TheWebJoker.com

1-
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He’s going through his usual off-colour and “dumb blonde” jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says:
“I’ve heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person’s hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being?
It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential…because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you
do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
“You stay out of this Mister! I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

2-
What is the difference between an Essex girl and a mosquito..
A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it on the head…….

3-
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: But I don’t have any money. But I’d do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother”.
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) “Anything?” he asked. Yes,yes, anything” the blonde promised. “Well then, just follow me”, said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. “Come in And close the door” the man said. She did. He then said “Now get on your knees”. She did. “Now take down my zipper”. She did. “Now go ahead …take it out ….” he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered “Well…go ahead”. The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it ..and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said………..
“Hello, mum can you hear me?”

4-
A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what happened. He told them it had happened at church. They insisted that you couldn’t get a black eye at church, and wanted to know what really happened.
So, he told them, “I went to the church—I got on my knees and prayed—I stood up to sing the hymns—there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen, and when she had stood up, her dress had got stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her and she did not like that so she hit me.” The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he’d got beaten up at church. Again they didn’t believe him, so he explained, “I went to the church—I got on my knees and prayed—I stood up to sing the hymns—and there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack.”
At this point the other men interrupted and said “Please tell us you didn’t pull her dress out of there again?”
“No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn’t like that—so I shoved it back in.”

5-
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, “Oh, it’s Sunday night and my car broke down! I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
“Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messin’ with my sons Jed and Luke.”
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
“Okay”, she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?” They say, “Huh?”
She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.” She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, “Luke?”
Luke says, “Yeah, Jed?”
Jed says, “You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?”
“Yeah,” says Luke, “I remember.”
“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.
“Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not”.
“Me, neither,” says Jed, “Let’s take these things off.”

6-
Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her. “To remove that vibrator,” said the doctor,
“I’m going to have to perform a very long, delicate and expensive operation.”
“I don’t think I can afford it” said Sally. “Could you just replace the batteries?”

7-
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.
“Oh,” said the blonde girl sympathetically, “that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.”

8-
A blonde at a party was telling her friend that she was off men for life. “They lie, they cheat and they’re just no good. From now on when I want sex, I’m going to use my vibrator”
“So, what when the batteries run out?” asked her friend
“I’ll just fake an orgasm like always.”

9-
Did you hear about the overweight blonde woman that went to her doctor complaining about her lack of a sex life? “I have a solution,” said the doctor: “Diet and everything will be okay.” “What colour?” asked the blonde.

10-
Two Essex girls walk into a department store, They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it “That’s quite nice innit, don’t you fink Trace”
“Yeah what’s it called?”
“Viens a moi”
“VIENS A MOI”, what the does that mean?
At this stage the assistant offers some help.
“Viens a moi ladies is French for ‘come to me’”
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying “That doesn’t smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?”

11-
The police department, famous for its superior canine unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.
Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a dog unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, ‘I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!’

12-
It was a blonde’s first plane trip.
Boarding the aircraft and found herself a window seat in a non-smoking area,
and settled in. A man came over and insisted that she was in his seat.
She told him to go away.
“Okay,” replied the man. “If that’s the way you want it, you fly the plane.”

13-
What is the difference between a washing machine and a Blonde ?
A washing machine doesn’t follow you around after you dump your load in it.

14-
There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two.
The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

15-
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a mobile phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it’s her husband, “Hi hun,” he says “how do you like your new phone?”
She replies “I just love it, it’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there’s one thing I don’t understand though.”
“What’s that, baby?” asks the husband.
“How did you know I was at Sainsburys?”

16-
Five Irishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The gorgeous blonde Italian customs agent stops and tells them, ‘It’s illegal to put five people in a Quattro.’ ‘What do you mean it’s illegal?’ asks the driver. ‘Quattro means four’ replied the blonde. ‘Quattro is just the name of the car,’ the Irishman retorted in disbelief. ‘Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.’ ‘You can’t pull that one on me,’ replies the Italian customs agent: ‘Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and are therefore breaking the law’. The driver replies angrily: ‘Brainless idiot! Call your supervisor over – I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!’ ‘Sorry, ‘she said sweetly: ‘he can’t come right now. He’s busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.’

