Link Web Services
Web Joker RSS Feeds
Subscribe to The Web Joker RSS Feed!
Posts Tagged ‘Women’
Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew
1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up, put it down.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Sunday = Sports.
18. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap-opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done -> not both.
23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says “I love you” like sex.
(0 Comments)
Give me a compliment…
A woman standing in front of the mirror naked says to her husband:
“I’m fat, pale and ugly; Give me a compliment to cheer me up.”
The husband says, “At least there’s nothing wrong with your eye sight.”
Don’t Mess With Women
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in
front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder.
This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung his head out his
window and flipped the woman off.
“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and
wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic
and here’s why:
I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that’s 76 miles. Of these, 16
miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an
8-lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I
pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every
40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424
cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I
figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to
something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these
are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in
28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642. According to
Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding,
that’s 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. And 34%
describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33. According to the
National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is
increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her
period, and is armed.
No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of flipping her off.
Classes For Men
CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS-SIGN-UP…..
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY OF THEIR CONTENTS, EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8 PARTICIPANTS EACH.
TOPIC 1 – HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS.
STEP BY STEP, WITH SLIDE PRESENTATION.
TOPIC 2 – THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
ROUND TABLE DISCUSSION.
TOPIC 3 – IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
GROUP PRACTICE.
TOPIC 4 – FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
PICTURES AND EXPLANATORY GRAPHICS.
TOPIC 5 – THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
EXAMPLES ON VIDEO.
TOPIC 6 – LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
HELPLINE SUPPORT AND SUPPORT GROUPS.
TOPIC 7 – LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
OPEN FORUM.
TOPIC 8 – HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
GRAPHICS AND AUDIO TAPE.
TOPIC 9 – REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
REAL LIFE TESTIMONIALS.
TOPIC 10 – IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
DRIVING SIMULATION.
TOPIC 11 – LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE.
ONLINE CLASS AND ROLE PLAYING.
TOPIC 12 – HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
RELAXATION EXERCISES, MEDITATION AND BREATHING TECHNIQUES.
TOPIC 13 – HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE.
CEREBRAL SHOCK THERAPY SESSIONS AND FULL LOBOTOMIES OFFERED.
*UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS.*
Blatant Sexism
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: ” I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”
Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend
the
insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Lotus and a Boat”).
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not – don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
WOMAN: – - – silence – - -
MAN: Sh&%.
1. FIRST AND FOREMOST, WE ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO DO IT.
2. EXTENSION TO RULE #1- SO IF YOU GET ONE, BE GRATEFUL.
3. I DON’T CARE WHAT THEY DID IN THE PORN VIDEO YOU SAW; IT IS NOT STANDARD PRACTICE TO CUM ON SOMEONE’S FACE.
4. EXTENSION TO RULE #3- NO I DON’T HAVE TO SWALLOW.
5. MY EARS ANR NOT HANDLES.
6. EXTENSION TO RULE #5- DO NOT PUSH ON THE TOP OF MY HEAD. LAST I HEARD, DEEP THROAT HAD BEEN DONE. AND ADDITIONALLY, DO YOU REALLY WANT PUKE ON YOUR DICK?
7. I DON’T CARE HOW RELAXED YOU GET, IT IS NEVER OK TO FART.
8. HAVING MY PERIOD DOES NOT MEAN THAT IT’S “HUMMER WEEK” -GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD- I’M BLOATED AND I FEEL LIKE SHIT SO NO, I DON’T FEEL PARTICULARLY OBLIGATED TO BLOW YOU JUST YOU CAN’T HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW.
9. EXTENSION TO #8- “BLUE BALLS” MIGHT HAVE WORKED ON HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS IF YOU’RE THAT DESPERATE, GO JERK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MY MIDOL.
10. IF I HAVE TO PAUSE TO REMOVE A PUBIC HAIR FROM MY TEETH, DON’T TELL ME I’VE JUST “WRECKED IT” FOR YOU.
11. LEAVING ME IN BED WHILE YOU GO PLAY VIDEO GAMES IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS IS HIGHLY INADVISABLE IF YOU WOULD LIKE MY BEHAVIOR TO BE REPEATED IN THE FUTURE.
