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Archive for the ‘Medical Jokes’ Category
You’re gonna die
Frank has been feeling poorly lately…depressed, stressed, nervous, argumentative.
His wife Estelle, who is by now pretty stressed out herself, finally persuades him to make an appointment with their family doctor, to which she accompanies him.
After the physical, while Frank is getting dressed again in the examination room, the doctor takes Estelle into his office.
“Mrs. Johnson,” says the doctor, “I’m afraid Frank’s stress has affected his heart and blood pressure. I think we have to be prepared to lose him in a month or two.”
“My God!,” says Estelle. “Isn’t there anything we can do?”
“Well, yes there is, but it will take a serious commitment on your part. First of all, when you wake up in the morning, put on something pretty, not just an old housecoat. Always look your best…show him you care what he thinks. Make a hot breakfast for him every day and have it ready when he comes down. Don’t let him wait and start to brood, and don’t let him worry about chores. Let him read the paper and watch TV as much as he wants. Make all his favorites for lunch, and bake a fresh pie or cake every day for dessert. For dinner, don’t use frozen foods…if he wants French Fries, for example, cut them fresh and fry them. That will show him how much you care about him.
And most important, give him sex whenever and wherever he feels like it, and it would be a nice touch if you wakened him every morning by performing oral sex on him. That will show him how much you love and need him. If you work these simple duties into you routine, I’m certain we’ll have Frank around for many, many years.”
As they are driving home, Frank turns to Estelle. “Well, what does the doctor say?”
“He says you’re gonna die.”
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What causes arthritis?
A drunk man who smelled like beer Sat down on a subway next to a priest.The
man’s tie was stained, his face was Plastered with red lipstick, and a
Half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out Of his torn coat pocket. He opened his Newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to The priest and asked, ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’
The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s caused by Loose living, being with cheap, wicked Women, too much alcohol, contempt for Your fellow man, sleeping around with Prostitutes and lack of a bath.’
The drunk muttered in response,’Well, I’ll be damned, ‘Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had Said, nudged the man and apologized.
‘I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come On so strong. How long have you had Arthritis?’
The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it,Father. I was just reading here that The Pope does.’
The Micro-Surgeons conference
After the Micro-Surgeons conference in New York the leading surgeons were in the bar and, being drunk as skunks began to reminisce over their greatest feats.
The first, An English surgeon explained :
“We had a chap caught in a printing press at a factory last year and all that was left of him was his little finger. Our team of surgeons constructed a new hand and built a new arm, engineered a new body, and ultimately when he returned to the workforce he was so efficient that he put 5 men out of work.
“That’s nothing ” added the American surgeon,
“We had a worker trapped inside a nuclear reactor and all that was left of him was his hair. We constructed a new skull, a new torso and new limbs and returned him to the workforce : He is so efficient now he has put 50 men out of work.
The Irish surgeon not to be out done:
“I was walking down the street when I got the smell of a fart, so, I took it back to the hospital in a garbage bag, let it loose on the table and we got to work. First of all, we wrapped an asshole around it, built a bum around that, attached a body to one end and legs to the other. Gradually it turned into a guy called Charlie Haughey (Irish Prime Minister), and he put a whole fucking country out of work.
Quick Medical Jokes
Q: What does a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?
They can smell it but they can’t eat it!
Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives’ tails…
Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!
Q: What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste
URINE SAMPLE
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack said to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I had better see a doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replied. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars….heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor!”
So Jack collected a urine sample in a small jar and took it to the drugstore. When he deposited his ten dollars, the computer lit up and asked for the urine sample. He poured the sample into a funnel and waited.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer printed out the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs rings.
6. And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
The Vet
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog’s chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.” “What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven’t even done any tests! I want another opinion.” The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it’s head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”). The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he’s gone”). After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That’s outrageous!”
The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the
cat scan….”
Actual Medical Records
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
- Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
- I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly; She also appears to be depressed.
- Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
- The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Smith to dispose of him.
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- The patient refused an autopsy.
- The patient has no past history of suicides.
- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
- The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
- She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
- The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
- The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
- Skin: somewhat pale but present.
- Admitted in error.
- Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Jones, who felt that we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
- Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
- Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it…don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain….Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO …. Cocoa beans … another vegetable!!!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Have a cookie … flour is a veggie!
One more thing…”When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt.”
A man goes to the doctor and complains that no medicine helps with his migraines.
“When I have a migraine,” says the doctor,” I go home and soak in a hot bath. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand … especially around the forehead. Then I take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, we have sex. Almost immediately, the headache is gone. Try it and come back in six weeks,”
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
“It worked,” he exclaims. “I’ve had migraines for years, and no one, has ever helped me before,”
“Glad to help”, says the doctor.
“‘by the way,” the patient adds,
“You have a really nice house.”
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