17-
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver’s window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!” at the top of his lungs. “No!” the blonde yelled back, “Scarf!”

18-
There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says “Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders.” The blonde then replies “That’s a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?”

19-
An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright. “I’m so sorry luv! I just didn’t see ya. Are ya OK?” he blurts out. “Everyfink is justa blur, I can’t see a fing” she says, tearfully. Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, “How many fingers have I got up?” Oh my God NO!” she screams. “Don’t tell me I’m paralysed from the waist down as well.

20-
A blonde girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, “When did this happen?”
She replied, “Last week.”
The police then asked, “Why did you wait until now to report it?”
“Well,” she said. “I didn’t know that I was assaulted until the check bounced.”

21-
What’s the difference between an Essex girl and a walrus?
One has whiskers and fishy flaps. The other’s a large sea mammal.

22-
A blonde and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and became bored. “Hey, let’s play a game” she said.
“What game?” was his bored reply.
“Let’s play hide’n'seek. I’ll give you a blow-job if you can find me.”
“What if I can’t find you?”
“I’ll be behind the piano.”

23-
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said “Look at that dog with one eye!”
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, “Where?”

24-
How come you’re late?” asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.
“It was awful,” she explains. “I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street. He’d been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a minute.”
“What did you do?” asks the bartender.
“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”

25-
Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ….?
A: A blond doing cartwheels.”

26-
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win

27-
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray

28-
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

29-
A high-class dress party is in full flow when suddenly a gorgeous blonde woman walks in…completely nude. The alarmed host rushes to intercept her.
Where’s your costume? he hisses through clenched teeth.
This is it , she explains. I came as Adam.
Adam?’ her host explodes. You don’t even have a cock!
Oh I don’t know, she replies, give me a few minutes…

30-
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.
She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!”
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!”
Amazed, the blonde wasn’t quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn’t covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly — tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything.
Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, “There are no fish under the ice!”
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice boomed back, “No, this is the manager of the skating rink!”

31-
What did the blonde call her pet Zebra?
Spot.

32-
After travelling a few blocks, the blonde realised she had no money and immediately informed the driver. “You’d better stop. I can’t pay you and it’s ten dollars already,” she said.
The driver checked her out in the rear-vision mirror.
“That’s okay,” he said. “I’ll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and take off your bra.”
“You’d be cheating yourself,” she replied. “This bra is only worth five dollars.”

33-
There’s a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.
The headquarters in the US calls:
“Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen.”
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.
So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later headquarters calls again:
“Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen.”
He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.
So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again:
“Woman, please woman approach the screen.”
She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says…..
“I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, don’t touch anything.”

34-
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms…”

35-
Q: Why don’t blondes breast-feed their babies?
A: It hurts too much to boil the nipples.

36-
To: The Boss
From: Blondie
Subject: Changing calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven’t misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant.

37-
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde, she’ll read it very slow.”

38-
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.
A neighbour suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.
It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail and our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbour suggested she notch the ear of one horse.
That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again our friend couldn’t tell them apart.
The neighbour suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

39-
A hungry Kakadu crocodile was waiting on a bank of a river for a boatload of plump American tourists. Days passed, no tourists. Finally an Aborigine came down to the river to spear barramundi, and although he was pretty skinny, the crocodile decided that he’d be better than nothing. So he lunged at him, grabbed his feet and began to gulp him down, bit by bit. Whereupon the long-awaited boat of American tourists came into view. One of them spied the head sticking out of the croc and said, “Look! Look!”
Another tourist, a blonde woman, said, “I thought they said Aborigines were poor. Well, there’s one with a Lacoste sleeping bag.”

40-
Debbie, being still unmarried, was bored one evening. So she decided to go to a London casino for the first time ever and was persuaded to play roulette. She asked someone at the table the best way to pick a number. He suggested putting her money on her age. So, she put ten chips on the number 28. When the number 34 came up, she fainted.

