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Archive for the ‘Office Jokes’ Category
Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,”Happy Birthday!”, and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn’t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that’s wives for you, the children will remember.The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!”. And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday…let’s go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!” We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable”Sure!” I excitedly replied.She went into the bedroom, and in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.And I just sat there on the couch naked.
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FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET
CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
NUMBER 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.
NUMBER 4: ‘This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.
NUMBER 3 : ‘Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!
NUMBER 2: Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?
Number 1 And MY all time Favorite: best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) ‘…in Jesus’ name, Amen
Quick Office Jokes
Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off you when you die.
Q: What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor
Q: Boss: Why aren’t you working?
A: Employee: I didn’t see you coming…
Q: What is it that a doctor wouldn’t do, a lawyer should do and a duck could do?
A: Shove his bill up his ass!
Witty Secretary
Mr. Choudhury got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, ‘Mr. Choudhury, your barracks door is open.’ He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, ‘By the way Miss Dobson, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?’
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, ‘Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.’
Unix Programmers
Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.
The first programmer finishes and walks over to the sink uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two, he says, “At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough.”
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel: He turns and says, “At Apple not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.”
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: “We Unix programmers don’t piss on our hands.”
Tickle Me Elmo
A woman desperately looking for job goes to a toy company. The personnel manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has no work to give her. The women answers that she really needs work and will take any kind of work. The personnel manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the “Tickle Me Elmo Line” The women happily accepts.
He then takes her down to the line and explains her duties and tells her to come in for 8:00 am the next day.
The next day at 8:45 am there’s a knock at the personnel managers door. The “Tickle Me Elmo” line manager comes in the office and starts ranting and raving about the new woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly the assembly line is backed up he suggests that the personnel manager go down to the line to see the problem.
Together they walk down to the assembly line and sure enough the Tickle Me Elmo’s were backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman who was just hired, she had pulled over a roll of the fabric used for the Elmo’s and a big bag of marbles. They both watched as she cut a little piece of fabric and took 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo’s legs.
The personnel manager starts to kill himself laughing and after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new hire and says: “I’m sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday, what I wanted you to do was give Elmo 2 test tickles.”
Three Engineers
Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, “It had to be a mechanical engineer-look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it had to be an electrical engineer — the nervous system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections.”
The third said, “Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?”
The Three Corporate Lessons
Lesson Number One:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit
like you and do nothing all day long?”
The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a forth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was then immediately spotted by a farmer and shot out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Lesson Number Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. Because it was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large
field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story:
1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Stress Management
Just in case you’ve had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called “the world.”
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you’re holding underwater.
Attorney vs. Physician
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said,” I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the attorney, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney’s shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”
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