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Archive for the ‘Sex Jokes’ Category
Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew
1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up, put it down.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived. 17. Sunday = Sports.
18. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap-opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done not both.
23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
24. You have enough
25. Nothing says “I love you” like sex.
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Campo de nudistas
Un tipo mayor se hace miembro de un campo de nudistas muy exclusivo por simple curiosidad, en busca de nuevas emociones. Como era su primer día, se quitó la ropa como todo el mundo y fue a dar vueltas por el predio.Una linda rubia apareció por ahí y él inmediatamente tuvo una erección. La chica notó su erección e inmediatamente se le acercó sensual: “¿Me ha llamado, señor?” “¿Yo? No, ¿por qué?” “Usted debe ser nuevo; le voy a explicar. Aquí tenemos una regla: si le provoco una erección, quiere decir que usted me ha llamado, que usted me desea”. Sonriente, la chica lo lleva a un jardín y se acuesta en una toalla; tira fuertemente hacia ella de la mano del hombre y se deja poseer de todas las formas posibles. El fulano, loco de contento, sigue explorando las delicias de aquel campo.Entra al sauna, se sienta e involuntariamente se le escapa un pedo.Sonriente, de inmediato se le acerca un tipo enorme, peludo y con una erección del tamaño de un bate de béisbol: “¿Me ha llamado, señor?” “¡¿Yo?! No, ¿por qué?” “Usted debe ser nuevo aquí. Le voy a explicar: tenemos una regla que dice que si te tiras un pedo, significa que me ha llamado, que usted me desea. Dicho esto, el gigantón voltea a nuestro personaje sobre el piso y lo posee de una manera bestial. Luego se marcha. El novicio con mucha dificultad se dirige como puede a la oficina del club. Una recepcionista desnuda lo saluda muy sonriente: “¿Puedo ayudarlo, señor?” “Le devuelvo su llave y su tarjeta. Puede quedarse con los 500 dólares de cuota inicial”.”¡Pero, señor, usted tan sólo ha estado aquí un par de horas y solamente ha visto un par de nuestras facilidades”" “Escúchame una cosa, nena, yo soy un hombre de 58 años. A duras penas tengo una erección al mes, pero me tiro como 15 pedos al día… No jodan … no me conviene, gracias…!!!
Three times a night
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Lulu said, “Sean, if Ah’m no bein too forward, Ah’d love tae have sex wi an aulder man. Let’s go back tae mah place.” So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand.”
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay.” He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, “Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, you must hold my bawls in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand.” Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks “Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer bawls in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye’re sleepin?” Sean replies, “No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet!”
The Young Bride
Keeps going and going and going and…
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Morris. Again he is ready for more “action.”
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but you guessed it-Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old ready for more “action.”
And once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris set to leave again, his young bride says to him: “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris”
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: “You mean I was here already?”
We Are Moving!
Frank and Virginia, an old couple now in their early 80′s had been happily married for over 50 years.
With their sex life going a little downhill, they decided Viagra would be a good decision for them so Frank went to see the doctor and got a prescription.
Five years Frank took care of Virginia like she was a 17 year old, pleasuring her over and over again with his now almost-permanent erection. Virginia couldn’t get enough, asking for it 10 times a day, but one night Frank’s heart couldn’t take it anymore, he fell to the floor dead, leaving poor virginia unsatisfied.
Wait a minute! she thought, she ran to the kitchen, grabbed a knive, rolled Frank on his side and CHOP! she cut his pecker clean off and put it in a box in the freezer to keep it hard.
A few days after the funeral, Virginia comes home once again feeling a little warm and bothered so she decides to take it out of the box and have a little fun with it. She saws a suction cup to the base, goes to the bedroom, sticks it to the wall and just has her way pounding against it as hard as she can.
Leroy, the gardener, hears the pounding on the wall and decides to take a peek; getting wise to the idea, the next night he drills a little hole in the wall, removes that frozen thing and sticks his nine inches of manhood through the hole.
Virginia gets home hot and bothered once again; leaving a trail of clothes down the hall she decides to relieve some tension, giving Leroy the best hour and a half of his life!
This goes on for quite a while, with Leroy and the ‘unaware’ widow enjoying every evening to the max…
One night Virginia gets home and doesn’t go directly to the bedroom as she usually did; Leroy figured she was freshening up but instead she goes straight for the kitchen, grabs a large, very sharp knive, walks into the bedroom, grabs a hold of the snake in the wall and screams:
Leroy……. we are moving!
CHOP!!!
Viagra Coffee
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
“Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
“How did it go?” the doctor asked.
“Terribly, doctor, terribly.”
“Did it not work?”
“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”
“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”
Turner Brown
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him.
The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown”
The small white guy faints!
The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. “What’s wrong?”
The small white guy says, “Excuse me but what did you say?” The big dude looks down and says “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank god, I thought you said “turn around.’”
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand between her legs. “Put your finger in me…” she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. “Put two fingers in…”, she says. So in goes another one. She’s really starting to get worked up when she says, “Put your whole hand in!”. The guy’s like, “Ok!”. So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of me!!!”. So the guy puts both of his hands in! “Now clap your hands…” commands the girl. “I can’t”, says the guy. The girl looks at him and says “See, I told you I had a tight pussy!
The Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh…she got fired too.”
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