41-
Tricky Dicky, a used car dealer, was determined to break all sales records with his ‘like new’ models. A large sign in his window announced: “One Blonde Free With Every Car.”
A delighted young stud plunked down his money and, in hot anticipation, drove his newly won blonde out into the country. He parked, gave her a few preliminary kisses, and whispered a suggestion in her ear. She shook her head, smiled, and said, “You got that when you bought this car.”

42-
Two blondes were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends. The first said, “He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats.”
“Impressive.” said the second young thing.
“Well… yes.” the first agreed. “But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit.”

43-
“Will the father be present during the birth?” asked the obstetrician solicitously.
“Nah,” replied Cindy, the blonde mother to be.
“He and my husband don’t get along.”

44-
The girl came skipping home from school one day.
“Mummy, Mummy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,9,10!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mummy?”
“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
“Mummy, Mummy,” She yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mummy?”
“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
“Mummy, Mummy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!”
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
“No Honey, it’s because you’re 24.”

45-
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” The bartender can’t contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the centre is a beautifully framed child’s puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, “What’s all the chanting and celebration about?” The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, “Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!”

46-
One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her handbag. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.

47-
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?”
“No, silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: “I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”
“So, then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, “I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”
“So, then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

48-
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of “yes/no” type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet – Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and inquires if something is wrong?
“I finished the exam in half an hour but I am rechecking my answers…”

49-
A blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, “What is that?”
The store clerk responds, “It’s a thermos.”
The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk says “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
So she buys one.
The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blonde, asks, “What is that shiny object?”
She replies “It’s a thermos.”
She asks, “What does it do?”
She says, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
She then asks, “What do you have in there?”
“Two cups of coffee and an ice lolly.”

50-
Ralph went to a bar and ordered a drink. After a few minutes, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon he invited her back to his place. When they got to the bedroom, the blonde exclaimed “Wow! A waterbed,
I’ve never had sex on a waterbed before.”
Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde stopped him and said, “Before we go any further, don’t you think we should put on some protection?”
“Good idea,” Ralph responded.
The blonde jumped up walked out of the room, and when she came back, she was wearing a life jacket.

51-
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
“You’ll be fine,” he said.
She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”
He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”

52-
A young man was trying to explain the mysteries of horse racing to a blonde woman.
He said, “If you back a horse for five pounds at five to one, you win twenty five pounds. If you back it at ten to one, you get fifty pounds. And if you back it at twenty to one, you get one hundred pounds.”
She answered politely, “And what happens if I back it at exactly one o’clock?”

53-
This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”
The blonde quickly responded, “The living one.”

54-
The young blonde was describing her evening’s exploits to a friend. “After dinner,” she said, “he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that.”
“That was smart,” her friend said, approvingly. “Then what happened?”
“He kept insisting, and I kept refusing,” the blonde said.
“You didn’t weaken your resolve did you?” asked the friend.
“Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry…”

55-
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.

56-
Why won’t they hire blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the label printers.

57-
Hear about the blonde that got an AM Radio? It took her a month to realise she could play it in the afternoon.

58-
How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for chips.

59-
Why do blondes have more fun? They are easier to amuse.

60-
Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow in the air? She missed.

61-
What is it called when a blonde blows into another blonde’s ear? Data transfer.

62-
Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? She wanted to build a darkroom for film processing.

63-
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde’s driver’s license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman “What does a driver’s license look like?” Irritated, the blonde cop said “You dummy, it’s got your picture on it!”
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, “Aha! This must be my driver’s license” and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, “You’re free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle.”

64-
Natasha the blonde announced to the bartender, “Seems I’ve been informally named adviser on ‘Sexual Matters’ at my company.”
“That sounds interesting. Does this mean you’ll be counselling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?”
“I’m not sure yet,” Natasha answered.
“During a staff meeting, I suggested a reduction in executive expense accounts and I was then told “When they wanted my fucking advice, they’d let me know.”

