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Posts Tagged ‘letter’
Chain Letters
THANKS FOR THE CHAIN LETTERS AND OTHER “INFORMATIONAL” EMAILS IN 2003:
- I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it’s good for removing toilet stains.
- I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
- I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
- I don’t leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
- I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
- I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they contain may turn me gay.
- I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
- I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
- I think I’m turning gay because when I go to parties, I don’t look at any girl no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
- I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny that girl, she’s been 7 since 1993…
- I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.
- My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.
- But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on you today at 7pm.
Have a great day!!!!!
(0 Comments)
Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, US…to his boss. His boss resigned very soon afterwards!
Dear Mr Baker,
Mr. Baker, as an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen.
I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers.
Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.
In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your “favourites list”, which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless files. I do believe that terms like “Lolita” are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your mothers b-day”, you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.
Never fuck with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.
Yours Sincerely
Darryl Brewer.
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant
incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my
model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can
think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and
proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted
by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch,
whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under
the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or
her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace,
and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
button presses required to access my account balance on your phone
bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my
new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be
guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is
received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping.
Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is
received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is
received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a
later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1
through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month
I’ve chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
“Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the
vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for”
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to
pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated
contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie
doesn’t come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your
inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client
The Funniest Chain Email Letter I ever Received
posted by The_Web_Joker @ 10:14 PM
Saturday, January 9, 2010
This is by Dennis Leary and it’s the best chain letter I have ever read!!!!!
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off
to the traveling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send “his” email to $1000? How stupid are you?
Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit.
So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
Fuck them.
If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your
closest friends, and an amazing wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times.
I don’t fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it’s your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
—————– Chain Letter Type 1: ———————
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >(scroll down)
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >Make a wish!!!
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >No, really, go on and make one!!!
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >Oh please, they’ll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!!
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >Is your finger getting tired yet?
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >
>> > > > >STOP!!!!
Wasn’t that fun? 
Hope you made a great wish
Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It’s true! Because, THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here’s how it goes:
Send this to 1 person:
One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people:
2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 5-10 people:
5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
Send this to 10-20 people:
10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will firebomb your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
——————————-Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Orphan from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit.
So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder – if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
Thanks again!!
——————————–Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works:
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way) They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.
This Could Happen To You Too!!!
Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
——————————–Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
Friends
A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you’ve been eating catfood,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re as ugly as a hat full of assholes,
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you’ve soiled yourself,
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad chimpanzees, then thrown to vicious dogs,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn’t speak much English… * no, sorry that’s the cleaning lady,
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll never have sex ever again.
——————————————————
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on.
Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who’s been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you’ll end up like Miranda. Right?
Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you’ll have to look at me naked!
Remember: “There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.”
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