
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter… Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?”
She answered by saying, “I bought it with the insurance money!”
She then said, “Irving, remember that new car you promised me?”
She answered saying, “Well, I bought it with the insurance money!”
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes……!
Stand By Your Man
The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”
“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
MARRIAGE
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don’t expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise.
I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night, whether you’re here or not.”
1. So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it’s really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat. Sorry!
3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don’t fret about it… She moved in with me.
4. Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder… What the hell was I thinking?
5. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
6. How could two people as beautiful as you… Have such an ugly baby?
7. I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you … I’ve changed my mind.
8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life… I never believed in Hell till I met you.
9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am… That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
10. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go … would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.
11. Someday I hope to get married …but not to you.
12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age… Almost Lifelike!
13. When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.
14. We have been friends for a very long time… what say we stop?
15. I’m so miserable without you …it’s almost like you’re here.
16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we’re having you put to sleep.
18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife’s car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.
Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’
She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?’
‘Yes,’ was his incredulous reply
She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.’
COWS, GOLF AND MY WIFE
A man staggered into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him ‘What happened to you?
Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow’s arse.
Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’
‘I don’t remember much after that…’
¿Qué hacer para que una mujer le brillen los ojos?… Ponerle una linterna en la oreja.
¿Cuál es el anticonceptivo más efectivo para la mujer?… Una aspirina… sujeta entre las rodillas.
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