Link Web Services
Web Joker RSS Feeds
Subscribe to The Web Joker RSS Feed!
Posts Tagged ‘web’
What you are about to see:
Realizing there are no words to convey the wonder and mystery of Antarctica — what it is like to be amidst such an abundance of wildlife that is totally unafraid of humans — I pass along this video, taken on the sub-Antarctic island of South Georgia, showing a remarkable and loving interaction between a young (“weaner”) elephant seal (probably weighing 300 pounds) and the lovely young woman who was the “hostess” on our ship (ran all the hotel aspects of our voyage, but also loved to get on land and be with the animals). Video was taken by her husband, who was also our excellent chef. This video was taken last November — so not on our just completed voyage — but at a place we have been– and probably one of my favorite places on this planet. This video says it all. Watch it first for the seal, and then again for the penquins in the background.
(4 Comments )
Yo Mama So Stupid…
Yo mama is so stupid it took her an hour to make minute rice
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon
Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was “illegitiment” because she couldn’t read
Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
Yo mama so stupid she hears it’s chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order!
Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
Yo mama so stupid she asked you “What is the number for 911″
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put “O.K.”
Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
Yo mama so stupid she hears it’s chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.
Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo mama so stupid that under “Education” on her job apllication, she put “Hooked on Phonics.”
Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.
Yo mama so stupid she watches “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.
YO MAMA SO FAT…
Yo mama so fat her belt size is the equator
Yo mama so fat she wears a VCR for a pager
Yo mama so fat the earth revolves around her
Yo mama so fat she orders her clothes from Omar the tent maker
Yo mama so fat when she stands on a scale it sais ‘to be continued…’
Yo mama so fat when she jumps in the air she gets stuck
Yo mama so fat she’s got her own area code
Yo mama so fat she’s got her own zip code
Yo mama so fat she stepped on a dollar and made change
Yo mama so fat after sex I rolled over twice and was still on the bitch!
Yo mama so fat she fell, broke her ankle and gravy spilled out
Yo mama so fat I told her it was chilly outside and she ran and got a bowl
Yo mama so fat she could drive a bus with handlebars
Yo mama so fat she uses Nissan hard bodies as roller skates
Yo mama so fat she uses a boomerang to put her belt on
Yo mama so fat her blood type is rocky road
Yo mama so fat she gets her toe nails painted at Earl Shieb
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo mama so fat her nickname is “Lardo”
Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo mama so fat were in her right now
Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her…
Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world
Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!
Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says “okay!”
Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said “Taxi!”
Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear “Caution! Wide Turn”
Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read “one at a time, please”
Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can’t hear the stereo.
Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don’t do livestock.
Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Yo mama so fat she’s got her own area code!
Yo mama so fat she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yo mama so fat God couldn’t light Earth until she moved!
Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago…
Yo mama so fat she’s got Amtrak written on her leg.
Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn’t pay for her liposuction!
Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk – white & chunky!
Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!
Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington’s nose.
Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!
Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
Yo mama so fat she’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
Yo mama so fat she’s on both sides of the family!
Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she’s wearin tights!
Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!
Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say “Taxi!”
Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too
Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please
Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!
Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!
Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can’t hear the stereo.
Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.
Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.
Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.
Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
Yo mama so fat she’s on both sides of the family!
Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn’t cover her
Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.
Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family
Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.
Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an aerial.
Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out
Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD’s and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington’s nose.
Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean…..
Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.
Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.
Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, “Who threw that rock?”
Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn’t have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
Bill Clinton’s Hijacking Solution!
Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue SW
Washington DC 20591
Dear Sirs;
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman.
We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.
Now why didn’t Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Mr. President
President Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated at one of the finest tables. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit comes to his table. “What would you like, Mr. President?” Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers: “A quickie.”
The waitress stomps off in total disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: “What would you like, Mr. President?” Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: “A quickie, please.” This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.
A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, “Um, Mr. President, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.’”
Lie-Clocks
Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said Hillary, “whose clock is that?”
St. Peter responded, “That is Mother Teresa’s Lie-Clock. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said Hillary. “And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter answered, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s Lie-Clock. The hands have moved only twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s Bill’s clock?”, asked Hillary.
St. Peter said, “Bill’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
Declaration of Independence – British Reply
posted by The_Web_Joker @ 7:56 PM
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Declaration of Independence – British Reply
The Court of King George III London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your “Declaration of Independence” with great interest.
Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your
statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the
Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for
proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for
further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your
process of revision:
1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase “the Laws of Nature and
Nature`s God.” What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on
which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations
from the recent literature.
2. In the same paragraph you refer to the “opinions of mankind.” Whose
polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us
the “opinions of mankind” are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold certain truths to be “self-evident.” Could you please
elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be
difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” seem to be the goals of
your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that
“among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six
of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the
colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the
average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years,”
these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
5. You state that “Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of
these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and
to institute a new Government….” Have you weighed this assertion
against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a
long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not
follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You
state that the colonies “ought to be Free and Independent States,” and
that they are “Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown.” Who
or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they
change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance?
How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these
areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are
your strategies?
8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing
your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research?
Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an
organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this
since Queen Anne`s War.
10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any
assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range
prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and
manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your “Declaration
of Independence.” We welcome the submission of your revised proposal.
Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with
original signatures will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
Police Ticket Excuse
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit.
He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks “I can outrun this guy,” so he hits the pedal and the race is on.
The cars are racing down the freeway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures “what the heck,” and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.
He leans down and says “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.”
The man thought for a moment and said, “Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!”
Where Are We?
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.
Joker Comments