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Archive for the ‘Politics Jokes’ Category
Two terrorists
Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.
“Yeah, this is my oldest. He’s a martyr.”
“Here’s my second son. He’s a martyr, too.” There’s a pause…
The second terrorist says, wistfully…
“Ah, they blow up so fast, don’t they?”
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A visit to Brazil
President Bush is flying back to the USA from a visit to Brazil. As Airforce 1 crosses over the Alabama coastline he looks down and sees 2 white guys in a speedboat towing a black guy. He instructs the pilot to descend to 100 feet and switch on the loudhailer system.
“Howdy guys, this is your president George W. I just wanted to say how much it gladdens my heart to see such a fine example of racial integration in Alabama. You all have a nice day now”
And Airforce 1 climbs back up to its cruising altitude of 30,000 feet.
One of the white guys in the boat turns to the other and says.
“You know, he may be a great president but he sure as hell knows fuck all about shark fishing”
What is politics?
This little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism.
Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about”.
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”
Horse country!
A man walked into a country bar and ordered a beer just as Tony Blair appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, “Now, there’s the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen.” A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Cherie Blair appeared on the television. “She’s a horse’s ass too,” the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. “Damn it!” the man said, climbing back up to the bar. “This must be Blair country!” “Nope,” the bartender replied. “Horse country!”
Father Son Chat
DAD – Son, come in here, we need to talk.
SON – What’s up, Dad?
DAD – There’s a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
SON – I don’t believe; if I understand the definition of “scratch the car”; that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
DAD – Well, it wasn’t there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
SON – Well, as I’ve said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
DAD – But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I’ll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
SON – Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did “I” scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
DAD – Are you trying to tell me you didn’t drive the car into the mailbox?
SON – Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
DAD – So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
SON – No sir, that’s not my statement. I’ll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.
DAD – But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
SON – Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
DAD – So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
SON – No. No, that’s not correct. Your question was “Did I scratch the car?” From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car… the mailbox did… I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of “No” when you asked “Did I scratch the car” was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
DAD – Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?
SON – From The President of the United States.
Makes sense to me
Applies to retirement programs and healthcare also. I would work to make this happen… When the people fear their government there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty. Thomas Jefferson Amendment 28 Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators or Representatives, and Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators or Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the United States .Let’s get this passed around, folks – these people have brought this upon themselves!!!
Washington monument
President Bush went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said, “George, what should I do?”
After a few seconds George replied, “Abolish the IRS and start over.”
President Bush thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said “Tom, what should I do?”
After a few seconds Tom replied, “Abolish welfare and start over.”
President Bush continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, “Abe, what should I do?”
After a few seconds Abe replied “Why don’t you take the night off and go to the theater?”
Thanksgiving
After the surprise visit to the troops in Iraq at Thanksgiving, George Dubya Bush was on his way home. The pilot of Air Force One changed the course, due to inclement weather, and they flew several thousand miles south of their normal course. After awhile, the storms let up, and the pilot informed Dubya that, since they’d flown so far off their normal course, Air Force One was running low on fuel. They would be landing at Moody Air Force Base in Georgia to refuel, which would take about an hour. Dubya decided to visit the men at the base, figuring it was only fair, since he’d visited the troops in Iraq. While visiting with the men, he suddenly felt a call from Nature. He went to the nearest facilities to relieve himself, and found himself standing at a urinal right next to a large black sergeant.
Dubya looked over and observed that the black guy next to him had the stereotypical huge unit. So he asked him why black guys have such big dicks. The black guy says, “Well, it’s like this, Mr. President. It’s because of the way we fuck. We jam it in quick, but then pull it out slowly. Then we jam it in quick again, and pull it out slowly. We keep doing it that way, which stretches it just a bit each time, and after a while, it gets this big.”
So Dubya decided to try this. After returning to the White House, he followed this technique whenever he allowed Laura the privilege of servicing him. He checked his length every day, but observed no increase. Finally, on Christmas Eve, he asked Laura if she has noticed anything different.
“Yes, for the past three weeks or so you’ve been fucking like a nigger!”
Like a nigger
After the surprise visit to the troops in Iraq at Thanksgiving, George Dubya Bush was on his way home. The pilot of Air Force One changed the course, due to inclement weather, and they flew several thousand miles south of their normal course. After awhile, the storms let up, and the pilot informed Dubya that, since they’d flown so far off their normal course, Air Force One was running low on fuel. They would be landing at Moody Air Force Base in Georgia to refuel, which would take about an hour. Dubya decided to visit the men at the base, figuring it was only fair, since he’d visited the troops in Iraq. While visiting with the men, he suddenly felt a call from Nature. He went to the nearest facilities to relieve himself, and found himself standing at a urinal right next to a large black sergeant.
Dubya looked over and observed that the black guy next to him had the stereotypical huge unit. So he asked him why black guys have such big dicks. The black guy says, “Well, it’s like this, Mr. President. It’s because of the way we fuck. We jam it in quick, but then pull it out slowly. Then we jam it in quick again, and pull it out slowly. We keep doing it that way, which stretches it just a bit each time, and after a while, it gets this big.”
So Dubya decided to try this. After returning to the White House, he followed this technique whenever he allowed Laura the privilege of servicing him. He checked his length every day, but observed no increase. Finally, on Christmas Eve, he asked Laura if she has noticed anything different.
“Yes, for the past three weeks or so you’ve been fucking like a nigger!”
Night watchman
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.”
So they laid off the night watchman.
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