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Posts Tagged ‘Work’
The Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh…she got fired too.”
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Witty Secretary
Mr. Choudhury got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, ‘Mr. Choudhury, your barracks door is open.’ He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, ‘By the way Miss Dobson, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?’
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, ‘Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.’
Unix Programmers
Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.
The first programmer finishes and walks over to the sink uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two, he says, “At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough.”
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel: He turns and says, “At Apple not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.”
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: “We Unix programmers don’t piss on our hands.”
Tickle Me Elmo
A woman desperately looking for job goes to a toy company. The personnel manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has no work to give her. The women answers that she really needs work and will take any kind of work. The personnel manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the “Tickle Me Elmo Line” The women happily accepts.
He then takes her down to the line and explains her duties and tells her to come in for 8:00 am the next day.
The next day at 8:45 am there’s a knock at the personnel managers door. The “Tickle Me Elmo” line manager comes in the office and starts ranting and raving about the new woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly the assembly line is backed up he suggests that the personnel manager go down to the line to see the problem.
Together they walk down to the assembly line and sure enough the Tickle Me Elmo’s were backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman who was just hired, she had pulled over a roll of the fabric used for the Elmo’s and a big bag of marbles. They both watched as she cut a little piece of fabric and took 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo’s legs.
The personnel manager starts to kill himself laughing and after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new hire and says: “I’m sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday, what I wanted you to do was give Elmo 2 test tickles.”
The Three Corporate Lessons
Lesson Number One:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit
like you and do nothing all day long?”
The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a forth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was then immediately spotted by a farmer and shot out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Lesson Number Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. Because it was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large
field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story:
1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
NUMBER 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.
NUMBER 4: ‘This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.
NUMBER 3 : ‘Whew! Guess I left the top off t he White-out. You probably got here just in time!
NUMBER 2: Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?
Number 1 And MY all time Favorite: best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) ‘…in Jesus’ name, Amen
25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK…
posted by The_Web_Joker @ 1:39 AM
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
1. it’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages car pooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as “gross.”
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
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