65-
A blonde woman was in deep financial trouble, so decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: “I’ve kidnapped your child. Leave $25,000 in a plain brown bag behind the oak tree in the park by 7:00 am tomorrow.”
The note was signed: The Blonde.
She pinned the note inside the little lad’s jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, the blonde returned to the park to find $25,000 in a brown bag, just as she’d instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note: “Here’s your money. I can’t believe one blonde would do this to another!”

66-
A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist’s couch, telling him how frustrated she was. “I tried to be an actress and failed,” she complained. “I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.”
The shrink thought for a moment and said… “Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don’t you try nursing?”
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says… “Well go ahead, I’ll give it a try!”

67-
Blonde’s Complaint
“Last year at a Christmas party, I got off with this gorgeous bloke called Ben. He was a real arrogant git, but I’ve always been attracted to bastards.
Little did I know this bloke was the biggest shit imaginable. We went back to my place and he pounced on me straightaway. Within minutes, he was shagging me frantically from behind on the sofa. I began to think that doing it that way was really impersonal.
“Let me turn around, I want to see your face,” I slurred in my drunken state. But Ben just carried on regardless. I tried to move round myself, but he held me in place, grunting something about his jeans round his ankles making it difficult to move.
I was getting well cheesed off and I could feel he was about to finish. I suddenly found myself groaning, “I want to see your face as you cum”.
I felt him reach down into his pocket and just as he reached orgasm, he thrust his bus pass in front of my face. I stared miserably at a passport photo of the git as he shot his load behind me.”

68-
Blonde Medical Terminology
Anally — occurring yearly
Artery — study of paintings
Bacteria — back door of cafeteria
Barium — what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel — letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section — district in Rome
Cat scan — searching for kitty
Cauterize — Made eye contact with her
Colic — sheep dog
Coma — a punctuation mark
Congenital — friendly
D&C — where Washington is
Diarrhoea — journal of daily events
Dilate — to live long
Enema — not a friend
Fester — quicker
Fibula — a small lie
Genital — non-Jewish
G.I. Series — soldiers’ ball game
Grippe — suitcase
Hangnail — coathook
Impotent — distinguished, well known
Intense pain — torture in a teepee
Labour pain — got hurt at work
Medical staff — doctor’s cane
Morbid — higher offer
Nitrate — cheaper than day rate
Node — was aware of
Outpatient — person who had fainted
Pap smear — fatherhood test
Pelvis — co usin of Elvis
Post operative — letter carrier
Protein — favouring young people
Rectum — damn near killed ‘em
Recovery room — place to do upholstery
Rheumatic — amorous
Scar — rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion — hiding anything
Seizure — Roman emperor
Serology — study of knighthood
Terminal illness — sickness at airport
Tibia — country in North Africa
Tumour — an extra pair
Urine — opposite of you’re out
Varicose — located nearby
Vein — conceited

69-
An Essex girl went down to the social services to get her family allowance. The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne, and Wayne,” she answered.
“They’re all named Wayne ?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call “Wayne” and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘Wayne, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”

70-
A blonde sat sobbing in the police station. “I was raped by an Irishman.” She wailed.
“How do you know it was an Irishman? The detective asked.
“I had to help him,” the girl replied.

71-
A blonde walked into up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket.
“Where to?” Asked the smiling ticket agent.
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Duh, back here!”

72-
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way,” the blonde exclaimed: “I almost got caught yesterday.”

73-
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman.
“I’m diabetic, and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today,” she said.
“Are you light-headed?” my colleague asked.
“No,” the caller answered, “I’m a brunette.”

74-
An attractive young blonde was about to go to bed with her blind date when she suddenly burst into tears.
“I’m afraid you’ll get the wrong idea about me,” she said between sobs. “I’m really not that kind of girl!”
“I believe you,” her date said, as he tried to comfort her.
“You’re the first one,” she gulped.
“The first one to make love to you?” he asked.
“No!” she replied. “The first one to believe me.”

75-
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defence attorney. “Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand. “I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defence said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde. “I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defence to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know.”

76-
A blonde was taking the tour of a US national park not long ago. The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area. The blonde exclaimed: “Wow I can’t believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!”

77-
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“HelOOOooo,” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”

78-
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other was in the cup.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using a number 3 they were unable to decide. So they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked,
“OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?”

