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Posts Tagged ‘Sex’
Blatant Sexism
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: ” I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”
Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend
the
insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Lotus and a Boat”).
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not – don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
WOMAN: – - – silence – - -
MAN: Sh&%.
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The Young Bride
Keeps going and going and going and…
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Morris. Again he is ready for more “action.”
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but you guessed it-Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old ready for more “action.”
And once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris set to leave again, his young bride says to him: “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris”
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: “You mean I was here already?”
We Are Moving!
Frank and Virginia, an old couple now in their early 80′s had been happily married for over 50 years.
With their sex life going a little downhill, they decided Viagra would be a good decision for them so Frank went to see the doctor and got a prescription.
Five years Frank took care of Virginia like she was a 17 year old, pleasuring her over and over again with his now almost-permanent erection. Virginia couldn’t get enough, asking for it 10 times a day, but one night Frank’s heart couldn’t take it anymore, he fell to the floor dead, leaving poor virginia unsatisfied.
Wait a minute! she thought, she ran to the kitchen, grabbed a knive, rolled Frank on his side and CHOP! she cut his pecker clean off and put it in a box in the freezer to keep it hard.
A few days after the funeral, Virginia comes home once again feeling a little warm and bothered so she decides to take it out of the box and have a little fun with it. She saws a suction cup to the base, goes to the bedroom, sticks it to the wall and just has her way pounding against it as hard as she can.
Leroy, the gardener, hears the pounding on the wall and decides to take a peek; getting wise to the idea, the next night he drills a little hole in the wall, removes that frozen thing and sticks his nine inches of manhood through the hole.
Virginia gets home hot and bothered once again; leaving a trail of clothes down the hall she decides to relieve some tension, giving Leroy the best hour and a half of his life!
This goes on for quite a while, with Leroy and the ‘unaware’ widow enjoying every evening to the max…
One night Virginia gets home and doesn’t go directly to the bedroom as she usually did; Leroy figured she was freshening up but instead she goes straight for the kitchen, grabs a large, very sharp knive, walks into the bedroom, grabs a hold of the snake in the wall and screams:
Leroy……. we are moving!
CHOP!!!
Viagra Coffee
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
“Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
“How did it go?” the doctor asked.
“Terribly, doctor, terribly.”
“Did it not work?”
“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”
“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand between her legs. “Put your finger in me…” she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. “Put two fingers in…”, she says. So in goes another one. She’s really starting to get worked up when she says, “Put your whole hand in!”. The guy’s like, “Ok!”. So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of me!!!”. So the guy puts both of his hands in! “Now clap your hands…” commands the girl. “I can’t”, says the guy. The girl looks at him and says “See, I told you I had a tight pussy!
The Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh…she got fired too.”
Tarzan & Jane
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and, while questioning him about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
“What sex? ” he asked.
She explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said “Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong!
I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothes,laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. “Here” she said, “you can put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave Jane a kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,”What the hell did you do that for? ”
“Tarzan not stupid – check for bees.”
Soft & Hard
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 649.”
Penis Or Vagina
Top Ten Top Ten Things Men Would Do If They Woke Up And Had A Vagina For A Day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes… BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. (Yeah!)
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too…
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina…
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
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Top Ten Things Women Would Do If They Woke Up And Had A Penis For A Day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get oral sex.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis…
1. Repeat number 9.
From: Albert Roman
Sent: Friday, July 30, 1999 10:40 AM
Jamaican Sex Shoes
Jim & Cynthia were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods, souvenirs, gifts and such When they passed a very small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.”
So Jim & Cynthia walked in. The Jamaican said to them, “I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.”
Well, Cynthia was really interested in buying the sandals after what the Jamaican man had claimed, but Jim felt he really didn’t need them: Being the Sex God he was.
Jim did unwillingly ask the shopkeeper, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?”
The Jamaican replied, “Just try dem on, Man.”
Well, Jim, after some badgering from Cynthia, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something Cynthia hadn’t seen in many years!!
In the blink of an eye, Jim grabbed onto the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, he quickly ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s thighs.
The Jamaican then began screaming loudly….”YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!” “YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!”
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