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Archive for the ‘Religion Jokes’ Category
Male or female?
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, “Is God male or female?”
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, “Well, honey, God is both male and female.”
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, “Is God black or white?”
“Well, God is both black and white.”
This further confuses him so he asks, “Is God gay or straight?” At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, “Honey, God is both gay and straight.”
At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, “Mom, is God … Michael Jackson?”
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Are you Katlick?
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday School.
So, they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?” “Sure,” said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, “Now go out and play.”
When they go out side, dripping wet, one of them asked, “What religion do you think we are?” The oldest one said, “We’re not Katlick, because they pour the water on your head.” We’re not Babtis because they dunk all of you in it. We’re not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you.” The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water?” “Yeah! What do you think that means?” “I think it means that we’re Pisscopalians”.
Are you Katlick?
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday School.
So, they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?” “Sure,” said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, “Now go out and play.”
When they go out side, dripping wet, one of them asked, “What religion do you think we are?” The oldest one said, “We’re not Katlick, because they pour the water on your head.” We’re not Babtis because they dunk all of you in it. We’re not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you.” The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water?” “Yeah! What do you think that means?” “I think it means that we’re Pisscopalians”.
Clocks in heaven
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,”What are all those clocks?”St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”,”That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.” “Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”Where’s Bush’s clock?” asked the man.”Bush’s clock is in Jesus’ office.He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
Father, I’ve Fallen
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said,”If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen.”This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.The priest said, “You have to do something about the sidewalks in town.When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having ‘fallen.’”The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week.”
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
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THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq … Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.
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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this –you cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians …. it creates a hostile work environment.
Who was Jesus?
Three arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.
Three arguments that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother didn’t know who his father was.
Three arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
Three arguments that Jesus was black:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.
Three arguments that Jesus was Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
Finally, the proof that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his father’s business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done it.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take “a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,”Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy’s.
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are “the seven dwarfs” they get ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. “Dopey my son” says the Pope “what can I do for
you?
“Dopey says, “Excuse me Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?
“the Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
moment and answers, “No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome. ” in the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?
“The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers “No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in of Europe.” This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns in
The whole world?”
“I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting, “Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!”
Ocean Cruise
Three friends, two straight guys and a gay guy, and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned. They each had to come before St. Peter to be admitted into heaven.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. “I can’t let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”
Then came the second straight guy. “Sorry, can’t let you in, either,” said St. Peter. “You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, “It doesn’t look good, Dick.”
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