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Posts Tagged ‘Men’
Classes For Men
CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS-SIGN-UP…..
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY OF THEIR CONTENTS, EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8 PARTICIPANTS EACH.
TOPIC 1 – HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS.
STEP BY STEP, WITH SLIDE PRESENTATION.
TOPIC 2 – THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
ROUND TABLE DISCUSSION.
TOPIC 3 – IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
GROUP PRACTICE.
TOPIC 4 – FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
PICTURES AND EXPLANATORY GRAPHICS.
TOPIC 5 – THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
EXAMPLES ON VIDEO.
TOPIC 6 – LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
HELPLINE SUPPORT AND SUPPORT GROUPS.
TOPIC 7 – LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
OPEN FORUM.
TOPIC 8 – HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
GRAPHICS AND AUDIO TAPE.
TOPIC 9 – REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
REAL LIFE TESTIMONIALS.
TOPIC 10 – IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
DRIVING SIMULATION.
TOPIC 11 – LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE.
ONLINE CLASS AND ROLE PLAYING.
TOPIC 12 – HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
RELAXATION EXERCISES, MEDITATION AND BREATHING TECHNIQUES.
TOPIC 13 – HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE.
CEREBRAL SHOCK THERAPY SESSIONS AND FULL LOBOTOMIES OFFERED.
*UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS.*
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Blatant Sexism
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: ” I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”
Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend
the
insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Lotus and a Boat”).
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not – don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
WOMAN: – - – silence – - -
MAN: Sh&%.
WOMEN’S ENGLISH
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = you’ll be sorry
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset you idiot
You’re certainly active tonight = Is sex all you think about
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don’t want you to see me naked
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ….and carpeting, and wallpaper, and furniture
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m gonna ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something you’re not gonna like
I’ll be ready in a sec = kick your shoes off and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You need to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening? = Too late, you’re dead meat
I’m not yelling = Yes, I’m yelling because I think this is
Important: POSSIBLE ANSWERS TO “WHAT’S WRONG?”
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing really = It’s just that you’re an asshole
MEN’S ENGLISH
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal of this
What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
I’m bored = do you want to have sex?
I love you = let’s have sex now
I love you, too = o.k., I said it, we better have sex now
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I can’t tell any difference
Let’s talk = I’m trying to impress you by showing you that I’m a deep and maybe you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
While shopping) I like that one better = pick any stinking dress and let’s go home
I don’t think that blouse and skirt go well together = I’m gay
March 20th
Finally…it’s all about the MAN!!!!
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.
Secret…guys feel left out. That’s right…left out. There’s no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially “Steak & Blowjob Day.”
Simple, effective and self-explanatory…this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday explains it all…just a steak and a BJ. That’s it. This twin pairing of Valentine’s Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It’s like a perpetual love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world
Yesterday, a scientist from the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of recent test analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the findings, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned at this time.
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