Web Joker RSS Feeds
Subscribe to The Web Joker RSS Feed!
Archive for the ‘Sex Jokes’ Category
The Young Bride
Keeps going and going and going and…
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Morris. Again he is ready for more “action.”
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but you guessed it-Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old ready for more “action.”
And once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris set to leave again, his young bride says to him: “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris”
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: “You mean I was here already?”
(0 Comments)
We Are Moving!
Frank and Virginia, an old couple now in their early 80’s had been happily married for over 50 years.
With their sex life going a little downhill, they decided Viagra would be a good decision for them so Frank went to see the doctor and got a prescription.
Five years Frank took care of Virginia like she was a 17 year old, pleasuring her over and over again with his now almost-permanent erection. Virginia couldn’t get enough, asking for it 10 times a day, but one night Frank’s heart couldn’t take it anymore, he fell to the floor dead, leaving poor virginia unsatisfied.
Wait a minute! she thought, she ran to the kitchen, grabbed a knive, rolled Frank on his side and CHOP! she cut his pecker clean off and put it in a box in the freezer to keep it hard.
A few days after the funeral, Virginia comes home once again feeling a little warm and bothered so she decides to take it out of the box and have a little fun with it. She saws a suction cup to the base, goes to the bedroom, sticks it to the wall and just has her way pounding against it as hard as she can.
Leroy, the gardener, hears the pounding on the wall and decides to take a peek; getting wise to the idea, the next night he drills a little hole in the wall, removes that frozen thing and sticks his nine inches of manhood through the hole.
Virginia gets home hot and bothered once again; leaving a trail of clothes down the hall she decides to relieve some tension, giving Leroy the best hour and a half of his life!
This goes on for quite a while, with Leroy and the ‘unaware’ widow enjoying every evening to the max…
One night Virginia gets home and doesn’t go directly to the bedroom as she usually did; Leroy figured she was freshening up but instead she goes straight for the kitchen, grabs a large, very sharp knive, walks into the bedroom, grabs a hold of the snake in the wall and screams:
Leroy……. we are moving!
CHOP!!!
Viagra Coffee
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
“Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
“How did it go?” the doctor asked.
“Terribly, doctor, terribly.”
“Did it not work?”
“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”
“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”
Turner Brown
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him.
The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown”
The small white guy faints!
The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. “What’s wrong?”
The small white guy says, “Excuse me but what did you say?” The big dude looks down and says “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank god, I thought you said “turn around.’”
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand between her legs. “Put your finger in me…” she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. “Put two fingers in…”, she says. So in goes another one. She’s really starting to get worked up when she says, “Put your whole hand in!”. The guy’s like, “Ok!”. So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of me!!!”. So the guy puts both of his hands in! “Now clap your hands…” commands the girl. “I can’t”, says the guy. The girl looks at him and says “See, I told you I had a tight pussy!
The Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh…she got fired too.”
The Alligator
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I will open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”.
Tarzan & Jane
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and, while questioning him about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
“What sex? ” he asked.
She explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said “Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong!
I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothes,laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. “Here” she said, “you can put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave Jane a kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,”What the hell did you do that for? ”
“Tarzan not stupid – check for bees.”
Stroke
Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.
Soft & Hard
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 649.”
Joker Comments