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Archive for the ‘Religion Jokes’ Category
Nuns In Heaven
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun, “Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
The nun giggles and slyly replies, “Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”
St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.”
St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, “Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
The nun is a little reluctant but replies “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”
St. Peter says “OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.”
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says “Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!”
The nun replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
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Jewish Genie
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic Rabbi, complete with the black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.
“Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works, you have three wishes.” I am not going to trust you,” says the Arab. “I am not going to trust a Jewish genie!”
What do you have to lose? It looks like you are a goner anyway!”
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, kid, what’s your second wish?” “My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“OK, kid, you have one more wish.” “Better make it a good one!” After thinking a few minutes, the Arab says: “I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women.”
***POOF***
The Arab is turned into a Tampax.
The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie there’s always a string attached.
Jesse Jackson – Tragedy
Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes.
They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a “tragedy”.
One little boy stands up and offers: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” says the Great Jesse Jackson,” that would be an accident.”
A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted spiritual leader. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Rev. Jackson searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If a jet carrying the Rev. & Mrs Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaims Jackson, “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy, “because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
Heaven or Hell – You choose . . .
One day, while walking down the street, a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and killed. Her soul arrived up in Heaven, where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in, though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an executive make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.
“No problem – just let me in,” said the woman.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”
“Actually, I think I’ve made up mind…. I prefer to stay in Heaven,” said the woman.
“Sorry, we have rules,” said St. Peter, and with that, he put the executive in an elevator and it went down to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club, and standing in front of her were all of her friends – fellow executives with whom she had worked. They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf, and that night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy (and kinda cute). She had a great time telling jokes and dancing. In fact, she was having such a good time, that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up and opened back at the Pearly Gates, where she found St. Peter waiting for her.
“Now it’s time to spend a day in Heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time, and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up. St. Peter came and got her.
So, you’ve spent a day in Hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.
The woman paused for a second, and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”
‘
St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened, she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. “I don’t understand,” stammered the woman. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and danced and had a great time. Now all there is here is a wasteland of garbage and all of my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you’re staff.”
~~~~~Forrest In Heaven~~~~~
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”
Forrest responds, “It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”
St. Peter goes on, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are! there in a year?
Third: What is God’s first name?”
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest says, “Well, the first one — which two days in the week,begin with the letter “T”? Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.”
The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but ….. you do have a point, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?” asks St.Peter. “How many seconds in a year?”
“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”
Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”
Forest says “Shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . .” “Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind….. but I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let’s go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name”? “Sure” Forrest replied, “its Andy.”
“Andy?!” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”
“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song. . . .
“ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS! WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: “Run Forrest, run”
Father, I’ve Fallen
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!”
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen.”
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, “You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having ‘fallen.’”
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week.”
Ducks in Heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven…don’t step on the ducks.”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
The Devil’s Visit
Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large “BOOM”. When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail.
Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling each other in their rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging comfortably in his pew.
“Do you not know who I am?”, Satan thundered.
The man’s reply was nonchalant, “Sure I do.”
Satan was puzzled. “Do you not fear me?”
“Nope.”
“Why not?”
The man snorted, “What for? I’ve been married to your sister for 35 years!”
C H U R C H B U L L E T I N B L O O P E R S
“The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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“Ladies Bible Study will be held Thrusday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.”
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“The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.”
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“Low Self Esteem Support Group” will meet Thurs. at 7 pm …….Please use the back door.”
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“The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, ‘Break Forth Into Joy’ “.
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” A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wed.”
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“Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.”
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“The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.”
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“Thursday night Potluck Supper……Prayer and Medications to follow.”
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“The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.”
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“Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.”
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“At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.”
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“Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.”
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“Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.”
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“Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their 1st Child.”
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“The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6 PM . Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.”
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“The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.”‘
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“Our next song is ‘Angels We Have Heard Get High.”
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“Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.”
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“For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”
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“This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.”
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“The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.”
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“Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.”
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“The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.”
Adam and Eve Organs
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news”, God said.
Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first.”
Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.”
Then, God came to Eve to pass on some news too. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” God said.
Eve looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first.”
Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Adam. The other organ I have for you is called a vagina. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Adam will be very happy that you now have this organ to give him children.”
Eve, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”
God looked upon Eve and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time. While you’re bleeding through one of them every 28 days, the other will remain useless.”
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