Link Web Services
Web Joker RSS Feeds
Subscribe to The Web Joker RSS Feed!
Archive for the ‘Sex Jokes’ Category
A blowjob
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”
Little Johnny waves his hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!”
Miss Rogers says, “All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?”
Little Johnny says, “Mas-tur-bate.”
Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”
Little Johnny says, “Oh, No, Miss Rogers! You’re thinking of a blowjob.”
(0 Comments)
Sex dog
Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie and he’s excited. He’s especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos. After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can’t wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it.
A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding out.
The movie starts and it’s the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever … group sex, S&M, golden showers … and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice and most of the men.
Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, “I’m only here for the music.”
The woman turns to Jerry and whispers, “We’re only here to see our dog.”
Silver ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum”
Three times a night
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Lulu said, “Sean, if Ah’m no bein too forward, Ah’d love tae have sex wi an aulder man. Let’s go back tae mah place.” So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand.”
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay.” He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, “Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, you must hold my bawls in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand.” Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks “Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer bawls in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye’re sleepin?” Sean replies, “No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet!”
A waterbed
Ralph went to a bar and ordered a drink. After a few minutes, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon he invited her back to his place. When they got to the bedroom, the blonde exclaimed “Wow! A waterbed,
I’ve never had sex on a waterbed before.”
Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde stopped him and said, “Before we go any further, don’t you think we should put on some protection?”
“Good idea,” Ralph responded.
The blonde jumped up walked out of the room, and when she came back, she was wearing a life jacket.
Some Fun Sex Theories
1. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
2. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
3. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.
4. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.
5. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
6. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
7. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
8. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
9. Love your neighbour, but don’t get caught.
10.Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
11. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
12. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
13. Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.
14. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
15. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
16. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
17. Never say no.
18. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
19. Love comes in spurts.
20. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
21. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
22 Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.
23. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
24. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
25. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
26. Virginity can be cured.
27. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
One hot, summer afternoon in Alabama
One hot, summer afternoon in Alabama, Ma and Pa are sitting on the porch swing, rocking to and fro.
Then Pa turns to Ma and says, “Screw you, Ma.”
A minute passes by when Ma says to Pa, “Screw you, Pa.”
Another minute passes by and Pa says to Ma, “Screw you, Ma.”
Again another minute passes by and Ma says to Pa, “Screw you, Pa.”
After a couple of minutes pass by, Pa says to Ma, “You know something, Ma. I don’t know what the fuss is all about but I just don’t get too much from this oral sex thing.”
Sort of cake
A man is watching the football on TV when his wife turns to him and says: “Honey can you fix the light in the hallway it keeps flickering”
“Fix the light, now, do I look as though I have London Electricity written across my forehead? I don’t think so” the husband replies.
“Well could you fix the fridge door please it doesn’t close properly” she adds.
“The fridge door, now! Do I look as though I have Hotpoint written across my forehead, I don’t think so” he replies again.
“Well could you at least fix the steps to the house, they are nearly breaking and dangerous” she say despairingly.
What? The steps? For God’s sake can you see B&Q across my forehead, No,I don’t think so – I’ve had enough of this I’m going to the pub”
So off he goes and drinks until closing time. When he returns home he notices that the steps to house have been fixed. On entering the house the hall light is no longer flickering and on grabbing a beer from the fridge he is pleased to see the door closes properly. Somewhat pleased with this “disappearing to the pub tactic” he asked his wife how come everything is fixed.
She replies: Well you see when you left I sat on the front porch crying, when suddenly this handsome young man asked why I was so upset. I told him and he said that he would happily fix everything if I would either bake him a cake or have sex with him”
“So” the husband enquires “what sort of cake did you bake him?”
“HELLO!!!” she replies, do I have Mr Kipling written on my forehead. No, I don’t think so.
Doggie style
Two buddies were sharing drinks, while discussing their wives.
“Does your wife ever do it doggie style?” asked the one.
“Well, no, not exactly. She’s more into the ‘trick dog’ aspect of it,” his buddy replied.
“Oh, I see! Man! Kinky, huh!?”
“Well, no, not at all. You see, it’s like this… I sit up ‘n’ beg, then she rolls over and ‘plays dead’.”
Tenia que se rubia…
Un ventrílocuo comienza su función y le hace “decir” a su muñeco una catarata de chistes sobre rubias. De pronto, una joven, bella y rubia mujer se levanta en la platea y grita:
-¡Basta, imbécil: estoy harta de escuchar idioteces! ¿Con qué derecho nos ofende así a las rubias? ¿Qué tendrá que ver el color del pelo con la inteligencia, con la personalidad, con el alma de una persona? ¡Por culpa de idiotas como usted, hay mujeres como yo que no son respetadas en la vida ni en sus trabajos! ¡Es usted un retrasado patético, y lo que hace no es solamente contrario a la ley sobre la discriminación, sino también muy ofensivo para toda persona sensible! ¡Vergüenza debería darle,patán!
El ventrílocuo, muy avergonzado, comienza a ensayar una balbuceante disculpa, pero la rubia lo interrumpe:
-¡Usted no se meta! ¡Estoy hablando con el enano de mierda que está sentado en sus rodillas!
Joker Comments