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Posts Tagged ‘joker’
The ventriloquist and the blonde
A young ventriloquist was doing his show at a small comedy club in Texas. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through his repertoire of blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the first row shouted:
“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against ! not only blondes, but women in general… and all in the name of humor!”
The stunned ventriloquist began to apologize, and the blonde yelled, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little brat on your knee.”
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SHE WAS SO BLONDE…
She Was Sooooooooooooooo Blonde……………
- She thought a quarterback was a refund.
- She thought General Motors was in the army.
- She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
- She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
- At the bottom of an application where it says “sign here”, she wrote “Sagittarius”.
She Was Sooooooooooooooo Blonde……………
- She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
- She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
- Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics”.
She Was Sooooooooooooooo Blonde……………..
- She tripped over a cordless phone.
- She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “Concentrate”.
- She told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK”.
- She asked for a price check at the dollar Store.
- She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
She Was Sooooooooooooooo Blonde…………….
- She studied for a blood test.
- She thought she needed a token to get on the “Soul Train”.
- She sold the car for gas money.
- When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left”, she turned around and went home.
She Was Sooooooooooooooo Blonde…………….
- When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
- She thinks Taco bell is the Mexican phone company.
- She thought if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
- She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
AND MY FAVORITE…………………………………..
- She had a shirt that said “TGIF”, which she thought stood for “Tits Go In Front”
Head & Shoulders
A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who’s perfect:
Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, “Someone should give him Head & Shoulders.”
To which the blonde replies, “How do you give Shoulders?”
Blondes going to Disneyland
Becky and Linda, two blondes from Indiana were headed cross country to go to Disneyland, they happiest place on earth.
They endured more problems than anyone trying to get there; bad weather, sleepless nights in sleezy motels, truckers chasing them on the highways, a few fender benders but they finally made it to California.
Screaming for joy as they drove down the 5 freeway, they started singing Mickey Mouse songs readying themselves for all the magic.
They finally got off the freeway, they were practically there!
Linda! screams the driver, look for signs!
Linda starts crying uncontrollably and says Disneyland left! now we have to go home…
“Blonde” Construction Company
A couple wants their house repainted so they look through the phone book and call the most affordable painting contractor to give them a bid, “Blonde” Construction Company.
“I want the living room and the bedrooms white,” the wife explains…
The crew leader nods and writes it down on her barbie notebook; all of the sudden she goes to the window and yells: “Green side up, girls!”
“Excuse me, but who are you talking to?” says the couple.
“Oh, I have four blonde crew members laying sod across the street…”
Nine Things that Piss Me Off – by Adam Sandler
posted by The_Web_Joker @ 7:34 PM
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Nine Things that Piss Me Off – by Adam Sandler
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for
the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the
fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask
where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy
considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to
search the entire room for the TV remote because they
refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel
manually.
4. When people say “Oh you just want to have your
cake and eat it too.” Fuck off. What good is a goddamn
cake you can’t eat?
5. When people say “It’s always in the last place you
look”. Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep
looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who
and where are they?
6. When people say,while watching a movie “Did you
see that?” No ASSHOLE, I paid $7.50 to come to the
theatre and stare at the friggin ceiling up there.
7. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…..
Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
8. When something is “new and improved”, which is it?
If it’s new, then there has never been anything before
it. If it’s an improvement, then it must not be the
first one!!
9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you
know how fast you were going? You should know asshole
you fucking pulled me over!
OJ Simpson in Cancun
One sunny day, OJ Simsons lawyer finds out the bad news about the murder and a dreadful feeling comes over him… he has to call OJ and let him know what’s going on!
He is tired of saving OJ from himself… he picks up the phone, calls OJ, briefly tells him why he’s coming over and that he’ll explain the rest in detail as soon as he got there.
Twenty minutes later he is at OJ’s door; as he goes to ring the doorbell the door opens and to his surprise it’s OJ coming out in a hurry carrying two big suitcases…
‘What the hell OJ?’ says the lawyer, ‘where are you going with all of your stuff in such a hurry?’
“I thought you said I had to go to Cancun…”
NO! you dumbass, I said “You are going to the can, coon!”
Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them.
I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels…I write, “Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.”
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) ‘Married’ (walk off). That’s how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes:
My wife’s from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes’. ‘For Cripe’s sake.’ Who would that be, Jesus Cripe’s? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?
Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, ‘How can he want me the way I look in the morning?’ It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Pregnancy:
It’s weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, ‘Oh my god. He’s kicking. Do you wanna feel it?’ I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It’s weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don’t do that when I have gas. “Oh my god…give me your hand…It won’t be long now…”
Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen’. You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a
treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole
thing.
Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% that say “I don’t know”. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote…They’re voting
“I don’t know.” “Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON’T KNOW!” (Hangs up looking proud.) “Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about.” This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say “I’m not in the mood.”
Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi, it’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is ‘Share the love.’ Beep.” “Uh, yeah…this is the VD clinic calling….Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of
your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -
zipped up to her throat.
- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
- movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk’s homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask
you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a chainsaw, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning….. Uphill… barefoot.. BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3′ s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause – that’s how we rolled, dig?
We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!
And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!
Regards,
The Over 35 Crowd
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