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Archive for the ‘Text Jokes’ Category
1. So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it’s really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat. Sorry!
3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don’t fret about it… She moved in with me.
4. Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder? What the hell was I thinking?
5. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
6. How could two people as beautiful as you… Have such an ugly baby?
7. I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you … I’ve changed my mind.
8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life… I never believed in Hell till I met you.
9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am… That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
10. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go … would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.
11. Someday I hope to get married …but not to you.
12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age… Almost Lifelike!
13. When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.
14. We have been friends for a very long time… what say we stop?
15. I’m so miserable without you …it’s almost like you’re here.
16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we’re having you put to sleep.
18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)
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Ball sizes
After a two-year long study, The National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate America’s recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Kids say the darndest things
DEAR ANN LANDERS:
I loved the letters you printed about misinterpreting the Lord’s Prayer. When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, “Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses.” My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart.
From San Francisco: When I was a child, I learned this prayer as “Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name.” I always thought that was God’s real name.
Groton, Mass. My mother spent her early childhood saying, “Hail Mary, full of grapes.”
Missoula, Mont. My son, who is in nursery school, said, “Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?”
Uniontown, Ohio I remember thinking this prayer was “Give us this day our jelly bread.”
Covina, Calif. I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began,
“I led the pigeons to the flag.”
Cleveland, Ohio When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: “I pledge allegiance to the flag . .. . and to the republic for Richard Stands.”
Schenectady, N.Y. I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was “Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear.”
Tampa, Fla. When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was “He suffered under a bunch of violets.” The real words were “under Pontius Pilate,” but at that age, he didn’t know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.
Lake Forest Park, Wash. When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was “And the rains came down, and the floods came up.” We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, “And the rains came down, and the spuds came up.”
Oak Harbor, Wash. When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, “What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?” Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn’t say, “Be quiet until you get to your seat.”
Grand Junction, Colo. When I was younger, I believed the line was “Lead a snot into temptation.”
I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble
KEEP SMILING!!!
Definitely
A Nursery school teacher says to her class…”Who can use the word “definitely” in a sentence?”
First little girl says, “The sky is definitely blue.”
Teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange…”
Second little boy…”Trees are definitely green.” “Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown…”
Little Abby from the back of the class stands up and says…”Does a fart have lumps?”
The teacher looks horrified and says….,”Abby! Of course not!!!”
OK, then I DEFINITELY shit in my pants.
Cheerios
Two little brothers, aged six and eight, decide it’s time to learn how to swear.
So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, “Okay, you say ‘ass’ and I’ll say ‘hell’.”
All excited about their plan, they trooped downstairs, where their mother asks them what they’d like for breakfast.
“Aw, hell,” says the eight-year-old, “gimme some Cheerios.”
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. “What’ll you have?”
“I dunno,” quavers the six-year-old, “but you can bet your ass it ain’t gonna be Cheerios.”
Baking a Cake
A mom and her daughter took a trip to the zoo; When they got to the monkeys pen, they saw two monkeys getting it on.
The daughter said, “Mommy, what are those two monkeys doing?”
The mom thought for a minute and said, “Oh, they’re baking a cake.”
Later that day, the mom and daughter went to the park. The daughter saw a couple having sex. She asked her mom, “What are those people doing, Mommy?”
The mom looked over and said, “Oh, they’re baking a cake, too.” A couple days went by and the daughter walks into the living room where her parents were and said to her mom,
“You and Daddy were a baking a cake last night.”
The mom says, “How’d you know that?”
And the daughter said, “Because, I licked the icing off of the couch.”
Getting Older
Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You’re it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose. s
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10.Musical recliners.
Chapter 2: Signs of Menopause
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using
you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not
amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives
you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a
field trip to Chippendales.
Chapter 3: signs of wear
“OLD” IS WHEN….. Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and
you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
“OLD” IS WHEN….. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you’re barefoot.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
face.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don’t have to go along.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of
by the police.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any
fiber today.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking
lot.
But after all of that “You are as old as your “State of Mind.”
You don’t grow “Old” you just “GET BETTER.” (State of Mind). (smile!!!!!)
Roger & Gary’s Gay Shower
Roger and Gary two gay guys are having a nice Valentine’s Day romantic candle light dinner in their new apartment.
After a few drinks, they decide it would be fun to go take a shower and finish the celebration with a bang…
They jump in the shower and start making out madly, turning each other around, spanking each other, all is about to culminate when suddenly the phone rings!
“I’ll get it” says Roger, leaving the shower all pissed off… “but you have to promise you won’t touch yourself until I get back”
He comes back 30 seconds later, rips the shower curtain open only to find cum all over the shower walls. I told you not to finish yourself off!!!” he yells at Gary…
Gary replies: ‘I didn’t, I didn’t, I promise!’ ‘I just farted…
Rocky Mountain Oysters
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a
day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only
did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What
is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, ” Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the hell, I’m on
vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this
delicacy!”
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then
that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the
day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter,
he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are
much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si senor. Sometimes
the bull wins.”
Yodeling
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Switzerland? Italy? France? Most believe it originated in Switzerland, but here’s the real version.
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer’s daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, “Who is that man going into the barn?”
“That’s some fellow traveling through,” said the farmer. “He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn.”
The daughter said, “Perhaps he is hungry.” So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing was disheveled and there was straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer’s wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair was all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. “How could he leave without even saying good-bye” she cried. “We made such passionate love last night!”
“What?” shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, “I’m going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!”
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out:
“LAIDTHEOLADEETOO”
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