12. IF YOU LIKE HOW WE DO IT, IT’S PROBABLY BEST NOT TO SPECULATE ABOUT THE ORIGINS OF OUR TALENT. HUST ENJOY THE MOMENT AND BE HAPPY THAT WE’RE GOOD AT IT. SEE ALSO RULE #2 ABOUT GRATITUDE.
13. NO, IT DOESN’T PARTICULARLY TASTE GOOD. AND I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE PROTEIN CONTENT.
14. NO, I WILL NOT DO IT WHILE YOU WATCH TV.
15. WHEN YOU HEAR YOUR FRIENDS COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW THEY DON’T GET BLOW JOBS OFTEN ENOUGH, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. IT IS INAPPROPRIATE TO EITHER SYMPATHIZE OR BRAG.
16. JUST BECAUSE “IT’S AWAKE” WHEN YOU GET UP DOES NOT MEAN I HAVE TO “KISS IT GOOD MORNING”.
A MAN’S REBUTTAL
1. FIRST OF ALL, YES YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO DO IT. IF YOU DON’T WE WILL FIND SOMEONE (YOUNGER, PRETTIER, AND DIRTIER) WHO WILL.
2. SECOND, SWALLOWING A TEASPOON OF CREAM IS A HELL OF A LOT EASIER THAN LICKING A DEAD FISH.
3. YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT FARTING? DOES THE WORD “QUEEF” MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
4. I WILL USE YOUR EARS AS I SEE FIT. DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT AND BE THANKFUL I’M NOT PULLING YOUR HAIR.
5. WHEN YOU’RE ON PERIOD, STUFFING SOMETHING IN YOUR MOUTH IS THE ONLY WAY TO STOP YOUR BITCHING AND MOANING. SUCK IT UP.
6. SPEAKING OF WHICH, IF YOU ARE BLEEDING FOR FIVE STRAIGHT DAYS, YOU NEED ALL THE FLUIDS YOU CAN GET, TRUST ME.
7. YOU BITCH ABOUT THE TASTE, BUT TRUST ME WHEN I TELL YOU THAT WE GET THE SHIT END OF THE STICK IN FLAVOR COUNTRY.
8. AT LEAST THERE IS NO DANGER OF A DICK BLEEDING IN YOUR MOUTH.
9. PLAY WITH THE BALLS.
10. NO MATTER HOW GOOD YOU THINK YOU ARE AT IT, WE’VE HAD BETTER.
11. CARESS THE ASS, TOO. WE LIKE THAT.
12. MAKE HAY WHEN THE SUN SHINES. IT’S “WIDE AWAKE” IN THE MORNING NOW, BUT WHEN YOU GET OLD AND FAT AND LOOKING FOR SOME ACTION, I GAH-RON-TEE IT’LL BE “SOUND ASLEEP”.
13. IF YOU SWALLOW, THEN YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING ANY ON YOUR FACE, NOW WILL YOU?
WOMEN’S ENGLISH
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = you’ll be sorry
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset you idiot
You’re certainly active tonight = Is sex all you think about
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don’t want you to see me naked
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ….and carpeting, and wallpaper, and furniture
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m gonna ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something you’re not gonna like
I’ll be ready in a sec = kick your shoes off and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You need to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening? = Too late, you’re dead meat
I’m not yelling = Yes, I’m yelling because I think this is
Important: POSSIBLE ANSWERS TO “WHAT’S WRONG?”
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing really = It’s just that you’re an asshole
MEN’S ENGLISH
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal of this
What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
I’m bored = do you want to have sex?
I love you = let’s have sex now
I love you, too = o.k., I said it, we better have sex now
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I can’t tell any difference
Let’s talk = I’m trying to impress you by showing you that I’m a deep and maybe you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
While shopping) I like that one better = pick any stinking dress and let’s go home
I don’t think that blouse and skirt go well together = I’m gay
Yesterday, a scientist from the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of recent test analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the findings, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned at this time.
Joker Comments