Link Web Services
Web Joker RSS Feeds
Subscribe to The Web Joker RSS Feed!
Posts Tagged ‘Religion’
Who was Jesus?
Three arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.
Three arguments that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother didn’t know who his father was.
Three arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
Three arguments that Jesus was black:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.
Three arguments that Jesus was Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
Finally, the proof that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his father’s business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
(0 Comments)
SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done it.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take “a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,”Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy’s.
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are “the seven dwarfs” they get ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. “Dopey my son” says the Pope “what can I do for
you?
“Dopey says, “Excuse me Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?
“the Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
moment and answers, “No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome. ” in the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?
“The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers “No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in of Europe.” This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns in
The whole world?”
“I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting, “Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!”
Ocean Cruise
Three friends, two straight guys and a gay guy, and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned. They each had to come before St. Peter to be admitted into heaven.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. “I can’t let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”
Then came the second straight guy. “Sorry, can’t let you in, either,” said St. Peter. “You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, “It doesn’t look good, Dick.”
Nuns In Heaven
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun, “Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
The nun giggles and slyly replies, “Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”
St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.”
St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, “Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
The nun is a little reluctant but replies “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”
St. Peter says “OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.”
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says “Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!”
The nun replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
Jewish Genie
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic Rabbi, complete with the black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.
“Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works, you have three wishes.” I am not going to trust you,” says the Arab. “I am not going to trust a Jewish genie!”
What do you have to lose? It looks like you are a goner anyway!”
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, kid, what’s your second wish?” “My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“OK, kid, you have one more wish.” “Better make it a good one!” After thinking a few minutes, the Arab says: “I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women.”
***POOF***
The Arab is turned into a Tampax.
The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie there’s always a string attached.
Jesse Jackson – Tragedy
Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes.
They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a “tragedy”.
One little boy stands up and offers: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” says the Great Jesse Jackson,” that would be an accident.”
A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted spiritual leader. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Rev. Jackson searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If a jet carrying the Rev. & Mrs Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaims Jackson, “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy, “because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
~~~~~Forrest In Heaven~~~~~
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”
Forrest responds, “It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”
St. Peter goes on, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are! there in a year?
Third: What is God’s first name?”
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest says, “Well, the first one — which two days in the week,begin with the letter “T”? Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.”
The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but ….. you do have a point, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?” asks St.Peter. “How many seconds in a year?”
“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”
Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”
Forest says “Shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . .” “Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind….. but I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let’s go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name”? “Sure” Forrest replied, “its Andy.”
“Andy?!” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”
“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song. . . .
“ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS! WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: “Run Forrest, run”
Father, I’ve Fallen
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!”
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen.”
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, “You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having ‘fallen.’”
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week.”
Ducks in Heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven…don’t step on the ducks.”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
Joker Comments