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Archive for the ‘Marriage Jokes’ Category
For the fourth time
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poisonous mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poisonous mushrooms, too.
Jim: And your third ate poisonous mushrooms, too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see. An accident?
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms!
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A fancy hotel
This guy and his newlywed wife go off to a fancy hotel to celebrate their first night of marriage. Both of them had been saving themselves for this night and both were very anxious to, you could say, get everything underway.
They strip down naked and are about to start getting kinky when the husband takes a look at his wife and says, “That’s quite a fair sized butt you got there!!”
His wife starts screaming at him and going mad telling him he should think about what he says and that she had been waiting her whole life for this one night and then she kicks him out the room!
As he’s standing in the passage feeling very despondent, he hears another door slam shut and sees another guy standing there with the same helpless look on his face. He asks the second guy what happened and he says, “Well tonight is my first night of my honeymoon. Both my wife and I had been saving ourselves for this one night. As we were getting ready I looked at her naked body and said, ‘Quite the hefty pair of tits you got there!’ Next thing she starts going wild and screaming and shouting, telling me I’m going to give her a complex or something, and then she kicked me out!”
Just then they hear a third door slam shut and see another guy standing there.
The first one asks him, “Did you also put your foot in it?”
And he replies, “No, but I could have!!”
A shopping trip
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out “Perhaps you should hear how all this came about…”
I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.
She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn’t suit you.
Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
“Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use anymore ?’”
Back seat driver
After having a little too much to drink, a man drives home from the city, his car weaving violently all over the road, as drunk drivers are prone to do. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest.
“that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
Linda is left handed
A middle-aged couple was discussing life, and preparing wills. The conversation turned to remarriage. Wife: If I should die first, will you remarry? Husband: Probably, I wouldn’t like to spend the rest of my life alone. Wife: Would you bring your new wife into our home that we have shared? Husband: I don’t see why not, It would be empty, you wouldn’t be there. Wife: Would you share the same bed we’ve shared? Husband: Well, it’s a comfortable bed. Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes? Husband: Sure, if they fit. They are quite nice. Wife: Would you let her use my golf clubs? Husband: No way, Linda is left handed.
Sort of cake
A man is watching the football on TV when his wife turns to him and says: “Honey can you fix the light in the hallway it keeps flickering”
“Fix the light, now, do I look as though I have London Electricity written across my forehead? I don’t think so” the husband replies.
“Well could you fix the fridge door please it doesn’t close properly” she adds.
“The fridge door, now! Do I look as though I have Hotpoint written across my forehead, I don’t think so” he replies again.
“Well could you at least fix the steps to the house, they are nearly breaking and dangerous” she say despairingly.
What? The steps? For God’s sake can you see B&Q across my forehead, No,I don’t think so – I’ve had enough of this I’m going to the pub”
So off he goes and drinks until closing time. When he returns home he notices that the steps to house have been fixed. On entering the house the hall light is no longer flickering and on grabbing a beer from the fridge he is pleased to see the door closes properly. Somewhat pleased with this “disappearing to the pub tactic” he asked his wife how come everything is fixed.
She replies: Well you see when you left I sat on the front porch crying, when suddenly this handsome young man asked why I was so upset. I told him and he said that he would happily fix everything if I would either bake him a cake or have sex with him”
“So” the husband enquires “what sort of cake did you bake him?”
“HELLO!!!” she replies, do I have Mr Kipling written on my forehead. No, I don’t think so.
You wouldn’t believe what a day I had
Morris comes home and finds his wife Sadie crying. She says, “I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you’re having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I’ve always been a good wife…I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?”
Morris says, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex.”
Sadie says, “If I moaned when we have sex, you’d stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex.”
They go to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb in bed. As they start kissing, Sadie says, “Now, Morris? Should I moan now?”
He says, “No, not yet.” He starts fondling her, and she says, “What about now? Should I moan now?”
He says, “No, I’ll tell you when.” He climbs on top of her and starts banging her.
She says, “Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?”
He says, “Wait, wait…I’ll tell you when.” A few minutes later, just seconds before he’s going to climax, he says, “Now, Sadie. Moan. Moan…”
She says, “Oy, you wouldn’t believe what a day I had…”
Two women
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to wipe, and then discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought “I’m not getting rid of my panties,” so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties!” The other one responded: “You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, “We will never forget you.”
Tackle box
A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week.” “This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lot’s of salmon, some trout, and a few pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?”
The wife replies; “I did, they were in your tackle box.”
You’re gonna die
Frank has been feeling poorly lately…depressed, stressed, nervous, argumentative.
His wife Estelle, who is by now pretty stressed out herself, finally persuades him to make an appointment with their family doctor, to which she accompanies him.
After the physical, while Frank is getting dressed again in the examination room, the doctor takes Estelle into his office.
“Mrs. Johnson,” says the doctor, “I’m afraid Frank’s stress has affected his heart and blood pressure. I think we have to be prepared to lose him in a month or two.”
“My God!,” says Estelle. “Isn’t there anything we can do?”
“Well, yes there is, but it will take a serious commitment on your part. First of all, when you wake up in the morning, put on something pretty, not just an old housecoat. Always look your best…show him you care what he thinks. Make a hot breakfast for him every day and have it ready when he comes down. Don’t let him wait and start to brood, and don’t let him worry about chores. Let him read the paper and watch TV as much as he wants. Make all his favorites for lunch, and bake a fresh pie or cake every day for dessert. For dinner, don’t use frozen foods…if he wants French Fries, for example, cut them fresh and fry them. That will show him how much you care about him.
And most important, give him sex whenever and wherever he feels like it, and it would be a nice touch if you wakened him every morning by performing oral sex on him. That will show him how much you love and need him. If you work these simple duties into you routine, I’m certain we’ll have Frank around for many, many years.”
As they are driving home, Frank turns to Estelle. “Well, what does the doctor say?”
“He says you’re gonna die.”
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