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Your Fun and Games Tip
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog’s chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.” “What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven’t even done any tests! I want another opinion.” The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it’s head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”). The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he’s gone”). After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That’s outrageous!” The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….”
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What causes arthritis?
A drunk man who smelled like beer Sat down on a subway next to a priest.The
man’s tie was stained, his face was Plastered with red lipstick, and a
Half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out Of his torn coat pocket. He opened his Newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to The priest and asked, ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’
The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s caused by Loose living, being with cheap, wicked Women, too much alcohol, contempt for Your fellow man, sleeping around with Prostitutes and lack of a bath.’
The drunk muttered in response,’Well, I’ll be damned, ‘Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had Said, nudged the man and apologized.
‘I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come On so strong. How long have you had Arthritis?’
The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it,Father. I was just reading here that The Pope does.’
Your Duck is Dead
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table,the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
You know the drill … if you’re smiling, you must pass it on, give someone else a smile too! Share the laughter …..
Where Are We?
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,
“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would
you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.
What do you do all day?
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, wich empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.The door of his wife’s car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.In the front room the TV was loudly blaming a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was
spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.As he peered inside he found wet towels scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in
the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smile, and asked how his day went.He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”Yes,’ was his incredulous reply.She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.’Need a job? Find employment help in your area.
Your Fun and Games Tip
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog’s chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.” “What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven’t even done any tests! I want another opinion.” The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it’s head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”). The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he’s gone”). After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That’s outrageous!”
The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….”
Tater People
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.They are called “Spec Taters”.Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.They are called “Comment Taters”.Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don’t want to soil their own hands.They are called “Dick Taters”.Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.They are called “Agie Taters”.There are those who say hey
will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help.They are called “Hezzie Taters”.Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.They are called “Emma Taters”.Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called “Sweet Taters”.You may want to send this to all the other “Sweet Taters”, you know!!!!!!!
Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,”Happy Birthday!”, and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn’t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that’s wives for you, the children will remember.The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!”. And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday…let’s go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!” We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable”Sure!” I excitedly replied.She went into the bedroom, and in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.And I just sat there on the couch naked.
Quick Jokes
Q: What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A: We would eat pussy every thanksgiving!
Q: How does a guy know when he has a high sperm count?
A: When she has to chew before she swallows
Q: How does a guy keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using a computer?
A: The Joystick is wet and there is whiteout on the monitor screen
Q: What is a waterfall that goes upwards?
A: Viagrafalls
Q: What is the difference between a scottish man and the rolling stones?
A: A member of the rolling stones says: “Hey You, get off my cloud!” The scottish says: “Hey McCloud get off my ewe!”
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