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Archive for the ‘School Jokes’ Category
Bill Gates High School Speech
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will Not make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teaches is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it “opportunity”.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parent’s fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now.They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life Has Not.In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as Many Times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to Anything in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you Find Yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is Not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.
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The Dirty Professor
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:
“Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?”
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
“Wait, ladies,” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
Student of History
It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death?” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
“Patrick Henry, 1775.” He said.
“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’”? Again, no response except from Suzuki:
“Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Suzuki
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Japs.”
“Who said that?” she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”
Again, Suzuki says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,”Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble! ….and Suzuki said, “The Taliban! 2001.”
The word cat
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can’t.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I bet you can’t resist passing it on!!
I like the way you think
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question..
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?”
“None.”, replied Johnny. “’cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher. “But I like the way you are thinking.”
Little Johnny said, “I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone?”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking..”
Interesting Anagrams
An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.(rearranged with
no letters left over and using each letter only once)
George Bush:
When you rearrange the letters:
He bugs Gore
Dormitory:
When you rearrange the letters:
Dirty Room
Evangelist:
When you rearrange the letters:
Evil’s Agent
Desperation:
When you rearrange the letters:
A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code:
When you rearrange the letters:
Here Come Dots
Slot Machines:
When you rearrange the letters:
Cash Lost in ‘em
Animosity:
When you rearrange the letters:
Is No Amity
Mother-in-law:
When you rearrange the letters:
Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms:
When you rearrange the letters:
Alas! No More Z’s
A Decimal Point:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’m a Dot in Place
Eleven plus two:
When you rearrange the letters:
Twelve plus one
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
When you rearrange the letters:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Flat Tire
A weekend before their biology final, a few college buddies went on a camping trip.
They had a great time, but they wound up being a few hours late for their exam. So, they all tell their professor that they had a flat so they could take a make-up test.
The guys studied all night for the test; in the morning, the professor separates them and hands them each a test booklet.
The first question is worth 5 points, and they all have no problem answering it.
The second question, for 95 points is: Which tire was flat?
Rules of Life
To anyone teaching or raising kids, of any age, here’s some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not learn in school.
He talked about how feel-good, politically correct teaching has created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
RULE 1
- Life is not fair – get used to it.
RULE 2
- The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3
- You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. you won’t be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4
- If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure.
RULE 5
- Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping – they called it opportunity.
RULE 6
- If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7
- Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
RULE 8
- Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9
- Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE 10
- Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs!
RULE 11
- Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.
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