Link Web Services
Web Joker RSS Feeds
Subscribe to The Web Joker RSS Feed!
Archive for the ‘Technology Jokes’ Category
Inventions
There is a famous saying which states that “necessity is the mother of invention”, however the inventions on this list seem far from necessary:
1. Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you’re fifty?
2. Coloured Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn’t make your mouth stand out enough.
3. Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let’s give kids another reason to eat them.
4. Juicers: Carrot-peach-avocado-rutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.
5. Coloured Contact Lenses: Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye colour.
6. Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn’t be able to braid your eyelashes.
7. The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
8. Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.
9. Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats: Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out.
10. Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.
11. Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
(0 Comments)
The Latest System
Today I saw a computer that was absolutely amazing!
It could actually write letters and send data directly from the keyboard to printer without the need for a mouse, any memory, a hard disk drive or color monitor…
They called it a typewriter!
Chain Letters
THANKS FOR THE CHAIN LETTERS AND OTHER “INFORMATIONAL” EMAILS IN 2003:
- I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it’s good for removing toilet stains.
- I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
- I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
- I don’t leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
- I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
- I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they contain may turn me gay.
- I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
- I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
- I think I’m turning gay because when I go to parties, I don’t look at any girl no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
- I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny that girl, she’s been 7 since 1993…
- I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.
- My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.
- But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on you today at 7pm.
Have a great day!!!!!
The Funniest Chain Email Letter I ever Received
posted by The_Web_Joker @ 10:14 PM
Saturday, January 9, 2010
This is by Dennis Leary and it’s the best chain letter I have ever read!!!!!
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off
to the traveling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send “his” email to $1000? How stupid are you?
Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit.
So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
Fuck them.
If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your
closest friends, and an amazing wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times.
I don’t fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it’s your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
—————– Chain Letter Type 1: ———————
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >(scroll down)
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >Make a wish!!!
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >No, really, go on and make one!!!
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >Oh please, they’ll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!!
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >Is your finger getting tired yet?
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >STOP!!!!
Wasn’t that fun? 
Hope you made a great wish
Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It’s true! Because, THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here’s how it goes:
Send this to 1 person:
One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people:
2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 5-10 people:
5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
Send this to 10-20 people:
10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will firebomb your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
——————————-Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Orphan from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit.
So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder – if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
Thanks again!!
——————————–Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works:
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way) They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.
This Could Happen To You Too!!!
Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
——————————–Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
Friends
A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you’ve been eating catfood,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re as ugly as a hat full of assholes,
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you’ve soiled yourself,
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad chimpanzees, then thrown to vicious dogs,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn’t speak much English… * no, sorry that’s the cleaning lady,
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll never have sex ever again.
——————————————————
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on.
Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who’s been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you’ll end up like Miranda. Right?
Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you’ll have to look at me naked!
Remember: “There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.”
Joker Comments