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Posts Tagged ‘funny’
“A bull in Montana”
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?” A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.” Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?” “It’s great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes.” “What do you do all day?” asked Martha. “Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.” Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?” “Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.” “Well, then, where are you?” “I’m a bull in Montana.”
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At Heathrow Airport
At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th-century coach, hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that’s ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, “M President, please accept my regrets….I’m sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.” George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, “Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought… You know, if you hadn’t said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses.”
The mysterious Bigfoot
A universal study on the mysterious Bigfoot was conducted in the Pacific Northwest. Three scientists from three different countries decided to go out into the woods for three months with the most sophisticated equipment known to mankind, in hopes of finally proving the existence of Bigfoot. An American scientist from Washington met with a Russian scientist and a scientist from Czechoslovakia. Together all three scientists went off into the woods of the Pacific Northwest in search of Bigfoot. Three months pass, and no one had heard from any of the scientists. After pressure from the visiting scientists’ home countries, an expedition was conducted to find the missing scientists. After a few days of searching, the search party came upon a den housing a family of Bigfoot: a daddy Bigfoot, a mama Bigfoot and a daughter Bigfoot. Upon closer examination, the search party noticed clothing belonging to the missing scientists laying on the ground around the Bigfoot family. The Bigfoot family tried to flee, but the search party shot at the family of Bigfoot. The search party killed the mama Bigfoot and the daughter Bigfoot, but the daddy Bigfoot got away. The searchers dragged the Bigfoot carcasses back to their camp, and performed autopsies to determine if they had eaten the missing scientists. After dissecting the mama Bigfoot, the searchers discovered the remains of the missing American scientist. After dissecting the daughter Bigfoot, the searchers found the remains of the missing Russian scientist. The head doctor then informed the search party, “I’m afraid that is it. We have the remains of the missing American scientist and the remains of the missing Russian scientist, but I’m afraid we don’t have a trace of the missing Czechoslovakian scientist. Did you happen to see any other Bigfoots?” The head of the search party stepped forward and replied, “Yes, we did. A daddy Bigfoot got away from us.” The doctor nodded with understanding, “Oh, I see. So the Czech is in the male!”
Asshole
The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class.
“Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”
She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from “the lamb was sure to go” to “the lamb went with her.”
A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Little Johnny raised his hand and recited, “Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt He stuck his nose in Mary’s clothes, and smelled her little–”
He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. “Prose!” the teacher said weakly. So Little Johnny said, “Asshole.”
The accident
One day Tony Blair was out jogging-and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet Prime Minister out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, “Boys, you saved the Prime Minister of Britain today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I’ll give it to you.”
The first boy said, “Please, I’d like a ticket to Disneyland!” “I’ll personally hand it to you,” said Tony.
“I’d like a pair of Nike Air Turbos,” the second boy said. “I’ll buy them myself and give them to you,” said Blair.
“And I’d like a wheelchair with a stereo in it,” said the third boy.
“I’ll personally … wait a second, son, you’re not handicapped!”
“No-but I will be when my father finds out who I saved from drowning.”
15 year old son
A couple was sitting up waiting for their 15 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.
“Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. “Guess what! I’ve just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!”
His mother turned red and said to her husband, “He’s your son. You talk to him”. Then she left the room.
The father said “Son, that’s great. Now you’ve become a man and I’m proud of you. I’m going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you’ve been wanting. I hope you don’t mind waiting till payday to get it”.
“That’s OK, Dad”, said the boy. “I couldn’t ride it right now anyway. My ass is too sore right now.
10 times its size
The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered for a long time until little Mary stood up, angry, and said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal who would fire the teacher!
The teacher ignored her and asked the question again. “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
The teacher said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and said,”As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number one, you have a dirty mind. Number two, you didn’t read your homework. Number three, one day, you will be very, very disappointed.”
Looking for a job
A young Kevin Holm from The Yukon moves to Vancouver and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says,” Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alaska”.
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?” Kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our salespeople average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?” Kid says “$101,237.64″ Boss says “101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”
Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast. I told him he was gonna need a boat. So we went down to the boat department. I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it. I took him down to the automotive department. I sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”
Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, “Well, your weekend’s fucked you might as well go fishing.”
A salesman
A salesman was travelling between towns and got a flat tyre in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman: “Need a lift?” “Yes, I do”, replied the salesman. “You New Labour or a Tory?”, asked the old man. “A Tory”, replied the salesman. “Get stuffed!”, yelled the old man as he sped off.
The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer: “Tory” The driver gave him the finger and drove off.
The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Tories in this area.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were New Labour or Tory. “Labour!”, shouted the salesman. “Hop in!”, replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, he can’t help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, he yells “STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!” She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. “What’s the matter?”, she asks. “I can’t take it!”, he replies. “I’ve only been a New Labour supporter for five minutes and already I want to fuck somebody!”
In the airport VIP
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, I introduced myself, and said, “Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor.”
“Yes?”
“I’m sitting right over there,” pointing to my seat at the bar, “and I’m waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, ‘Hi, Matt,’?”
“Sure.”
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
“Hi, Matt,” he said.
I replied, “Fuck off, Bill. Can’t you see I’m in a meeting.”
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