79-
The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
“Look,” said the doctor, “there’s no need to get emotional about getting glasses.”
“I know,” agreed the blonde, “But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.”

80-
Bob and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say: “We are going to have 8 to 10 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says: We are expecting 10 to 12 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says: “We are expecting 12 to 14 centimetres of snow today. You must park…….” then the electric power goes out. Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says: “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplough can get through?” With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob said: “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

81-
A blonde, brunette and redhead were walking along the beach.
A seagull fly’s over and craps all over the blonde, the brunette says in a disgusted voice “hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I’ll go get some toilet paper.”
After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh, the redhead says “what’s so funny?”
The blonde says “well, blondes are suppose to be so dumb and look at her, by the time she gets back with the toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!”

82-
Sarah comes skipping home from school one day. “Mummy,” she says, “we were counting today and all the other children could only count to four, but I counted to 10. Like this – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.”
“Very good, dear,” says her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?” Sarah asks.
“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” replies her mother.
The next day, Sarah comes skipping home from school. “Mummy,” she says, “we were saying the alphabet today and all the other children could only say it to D, but I said it to G. Like this – A, B, C, D, E, F, G.”
“Very good, dear,” says her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” replies her mother.
The next day Sarah comes skipping home from school. “Mummy,” she says, “we were in gym class today and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I don’t. Like this.” And Sarah lifts her tank top to reveal a firm pair of breasts.
“Very good, dear,” says her embarrassed mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
“No dear, it’s because you’re 24.”

83-
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde’s boyfriend?
A: He’s the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead!

84-
Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don’t know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

85-
Q: Why don’t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!

86-

87-
A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly “T-G-I-F” another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”
The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”

88-
Q: What’s the mating call of the blonde?
A: “I’m *sooo* drunk!”
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) “I said: I’m drunk!”

89-
She was so blonde that she:
Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight

Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope

Can’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles won’t fit into the typewriter

Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries

90-
On a QANTAS LAX to SYD flight last month a blonde in the Economy Section got up and moved forward to First Class and took a seat. The Flight Attendant watched her do this and went over and asked to see her Boarding Pass. She then told the blonde that as she had only paid for Y Class she would have to return to her assigned seat.
The blonde replied: “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m going to stay right here!”
The Flight Attendant phoned the Flight Deck of the 747 and told the Captain and First officer that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and wont move back to her proper seat. The First Officer comes down to talk to the blonde and explains that she must return to her assigned seat in the aft section of the aircraft.
The blond again replies: “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful’, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here!”
He returns to the Flight Deck, tells the Captain what happened and says that he will contact Sydney to have the Police meet the plane.
The Captain says: “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He then goes down to where the blonde is seated, whispers something in her ear, and she says: “Oh, I’m sorry,” and gets up and moves back to her proper seat in the Economy section.
The Flight Attendant is amazed and asks the Captain what he said to make her move without any fuss.
“I told her First Class isn’t going to Sydney.”

91-
This blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d read many books on the subject and after finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from above, a voice boomed: “There are no fish under the ice!.” Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again, the voice bellowed: “There are no fish under the ice!” The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her fishing hole. The voice came once more: “There are no fish under the ice!.” Stunned, she stopped, looked skyward, and asked: “Is that You, Lord?” The voice replied: “No, this is the manager of the skating rink!”

92-
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
“If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?”
“I’d have to say the living one.”

93-
A blind man enters a Ladies’ Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair – given that you’re blind that you should know five things:
1 – The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 – I’m a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah. Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

94-
Space Shuttle launches with the following crew; two monkeys and a blonde. Once in orbit, NASA is heard to give out commands.
“This is Houston, could monkey number 1 please carry out your task.”
Monkey number 1 jumps over to the console, taps in a few instructions and a satellite is promptly launched.
“This is Houston, could monkey number 2 please carry out your task.”
Monkey number 2 jumps over to the console and enters the commands to return the shuttle back to Earth.
“This is Houston, could the blonde please ca…”
“I know, I know… feed the fucking monkeys and don’t touch anything.”