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Archive for the ‘Politics Jokes’ Category
At Heathrow Airport
At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th-century coach, hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that’s ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, “M President, please accept my regrets….I’m sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.” George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, “Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought… You know, if you hadn’t said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses.”
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The accident
One day Tony Blair was out jogging-and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet Prime Minister out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, “Boys, you saved the Prime Minister of Britain today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I’ll give it to you.”
The first boy said, “Please, I’d like a ticket to Disneyland!” “I’ll personally hand it to you,” said Tony.
“I’d like a pair of Nike Air Turbos,” the second boy said. “I’ll buy them myself and give them to you,” said Blair.
“And I’d like a wheelchair with a stereo in it,” said the third boy.
“I’ll personally … wait a second, son, you’re not handicapped!”
“No-but I will be when my father finds out who I saved from drowning.”
I, George W. Bush
A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart. The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain.
The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue, the operation was planned.
The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man’s declining IQ on a nice bright LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off … 95, 94, 93, …
Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor’s wife. They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient.
When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down … 6, 5, 4, …
He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. “Holy moley!” exclaimed the doctor, “What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!”
The man looked at him and said, “I, George W. Bush, announce my candidacy for President of the United States…”
Pearly Gates
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. “You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”
Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for his credentials.
Picasso doesn’t hesitate. “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”
Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women; he captures their essence with but a few strokes of the chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!”
The last to arrive is George W. Bush.
Saint Peter scratches his head. “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
G. W. looks bewildered, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs, “Come on in, George.”
What Baghdad?
Saddam Hussein and George Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam’s chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, George carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks him in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he’s finally had enough, knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning well.
“I’m going back home!” he tells the Iraqi. “We’ll finish these talks in two weeks!”
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on George’s chair and prepares himself for the Yank’s revenge.
They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. George falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
“Forget this,” says Saddam. “I’m going back to Baghdad!” George says through tears of laughter, “What Baghdad?”
Tony’s clock
Cherie Blaire died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.
“Oh,” said Cherie, “who’s clock is that?
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Who’s clock is that?”
“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s Tony’s clock?” Cherie asked.
“Tony’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
In the middle of Africa
Tony Blair goes on an official state visit to a small country in the middle of Africa.
At the airport he is met by this country’s Minister of Harbours. All of a sudden Tony realizes that this is absurd, this country has no harbours as it is landlocked! He is very puzzled and decides to find out what the story is.
At the official state banquet later that evening, he leans over to the President and asks, “Mr.President, why do you have a Minister of Harbours when you don’t have any harbours?”
The President looks Blair straight in the eye and says, “Well you know that may be true Prime Minister, but I was just as puzzled as to why you have a Minister of Health?”
No more Bush
At a White House press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she is going onto the Presidential Campaign Trail with her husband, Vice President Al Gore.
“To prepare myself,” she said, “I have shaved off all my pubic hair. From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with the Vice President, and will have my legs apart without wearing any panties.”
“What is the message?” gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement.
“Read my lips: No more Bush.”
“Tragedy”
Tony Blair is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”. So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a “tragedy”.
One little boy stands up and offers: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor comes along and knocks him down dead, that would be a tragedy.”
No, says Tony, that would be an accident.
A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
I’m afraid not explains Tony. That’s what we would call a great loss.
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Blair searches the room.
Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy??.
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If an Air Force jet, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Blair was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
Fantastic, exclaims Tony that’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy??.
“Well” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and certainly wouldn’t be a great loss.”
12 votes
Saddam Hussein, the Pope and Bush are the sole survivors of a plane crashing into the sea.
There is only one life jacket and they argue over who should get it.
Bush: “I should get the jacket because I am the leader of the most powerful nation in the world”
Pope: “I think I should get it because I am the leader of the Catholic Church.”
Saddam Hussein: “Lets vote on it” Saddam won buy 12 votes.
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