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Posts Tagged ‘humor’
59th birthday
Yesterday was my 59th birthday, & I wasn’t feeling too hot this morning anyway. I went down for breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say “Happy Birthday,” & probably have a present for me. She didn’t even say “Good Morning,” let alone “Happy Birthday”. I thought, “Well, that’s wives for you. The children will remember.” The children came in to breakfast & didn’t say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low & despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Betty said, “Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday”. And I felt a little better someone had remembered! I worked until noon. Then, Betty knocked on my door & said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside & it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you & me”. I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go”. We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go-we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis & enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.” “Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom &, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends. They were singing “Happy Birthday…”
And there I sat, on the couch. Naked.
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Valentine’s Day shopping
On a recent weekend, I was rushing around trying to do some Valentine’s Day shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night’s chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.
He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Valentine’s Day presents (since she didn’t manage to get them anything on Christmas). The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
“Why didn’t you scream for help?” I asked.
The boy said, “I did.”
“And nobody came to help you?” I queried.
The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. “How loud did you scream?” I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, “Help me!”
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
In our garden
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.
“That’s a daddy longlegs.” her father answered.
“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.
“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. “Well, we’re not having that sort of shit in our garden.”
I, George W. Bush
A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart. The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain.
The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue, the operation was planned.
The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man’s declining IQ on a nice bright LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off … 95, 94, 93, …
Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor’s wife. They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient.
When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down … 6, 5, 4, …
He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. “Holy moley!” exclaimed the doctor, “What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!”
The man looked at him and said, “I, George W. Bush, announce my candidacy for President of the United States…”
Pearly Gates
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. “You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”
Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for his credentials.
Picasso doesn’t hesitate. “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”
Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women; he captures their essence with but a few strokes of the chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!”
The last to arrive is George W. Bush.
Saint Peter scratches his head. “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
G. W. looks bewildered, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs, “Come on in, George.”
Irritating cunt
A teacher is talking to her class full of infants “If your mother was a bird, what sort would she be?” she asks the children
The first child says – “If my mummy was a bird, she’d be a dove”,
“That’s nice” said the teacher, “why’s that?”
Because she’s beautiful and pure and reminds me of a dove” says the little boy
“If my mummy was a bird, she’d be a stork” says the second boy,
“Oh and why’s that?” says the teacher
“Because she’s tall and elegant and reminds me of a stork” says the boy
“If my mummy was a bird she’d be a thrush” says the third boy
“Why’s that?” says the teacher
“Because she’s an irritating cunt!”
In the Old West
This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said “I have a suggestion that is sure to help.” “Tell me, tell me,” said the young man. “Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg.” “Will that make me a better gunfighter?” said the young man. “Definitely,” the old man replied. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. “Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?” “Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother.” “Will that make me a better gunfighter?” ” It sure will,” said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve piano player. “This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?” “One more thing,” said the old man. “Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun.” The young fellow didn’t hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun. “No, the whole gun, handle and everything.” said the old man. “Will that make me a better gunfighter?” “No,” said the old man, “But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he’s going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.”
Two young brothers
Two young brothers are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father gets the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs.
The mother turns back to the two boys and says, “we’re going upstairs for a little while. You two stay here and watch TV, okay?”
The two boys nod in agreement, and the parents take off upstairs.
The eldest of the two boys is old enough to know what’s going on, so he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad’s bedroom and just shakes his head. Back downstairs, he says to his little brother, “Be real quiet, and follow me.” Together, they tiptoe up the stairs.
Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and whispers, “Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to get mad at us for sucking our thumbs.”
Half a head of lettuce
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that hey only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”
“Essex, sir,” the boy replied. “Well, why did you leave Essex,” the manager asked. The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and football players there.. “Really?” said the manager, “My wife’s from Essex.” The boy replied, “Really? Who does she play for?”
What Baghdad?
Saddam Hussein and George Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam’s chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, George carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks him in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he’s finally had enough, knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning well.
“I’m going back home!” he tells the Iraqi. “We’ll finish these talks in two weeks!”
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on George’s chair and prepares himself for the Yank’s revenge.
They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. George falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
“Forget this,” says Saddam. “I’m going back to Baghdad!” George says through tears of laughter, “What Baghdad?”
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