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Posts Tagged ‘love’
Quick Love Jokes
Q: What do you tell a girl with two black eyes?
A: Nothing. You already told her twice!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag
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The Cremation
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter… Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?”
She answered by saying, “I bought it with the insurance money!”
She then said, “Irving, remember that new car you promised me?”
She answered saying, “Well, I bought it with the insurance money!”
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes……!
Stand By Your Man
The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”
“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
MARRIAGE
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don’t expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise.
I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night, whether you’re here or not.”
WOMEN’S ENGLISH
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = you’ll be sorry
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset you idiot
You’re certainly active tonight = Is sex all you think about
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don’t want you to see me naked
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ….and carpeting, and wallpaper, and furniture
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m gonna ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something you’re not gonna like
I’ll be ready in a sec = kick your shoes off and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You need to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening? = Too late, you’re dead meat
I’m not yelling = Yes, I’m yelling because I think this is
Important: POSSIBLE ANSWERS TO “WHAT’S WRONG?”
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing really = It’s just that you’re an asshole
MEN’S ENGLISH
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal of this
What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
I’m bored = do you want to have sex?
I love you = let’s have sex now
I love you, too = o.k., I said it, we better have sex now
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I can’t tell any difference
Let’s talk = I’m trying to impress you by showing you that I’m a deep and maybe you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
While shopping) I like that one better = pick any stinking dress and let’s go home
I don’t think that blouse and skirt go well together = I’m gay
Jack and Jill
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat…He says “Jack, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, “Here – try these on.” So, she did and said, “These are too big, I can’t wear them.” So I replied, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.” Ever since that night we have never had any problems.”
“Hmmm,” says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, “Here try these on.” So she does and says, “These are too large, they don’t fit me.” So Jack says, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don’t want you to ever forget that.”
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, “Here you try on mine.” So he does and says, “I can ‘t get into your pants! .” So Jill says, “Exactly. And if you don’t change your smart ass attitude, you never will.”
CIRCLE OF LIFE
When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, she cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
cheap
A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had varied excuses.
“Happy anniversary Mom and dad,” gushed son number one….”Sorry I’m running late…didn’t have time to get you a present.”
“Not to worry,” said dad. “The important thing is that we’re all together today.”
Son number two arrived and announced, “Just flew in from LA and didn’t have time to get you anything…sorry.”
“It’s nothing,” said the father, “glad you can be here.”
The daughter arrived. “Happy anniversary! I’m sorry but I’ve been out of town and didn’t bring a present.” Again the father said, “I really don’t care, at least the five of us are together today.”
During dinner, the father put down his fork, looked up and said,”Listen, you three, there’s something your mother and I need to tell you. We came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise you and send you to college. But we never got around to getting married.”
The three kids gasped and said, in unison, “You mean we’re BASTARDS?”
“Yep,” said the dad. “And cheap ones too.”
1. So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it’s really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat. Sorry!
3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don’t fret about it… She moved in with me.
4. Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder… What the hell was I thinking?
5. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
6. How could two people as beautiful as you… Have such an ugly baby?
7. I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you … I’ve changed my mind.
8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life… I never believed in Hell till I met you.
9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am… That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
10. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go … would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.
11. Someday I hope to get married …but not to you.
12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age… Almost Lifelike!
13. When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.
14. We have been friends for a very long time… what say we stop?
15. I’m so miserable without you …it’s almost like you’re here.
16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we’re having you put to sleep.
18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of
your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -
zipped up to her throat.
- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
- movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk’s homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask
you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a chainsaw, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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