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Posts Tagged ‘Alcohol’
A Fish Story
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance. The fish said to itself, “If that fly comes six inches closer, I’ll jump up and have myself a meal.”
Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, “If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I’ll catch the fish and have myself a meal.”
As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, “If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I’ll shoot the bear.”
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself: “If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I’ll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.
However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, “If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I’ll snatch the rat.”
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, and the cat jumped, missed the rat, and landed in the lake.
The moral of this story is:
A lot has to happen before the pussy gets wet.
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Penis Names
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar. “But, what the heck,” he says, “I really want a drink.”
The gay bartender approaches, and with a smile asks, “What’s the name of your penis?” The customer says, “Look, I’m not into any of that All I want is a drink.”
The gay bartender says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.
Mine for instance is ‘Nike,’ for the slogan ‘Just Do It.’
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his ‘Snickers’, because ‘It really Satisfies’.
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of your penis?”
The man looks back and says with a smile, “Timex.” The thirsty customer asks, “Why Timex?” The fella proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin!”
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, “So, what do you call your penis?”
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “Ford, because Quality is Job 1.” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford lately?”
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and shouts, “The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me a beer!”
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why Secret?”
The customer says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!”
No more tequila
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar of $50 bills behind the bar. It’s filled to the brim with Fifty dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him: “What’s up with the jar?”
Bartender: “Well, you pay Fifty dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money.” Man: “What are the three tests?”
Bartender: “Pay first. Those are the rules.” So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills.
Bartender: “OK, here’s what you have to do.
First, you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can’t make a face while doing it.
Second, there’s a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there’s a 90 year old woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.”
Man: “Well, I know I’ve paid my ten bucks but I’m not an idiot, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there.
Bartender: “Your call. But your money stays in the jar.” Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?”
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. “Now,” he says, “where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”
Famous Quotes about Drinking
- Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. – That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. — Ernest Hemmingway
- Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. — Winston Churchill
- He was a wise man who invented beer. — Plato
- Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. — Lady Astor to Winston Churchill. – Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. — His reply
- When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. — Henny Youngman
- Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. — Benjamin Franklin
- If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. — Deep Thought, Jack Handy
- The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. — Humphrey Bogart
- I drink to make other people interesting. — George Jean Nathan
- An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. — For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
- You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. — Dean Martin
- All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer. — Homer Simpson
Yesterday, a scientist from the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of recent test analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the findings, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned at this time.
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