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Archive for the ‘Quick Jokes’ Category
Things to ponder…
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
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How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment.”
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What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
“Dam”.
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What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
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What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.
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What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.
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What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
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What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
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What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
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What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
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What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
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What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
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Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
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Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
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Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They’re trying to get away from the noise.
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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
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What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
Things to ponder III
Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.
Q: What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q: Moms have Mothers Day, fathers have Fathers Day. What do Single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday
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Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas, and a Hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer house.
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Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A: Because if it had four doors it’s be a chicken sedan.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They’re hiring.
What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO”!
EVER WONDER?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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Quick Religion Jokes
Q: What do priests and christmas trees have in common?
A: they both have balls but they are just for decoration
Q: What type of meat do priests eat on Good Friday?
A: Nun
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, “Yo”
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex
Q: What do you get when you come across Exlax and holy water?
A: a religious movement
Quick War Jokes
Q: Why aren’t there any Walmarts in Iraq?
A: Because there’s a target on every corner
Q: How can you tell a French soldier?
A: Their arm pits are sun burnt
Q: What’s tragic about a Cadillac going off of a bridge with four terrorists inside?
A: A Cadillac seats 7
Quick Sex Jokes
Q: How can you tell when a man’s had an orgasm?
A: From the snoring
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A: Donuts
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any
Q: What do you call a Virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float
Q: Why did God give women belly buttons?
A: So men can have somewhere to stash their gum on the way down.
Q: I’ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman…
A: But I’ve woken up with plenty of them!
Q: If there were four potatoes in the room, which one would be the prostitute?
A: The one that’s labeled “IDAHO”
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q: Why does a man have a hole in his penis?
A: To get some air to his brain.
Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: 100 people who don’t do dick.
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex.
Q: What three two-letter words denote “small”?
A: “Is it in?”
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How do you recycle a rubber?
A: You turn it upside down and shake the fuck out of it
Q: Why did the rubber go flying across the room?
A: Because it got pissed off
Q: What’s long, hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine
Q: What is the worst thing about being a dick?
A: Your closest neighbor is an asshole
A: You’re always being followed by a couple of nuts
A: Every time you get any attention, you puke
A: You only have one eye and you’re always getting jerked around
Q: Why do men name their penis’s?
A: Because they don’t want a stranger making all their decisions for them
Q: What do you call 500 heavily armed lesbians?
A: Militia Etheridge
Q: How do you know you ate great pussy?
A: When you wake up in the morning and your face looks like a glaced donut
Quick Politics Jokes
Q: What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky’s mouth?
A: One US leader
Q: Why did Al Gore get a nipple ring?
A: He heard that George Bush got a Dick Cheney!
Q. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
A. Because Janet Reno is her real father
Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: 100 people who don’t do dick.
Quick Office Jokes
Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off you when you die.
Q: What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor
Q: Boss: Why aren’t you working?
A: Employee: I didn’t see you coming…
Q: What is it that a doctor wouldn’t do, a lawyer should do and a duck could do?
A: Shove his bill up his ass!
Quick Medical Jokes
Q: What does a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?
They can smell it but they can’t eat it!
Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives’ tails…
Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!
Q: What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste
Quick Love Jokes
Q: What do you tell a girl with two black eyes?
A: Nothing. You already told her twice!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag
Quick Holiday Jokes
THANKSGIVING
You: I heard it was your Birthday next Thursday.
Them: No
You: Well someone told me it was Turkey day
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CHRISTMAS
What did the little black kid get for Christmas?
…My bike
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