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Posts Tagged ‘Doctor’
Stroke
Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.
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Oral Sex
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her.
On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: “She choked.”
Doctors Advice On Sex
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.
On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts.
Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.
“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news.
“I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.”
“Well, all right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios…”
URINE SAMPLE
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack said to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I had better see a doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replied. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars….heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor!”
So Jack collected a urine sample in a small jar and took it to the drugstore. When he deposited his ten dollars, the computer lit up and asked for the urine sample. He poured the sample into a funnel and waited.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer printed out the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs rings.
6. And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
The Vet
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog’s chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.” “What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven’t even done any tests! I want another opinion.” The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it’s head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”). The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he’s gone”). After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That’s outrageous!”
The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the
cat scan….”
Actual Medical Records
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
- Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
- I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly; She also appears to be depressed.
- Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
- The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Smith to dispose of him.
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- The patient refused an autopsy.
- The patient has no past history of suicides.
- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
- The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
- She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
- The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
- The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
- Skin: somewhat pale but present.
- Admitted in error.
- Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Jones, who felt that we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
- Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
- Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it…don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain….Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO …. Cocoa beans … another vegetable!!!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Have a cookie … flour is a veggie!
One more thing…”When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt.”
An 80 year old Italian gentleman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asked, “how do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” said the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape… I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up, down and around the fairways. I then have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it than that. How old was your father when he died?”
“Who said my father is dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your father is still alive. How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old,” says the elderly Italian golfer. “In fact, he golfs with me regularly, and then we go to the topless beach to pick up some girls and then have a little vino and that’s why he’s still alive. So you see, he’s Italian and a golfer, too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my nonno is dead?
Stunned, the doctor asks, “are you telling me you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible! how old is he?”
“He’s 119 years old,” said the old Italian golfer.
The doctor was somewhat frustrated at this point and sarcastically said, “So I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No, nonno couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
Getting married! Why would a 119-year-old guy want to get married?
“Who said he wanted to?”
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