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Archive for the ‘Women Jokes’ Category
How Dogs and Men Are Alike
1. Both keep moving…even when they are lost.
2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
4. Both are threatened by their own kind.
5. Neither understands what you see in cats.
6. Both want dominance.
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
8. Both chase cars.
9. The larger ones tend to drool.
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
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Two women
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to wipe, and then discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought “I’m not getting rid of my panties,” so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties!” The other one responded: “You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, “We will never forget you.”
The last day
A man walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me a shot of the strongest thing you’ve got.” He takes the shot glass and knocks it back. He then asks for another one and knocks that on back, too. After about 5 or 6 of these the bartender decides that he’s going to cut the guy off. He say’s to the guy, “Hey, what’s wrong with you? Did you have a fight with your wife or something?” The man sighs and says, “Yeah, after the fight she said that she wasn’t going to speak to me for a whole week!” The bartender, puzzled, says, “Well, what’s wrong with that?” The man replied, “Well today’s the last day!”
Tenia que se rubia…
Un ventrílocuo comienza su función y le hace “decir” a su muñeco una catarata de chistes sobre rubias. De pronto, una joven, bella y rubia mujer se levanta en la platea y grita:
-¡Basta, imbécil: estoy harta de escuchar idioteces! ¿Con qué derecho nos ofende así a las rubias? ¿Qué tendrá que ver el color del pelo con la inteligencia, con la personalidad, con el alma de una persona? ¡Por culpa de idiotas como usted, hay mujeres como yo que no son respetadas en la vida ni en sus trabajos! ¡Es usted un retrasado patético, y lo que hace no es solamente contrario a la ley sobre la discriminación, sino también muy ofensivo para toda persona sensible! ¡Vergüenza debería darle,patán!
El ventrílocuo, muy avergonzado, comienza a ensayar una balbuceante disculpa, pero la rubia lo interrumpe:
-¡Usted no se meta! ¡Estoy hablando con el enano de mierda que está sentado en sus rodillas!
A warning to all women!!!
The strangest thing happened to me at lunch today. I was sitting at a local outdoor cafe having lunch by myself and two men came and sat down at my table… I gave them the death look, but they just casually stayed at my table and wouldn’t leave me alone. I shined up my ring on my married finger, then placed my hand on the table and I hinted to them that I was married and that I was not interested in them. Luckily for me they got the hint and left, but thankfully the whole thing was captured on the Cafe’s camera. I’m sending you this picture as a warning… just in case they try and pick you up too. Honestly, some men think they are God’s gift to women!
Yo mama’s glasses so thick…
Yo mama’s glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.
Yo mama’s glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
Mood Ring
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I’m in a good mood it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood it leaves a big frickin’ red mark on his forehead.
From: Adriana Contreras
The Gravy Ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can’t find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John”
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”
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